After much debate concerning where you should go on New Years Eve to get just as drunk as you normally do when you decide to go out and hit it hard, which is at least your weekly 48-hour weekend bender, you have finally chosen a locale. I’ve gone to the same place the last three years because I’ve given up on NYE creativity, and out of sheer laziness have just opted for a bar that I can be spotted at pounding drinks any other weekend of the year. The speculation is over; you have plans; you feel relieved. Then the angst returns because you forgot one very important detail. Who the hell am I going to publicly mug-down with at midnight?! Um, I mean, whom shall I passionately kiss at midnight to gloriously ring in this New Year? The fact that people get seriously concerned about this kind of boggles my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love an open makeout sesh just as much as the next person, but I refuse to force this perceived necessity. I know it’s supposed to be good luck for the new year or something, but if that’s the case, we should probably be doing this every night at midnight to make sure that shit doesn’t wear off, especially since I don’t eat black-eyed peas. So here’s a list of things you can do instead, should the open-mouthed-kissing-at-midnight gods choose not to rule in your favor.
10. Strategically plan a bathroom break. This is the equivalent of heading to the punch table during the first slow dance at the Junior High prom. It’s a pussy move, but if you’d rather just remove yourself from the uncomfortable situation that you have built up in your head, be my guest. No one will judge you; they probably won’t even notice you’re gone.
9. Make sure you have a full drink come ball drop, chug it. Nothing says I give zeros and love to party like just taking an entire vodka-soda down while everyone else is busy participating in the saliva exchange program.
8. Interrupt friends’ makeouts with group hugs. Be that fun-loving, life of the party friend. Spread the love that’s balled up in that big ol’ heart of yours around.
7. Look at a single person of the same sex next to you, and in perfect synchronization, roll your eyes together. You know what they say, if you can’t be them, make fun of them.
6. Make a phone call. This phone call will almost definitely need to be made to your mother. A) All of your friends are busy; B) You can drop the line “I love you too; I hope you had a great night”, and people might think you made a call to your long-distance lover who couldn’t be present for this festive event.
5. Raid the champagne table. When choosing my locale inside my chosen locale on NYE, I’m always picking the spot next to where they’re preparing the complimentary midnight toast. While everyone else is busy cheersing a single glass of André, I’m in the corner guaranteeing my one-way trip to Happy-Drunk Town with a morning stop in Ad-ville.
4. Step outside for some fresh air/cig break. As you deeply inhale each drag (or breath of fresh air if that’s more your thing), re-evaluate how you’ve ended up here; make some New Year’s resolutions to remain cooler than everyone else in 2014.
3. Obnoxiously blow one of those horn thingies. You’re obviously too preoccupied adding to the ambiance by having that whistle in your mouth and throwing confetti to care about the budding romances that surround you.
2. Look around the bar for a member of the opposite sex also not participating in the #2 singles’ awareness moment of the year, right behind V-day. Give this person a wink. Who knows, maybe some intense tonsil hockey is in your future after all.
1. None of the above appeal to you? You should probably just grab the nearest half-interested person, lay one on them, then follow it up with a “you’re welcome” and maybe a little pat on the ass for that extra touch. Wasn’t one of your New Year’s resolutions not to live with regrets anyway?