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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Houseguests

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Hosting

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Clothes Shopping.

22 year old John: “I’m so excited that you guys decided to spend the weekend with me. I’ve got so much planned for us!”
28 year old JR: Oh shit that’s tomorrow.

John: “For the fifth time, when does your flight get in? I’ll park the car and be waiting just past security for you.”
JR: “Do you know how the BART works? Ok, figure it out.”

John: I’ve already made a reservation for us at a really famous spot. We can go there straight from the airport because I’m sure you’re hungry.
JR: “Sorry I already ate something.” You’re an adult I don’t need to schedule lunches for you.

John: First stop, my apartment to drop their bags and freshen up.
JR: “We have to stop at the grocery store
so I can buy some more eggs. Wait in the car.”

John: “Bro, of course I took PTO! No way I’d work with you in town.”
JR: “By the way I have to work from the dining room table tomorrow for six hours.” shrugs

John: OK, first place we go is that super touristy building/bridge/area that ten thousand other out of town idiots will be at too.
JR: Yeah no, we’re not doing that shit. I have a roof deck and beer, though.

John: I made sure to purchase some local beer and food to stock the fridge. I want to make sure you have an authentic experience.
JR: “You know what’s legal here right?”

John: “You guys care if this girl I’ve been seeing meets up with us later?” She’ll bring all her friends and we’ll all get laid.
JR: Don’t worry, the Capital R Roommate
left the state for the weekend. We could meet up with her friends, but they’re all married.

John: We really need to make sure we maximize our time and see everything we can in such a short period.
JR: “Yeah, that’s Super Nintendo. We should start a Super Mario World 3 file…”

John: Lets friends share the bed and takes the couch.
JR: Forgets where the air mattress is.

John: “Don’t worry, most of this weekend is on me. Besides, you guys spent the money to come out here.”
JR: “Credit card roulette?” Chances are high I end up making money this weekend.

John: Tonight we hit the bars to see if we can get you boys some action.
JR: Tonight we go to the liquor store then back to my apartment that’s starting to smell like a sewage plant.

John: “Dude, smart move scheduling a redeye flight back Sunday night!”
JR: I’m just going to sit on the couch in front of Redzone all Sunday. You’d better be gone.

John: “If anybody asks, we had a low-key weekend.”
JR: I wonder if they’re annoyed that we’re having a low-key weekend. Either way, I don’t care.

John: Man, I’m fucking beat. “Who are we visiting next!?”
JR: “Ooh, bummer. I’m out of town that weekend.”

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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