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The Truth About Your PTO

The Truth About Your PTO

“And the best part is, we have unlimited vacation days – we really care about maintaining a healthy work-life balance here” is the biggest lie you’ll hear in your young career. With the integration of smartphones with email and Skype/Slack into modern business in the past decade, employers now deem your personal time their time. Now? No issue is too trivial that it can wait until tomorrow.

Got a question that you can’t take two minutes to figure out on your own? Bother one of your coworkers over the weekend or while they’re on vacation.

Can’t reach someone from the company midday on a Saturday for some inexplicable reason? Safely assume they’re dead because they should know that if they’re not working “out of pocket” then they must be “out of reasons to work here anymore” and they’re fucking fired.

Make sure you enjoy your long-awaited vacation time too. But not too much because, remember, you’re a company man. This startup/tech/sales/finance/advertising job you have which isn’t nearly as important as, let’s say, an ER doctor should be treated as if it’s much more important than, let’s say, an ER doctor. Unfortunately, there aren’t any policies in place for your job to be handled by anybody else while you’re gone. That’s just not possible.

The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Check your email. The first thing you do before you go to bed? Check your email – China’s just waking up. The first thing you do when you get up in the middle of the night to make a BM? Check your email, China BMs at their desks. Become so enveloped with the day-to-day waves of bullshit here that you spend weekend nights dreaming about work and international trips replying to emails while your out-of-office is still up.

Oh, you’re so sick that you spent all night at Urgent Care? Sure, you don’t have to come in today, but you’d better be on your couch with a laptop in front of you. We wouldn’t want you to get anybody else in the office sick, or fully recover for that matter. Tomorrow, make sure to come in early and leave late too to make up for lost time in the office. In fact, why don’t you do that every day from now on?

The best part of this “hip” and “laid-back” culture is that since we offer unlimited vacation days, if you ever decide to leave we don’t owe you a dime! It saves us money and makes your next transition much more difficult. So why wouldn’t you want to come work here? Even if you can’t use all that unlimited time off we give, we still have a ping-pong table!

You’re also not allowed to use the ping-pong table.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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