Alright folks. I’ll be honest – this week’s episode of The Bachelor was kind of shitty. We’ve flown too close to the sun with all of the drama this season and have gotten spoiled. We’re already almost to the halfway point of the season, and I still can’t muster two shits to give about these girls. This week’s episode brings us last week’s rose ceremony as well as two one-on-one dates and a group date. Let’s break it down:
After seeing Corinne mount Nick like Seabiscuit in the bouncy castle during their pre-Rose Ceremony pool party, all of the girls lose their collective minds, which seems to be an ongoing theme throughout this episode. They have an on camera group therapy session where they all hold hands and talk about how much they hate Corinne. I think what these women really hate is that Nick pays more attention to Corinne than most of them; however, that realization never quite made it on camera. Also, can we take a moment and acknowledge that a group of grown-ass women just had an actual conversation about events occurring in a bouncy castle? Thanks Producers – you’re the real MVPs.
As we saw last week, Vanessa is already over being on a televised dating show and clearly has a sore spot on her left hand that can only be assuaged by a Neil Lane diamond ring. After the bouncy castle incident, she tells Nick they need to talk. He awkwardly tucks his boner from dry humping Corinne into his waistband as Vanessa sits him down like she’s putting one of her students in time out. In true teacher form, she tells Nick she isn’t mad, she’s just disappointed. “I’m not judging Corinne’s actions, I’m judging yours. Are you here to find a wife, or are you looking for someone to fuck around with? If you’re here to fuck around, I’d rather not get a rose. In fact, I’m thinking about giving the rose back.” She’s here to play hardball, and I like it.
With his boner effectively killed, blood is finally able to rush back to Nick’s brain. “I very much give a shit about what you think about me and my actions,” he tells Vanessa. Does that come in greeting card form? It’s so romantic and caring.
Meanwhile, camp counselor mental health professional Taylor and her sidekick Sarah decide to confront Corinne. They wake her up from one of her frequent naps to criticize her behavior, and she doesn’t take it well. I can’t say I blame her; interrupting someone’s nap is an asshole move and is acceptable in two situations – if you’re letting them know that food is ready or if the building is literally on fire. I don’t see Raquel holding any cheese pasta and there’s no smoke detectors going off, so Houston, we’ve got a problem.
Taylor tells Corinne that the girls in the house feel disrespected by Corinne being a big booty hoe and seeing her rub her goodies all over their shared boyfriend. Sarah agrees, telling her “You need to pull yourself together.” You’re all on a reality television dating show – everyone needs to pull themselves together if we’re being honest. Let’s keep everything in perspective, Sarah. Taylor continues, “I think this is just you being entitled.” This strikes a nerve with Corinne. She tells them “I’m not privileged in any way, shape, or form!” At home, Raquel nods her head fervently as she folds Corinne’s laundry.
Vanessa, Rachel, and Danielle L. already have roses. The remaining twelve (seriously, are we ever actually getting rid of anyone?) go to:
– Raven – Dark hair, thick accent
– Taylor – Mental health professional/behavior police
– Whitney – Not Vanessa, not Assturd.
– Kristina – Dental hygienist, could use subtitles.
– Jasmine – Can’t even with Corinne’s shit.
– Alexis – Thank you based Chris Harrison for allowing Dolphinshark and her one year and two week old breasts to grace our television for another week
– Danielle M – <3
– Jaimi – She straightened her hair and I had literally no idea who she was
– Josephine – I’m over her.
– Sarah – Assistant to the regional behavior police
– Corinne – I mean, we knew this was happening
This means that in addition to saying goodbye to Dominique during the group date, when the roses were gone, there were none for Gretchen Wieners Christen. Also, tits out Britt is out too.
Chris Harrison informs this week’s survivors the time in the season has come when they must vacate the Bachelor Mansion, because it’s time for their road to find love to begin a whirlwind journey across the globe. In reality, it’s because it’s time for an industrial cleaning crew to decontaminate the building prior to the start of The Bachelorette. Their first destination is Nick’s hometown of Waukesha, WI, because apparently the Bachelor franchise is having financial problems and can’t afford anything better.
One-on-One Date with Danielle L.
After arriving in Waukesha, the ladies stroll around town, smiling for the cameras and pretending not to be pissed because they’re in fucking Wisconsin. I’ve been to Waukesha before, and I hope to never go back. While the girls continue their tour, Nick sits down and talks to his parents. “I’m trying to make the most of this situation,” he tells them. “I’m starting to make some real connections with these women.” Nick’s mom nods her Kate Gosselin circa 2009 haircut up and down as the light catches her nose ring. She smiles, but the dead look in her eyes screams “I’ve heard this shit before.” His parents tell him that they’re so excited for him to find love, and even more excited to not have to be on any more TV shows about him finding love, so don’t fuck this up.
Nick leaves his parents and is reunited with his harem. He tells them that the first one-on-one date is starting immediately, and asks Danielle L. to join him. The two of them head off, hand-in-hand as the rest of the ladies head back to the Waukesha Best Western.
The theme of this date was that Nick was not cool in high school. There’s nothing wrong with that, I wasn’t cool in high school either, but I also chose not to broadcast that fact on national television. Nick and Danielle L. walk through downtown Waukesha, and Nick points out important places from growing up. “This is the movie theater where I’d take girls on dates, and I got dumped for the first time over in that park. It was really brutal, although that time it wasn’t on television. I used to go to that library across the street, not to study, but to make out with girls.” I wonder if that library had a nice, secluded paleontology section for Nick’s extracurricular activities back in the day, or if he had to settle for a non-paleontology corner like a peasant. I don’t know how Danielle L. is feeling, but if I went on a first date with someone that consisted of a walking tour of locations of their adolescent sexual experiences, I would be firing up Bumble real quick to find myself a new first date, because that shit is weird.
Nick and Danielle step into a bakery where the lady behind the counter informs them in a disinterested monotone that they have a special cookie made just for them. In her defense, they probably made her shoot that line twenty times, and a requirement of working at that bakery should not include a forced appearance on the The Bachelor. She gets a pass. Nick and Danielle L. order their “Nickerdoodles” (barf). For those of you who didn’t watch, the Nickerdoodles were essentially just normal cookies decorated with Nick’s (as well as other people’s) faces on them in icing. Instead of eating the cookies like people on a normal goddamn date would do, they make the cookies talk to each other and then make out. I’m starting to see why Nick has to come on TV to find someone to love him.
After Nick and Danielle are finished with their baked goods role play, they continue on. Nick stops dead in his tracks as he looks into a café window. “That’s my ex girlfriend,” he tells Danielle, before immediately darting inside to catch her attention. I’m sure this girl already knew Nick was around, especially since the producers were paying her to appear on the show. When I think of how I want a first date to go, it is literally the opposite of what is happening to Danielle L. Girl is a trooper.
Nick introduces Danielle L. to his ex, Amber. Danielle’s first question is “Why is Nick still single?” Danielle, have you been on the same date we’re watching? I thought that answer was pretty obvious at this point. Things with Amber must have ended on good terms, because Amber tells her “I think if Nick isn’t into a relationship, he backs out of it, so if he sees a future with you, you’ll know it.” She says a few other nice things about Nick, reassures Danielle that he definitely is not actually gay, and says goodbye. Danielle tells the camera “This was a really cool experience!” Meanwhile, at home on my couch I can barely breath from the weight of how uncomfortable I am just watching the awkwardness on screen.
Once Amber is back aboard the airplane taking her back to where she actually lives, Nick takes Danielle to another park. They lie on a blanket on the grass and continue to talk about their childhoods. “I used to come to this park a lot,” Nick muses. “I had a lot of firsts here. I actually lost my virginity…actually I think it was right over there.” I know I take a fair bit of artistic liberty with these recaps – that actually happened. Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. Danielle giggles at this revelation. “My boyfriend in high school used to do all this really romantic stuff for me, but I was a huge prude. Emphasis on the ‘was’” she tells him, with a twinkle in her eye.
The evening portion of their date occurs at the romantic Iron Horse Hotel in Milwaukee. I couldn’t be bothered to care enough about this place to look it up. They have some drinks and talk about more feelings and other assorted bullshit. It’s boring. She gets the date rose, and Nick surprises her by taking her to a concert from up-and-coming country singer Chris Lane. I use the term “surprise” loosely, because a variation of this date happens every single season. I’d also imagine that this concert is quite a letdown for Danielle, since last week she danced on stage with the Backstreet Boys. You can’t win em all, but I have a sneaking suspicion that we’ll be seeing her for quite some time, if not all the way to the Final Rose Ceremony. (Full disclosure, I have her winning for my Bachelor Fantasy Bracket. I don’t read spoilers so don’t tell me if I’m wrong. If you do, you are bad and should feel bad. You aren’t watching for the #rightreasons.)
Farm Chores Group Date
ABC really must have blown its cash load last week after bringing on the Backstreet Boys and chartering a Vomit Comet, because the date options for this week just went from bad to worse. Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Asstud, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M. and Corinne load up in limos and meet Nick at a dairy farm. I’m sure Wisconsin’s tourism department was thrilled with this episode.
As they ladies walk up, Nick gives them all panty puddles when they see him feeding a baby cow from a bottle. He tells the camera “Well, my family friend has a dairy farm and it was free, so here we are! I really want to see which of the girls really embraces the day.” Translation – let’s weed out the whiners, because Daddy needs someone who is going to cook and clean for him without complaining. I see what you’re doing here, Nick, and I don’t see any Insta posts from any Women’s Marches this weekend either. Then again, this is The Bachelor.
This date consists entirely of doing various tasks around the farm. It’s horse shit, sometimes literally. They learn to milk cows, and when Nick volunteers to go first, its apparent that the ladies are unimpressed with his teat-stroking abilities. After that, there is more shit – the girls have to shovel a huge mound of it out of a backhoe. Most of them go along with, trying to prove that they’re fun and easy-going and low maintenance. However, one of the girls makes no effort to hide her displeasure. I’ll give you one guess as to who it is.
Within a few minutes of the shit truck arriving, Corrine throws up the deuces and goes to sit on a rock. It was probably a move that she learned from her appearance in a Juicy J video, where she also demonstrated her infamous napping skills. She tells the camera, “I don’t want to be at a farm. I want to be at a spa with a taco. Preferably chicken.” For the first time this season, I agree with Corinne, and although my choice would be steak, I try not to sweat the small stuff. She tells the camera, “I don’t want to do chores. I don’t know how to do chores! I don’t even make Raquel do farm chores, she’s better than that.” At home, Raquel whispers, “You’re goddamn right I am!” as she slices cucumbers for Corinne’s lunch tomorrow. Corinne continues. “If my hand is losing circulation and feels like it’s going to fall off, I’m going to stop shoveling the poopy.” Same, girl. I wish she hadn’t proceeded to use the word “poopy” ten more times, but she did, and it’s burned into my memory forever.
The rest of the date consists of a cocktail party with more talking and less feces. While Nick takes turns spending time with the women individually, the rest of the ladies gang up on Corinne while they wait to talk to Nick. It must be that time in the season where their cycles have synchronized and they can now think as a single entity. Taylor and Sarah resume their roles as the leaders of the witch-hunt. Sarah starts first. “Do you think you’re genuinely ready to marry a 36 year-old man?” she asks. “When I see you, I don’t see a woman, I see a little girl in a purple bouncy castle.” Really not letting the bouncy castle go, I see.
Corinne responds to the accusation. She first starts by addressing napping through the Rose Ceremony. “I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap,” she tells the other girls. “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. I’m sorry I took a nap!” Her apology has me incredibly conflicted; I myself am an avid napper, and I feel like you shouldn’t have to apologize for napping. Am I starting to agree with Corinne?
I take a moment for introspection. Is she immature and entitled? Yes, at least from what we see on camera. Is she actually a shitty person? Maybe, although I’d tend to describe her as shallow and vapid, which doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person. Am I tired of every moment of every episode so far focusing on her? You bet your ass I am.
The show cuts to a separate interview with Corinne. She tells the camera “I’m very misunderstood right now. Everyone thinks I’m immature! Do you call this immature?” she asks as she squeezes her bosoms together. “I’m like…I’m like a cornhusk. You have to peel the layers back.” Props to Corinne for not ripping the entire analogy from Shrek. “Once you peel the layers back, you get to the luxurious yellow layer. It’s full of tiny nuggets of information…and it’s juicy.” I retract my previous statement. This is taking a weird turn and I am not on board with it.
Corinne continues her rebuttal. “Also, I don’t think age has anything to do with being ready for marriage.” Taylor chokes on her wine and self-righteousness before sputtering out “I think she’s talking about maturity, bitch.” Over the course of the evening, virtually every girl confronts Corinne. It’s stupid and I will spare you the details- mostly because I was so bored I didn’t take notes on them.
While the majority of the girls were sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches, Nick spent some time with Kristina. She whispers sweet, undecipherable nothings into his ears. A brief snippet that I understood was that she wanted to tell him about her family but was afraid that she wouldn’t have enough time for the story, so he’d have to keep her around if he wanted to hear it. They make out. Well played Kristina, make him come to you. Vanessa breaks off from the mob as well and shows Nick a scrapbook her students made for him before she takes her turn making out with him. Even Corinne manages to sneak away as the other ladies between their chants of “BURN THE WITCH” to speak to Nick for a while. It’s pretty trivial, but they talk instead of making out, and Corinne tells the camera that after their conversation, she’s a new woman. If she’s a new woman, then I’m the Dalai Lama, and you don’t see me tweeting Namaste, bitches.
Nick gives Kristina the group date rose to ensure he gets to spend more time with her, preferably in a quiet location where he can understand what she’s saying. The rest of the women make their way back to the Best Western to attempt to wash the farm smell out of their hair.
One-on-One Date with Raven
The trend of this week’s shitty dates continues with Raven’s one-on-one. She meets Nick at a park where he’s like “Hi! Welcome to the park!” It’s not even that nice of a park, but Raven plays it off well. “What are we going to do today?” she asks. Nick replies, “I’m going to introduce you to my parents. Also my little sister Bella has a soccer game we’re going to watch. Actually, she’s right over there, let me introduce you!” Raven’s eyes get even wider than usual. “I shouldn’t have fucking asked,” she mutters.
Nick introduces Raven to Bella. She pretends to be excited, but as Nick hugs her she whispers “Seriously Nick? This is the third one with an accent you’ve brought home in the last three years. I’m over it.” Honestly, Bella has spent more time on-screen than a fair chunk of girls who have actually been on The Bachelor at this point.
Nick and Raven spend some time talking to his parents and they watch Bella’s soccer game. I’m bored watching thirty seconds of this shit, so I can’t imagine what being on this date is actually like. Hopefully they at least got some Capri Sun out of the deal. Instead of breaking off and doing their own thing after the game, Nick and Raven go with Bella and her friends to a skating rink, which apparently still exist in Wisconsin. They try to do some sweet skating moves; Raven tries to skate underneath Nick and is marginally successfully, although she didn’t get down quite low enough and he definitely dragged his nuts over the top of her head. The only move I’m interested in seeing on the rink is a Flying Lotus. If there is no risk of decapitation, gtfo. After the teabagging incident, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer comes on, and they make out in the corner like they’re at a 7th grade birthday party in 1998.
The rest of their date takes place at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Raven is very taken with Nick, telling the camera “My feelings for him go beyond what I’ve ever felt for anyone outside my family. And since I’m from Arkansas, that means a lot!” After they sit down to pretend to eat dinner, Nick asks Raven about her past relationships. “When did your last one end?” he inquires. “Last February…” she tells him, with a distant look in her eyes. “What happened?” Nick asked, pressing her for more details.
“Well…” Raven takes a deep breath. “I was at home with my parents, and a nurse that worked with my boyfriend called me. She told me that my boyfriend was kissing another nurse they both worked with at a bar, and this nurse had already told her ‘I’m going to fuck this doctor tonight.’ So, my momma gave me her car keys, I drove down to Little Rock and used my key to get into his house. When I realized his bedroom door was locked, I kicked it down like a spider monkey and saw him on top of this slut, just thrusting away like he was in a porno movie. I mean, I saw everything! I know what her vagina looks likes. I found one of her stilettos and beat him over the head with it. Then I drove back home.” That’s a lot to take in. Also, I would like to meet more nurses like that.
Nick sits in silence without responding, eyes wide in terror. The date ends as he slowly pushes the date rose towards Raven. She’s ecstatic, and tells the camera, “I’m falling in love with Nick!”
This cocktail party is more of a cocktease party, because nothing really happens – it’s mostly just set up for the next episode. Danielle L. steals Nick away first and everyone bitches because she already has a rose. Standard. Taylor decides she’s done with this shit, and goes to try to steal Nick away, but Danielle L. ignores her and powers through, since she and Nick are engaged in a very deep conversation. “Isn’t this whole thing super dope?” she asks. “Actually, I wish this rose I already have in my hand was a marshmallow to roast over this fire. That’d be ever more dope.” Taylor finally clears her throat again and Danielle finally hands Nick off as if they’re estranged parents on a Sunday afternoon in a McDonald’s parking lot.
While Taylor is outside, Corinne bitches about what a grotsky bitch she is to Josephine as she slugs chicken nugget after chicken nugget. “Bitch, I’m going after her,” she tells Josephine between massive bites. I’m fairly sure she performed some sort of séance before this cocktail party and is now totally consumed with the spirit of Chad, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Taylor plays right into Corinne’s hand, and asks to speak with her outside. She confronts Corinne again, and its more of the same shit. Corinne flies off the handle and tells Taylor to stop talking down to her. Again, as much as I don’t want to, I agree with Corinne. Taylor is really starting to throw of a teacher’s pet tattle vibe, and I want to see these bitches actually throw down. The episodes ends before a full on catfight can ensue, but the preview for next week teases a 2 on 1 date, most likely with Corinne and Taylor, and I for one cannot wait. See you then..
Image via YouTube / ABC