I absolutely love Christmas. I am by no means a Scrooge – I love the lights, the decorating, the eating, and even the shopping, although I’m always sure to finish that by Thanksgiving because one thing I don’t love about the holiday season is overly aggressive mall dwellers. And I especially love Christmas music. This probably comes from a childhood spent in Catholic school, where we learned all of the religious songs such as “Hark The Herald Angels Sing,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “O Come All Ye Faithful” along with secular favorites such as “Deck The Halls,” “Let It Snow,” “Jingle Bells,” and “Winter Wonderland.” Hell, my family is even cheesy enough to have a holiday sing-along on Christmas Eve. It’s so bad that the dogs actually howl, but still, we try.
But despite my love of Christmas music, there is one particular Christmas song that just drives me to drink…and not in a good way. Released in 1994, it topped the charts in Hungary while reaching number two in Australia, Japan, the Netherlands, Norway, and the United Kingdom, and the top 10 in several other countries, and it still surges up the charts every holiday season. Rolling Stone ranked it fourth on its Greatest Rock and Roll Christmas Songs list. It’s earned $50 million in royalties. It’s sold over 14 million copies.
It’s Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” And it is the worst Christmas song of all time.
I know this is probably one of the more unpopular opinions I’ve had (even more than hating brunch), but frankly, the first few notes of that song are enough to send shivers of dread up my spine. Which, given the ridiculous amount of radio play the song gets during the holiday season, happens at least seven times a day. Now, it’s not that I don’t love Mariah – although I prefer 90s “Dreamlover” Mariah to “The Emancipation of Mimi”/reality show version. But that’s neither here nor there. The bottom line is that there’s just something about this particular song that just bugs the crap out of me. Let’s explore the possible three major reasons why.
Of course she “won’t make a list and send it to the North Pole for Saint Nick” – Mariah has assistants for shit like that. But more importantly, does anyone believe that one of the greatest divas of the modern age when she says “I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree?” I’m about 99% sure that if Mariah Carey woke up to no presents under her Christmas tree, she would go all kinds of scorched-earth on people’s asses and there would be nothing left of Christmas besides the charred remnants of that short Santa dress.
Seriously, this has to be the most self-involved song ever written about the season of giving. Christmas is supposed to be selfless, but the entire song is about what “I” want for Christmas. Sure, what “I” want is “you” but still. The words “I” and “me” are used thirty-two times in the lyrics, whereas “you” only shows up fourteen times. The truth is in the numbers, my friends.
It’s Rude To Santa.
Now, I can maybe forgive the first two, but this last one is simply inexcusable. This entire song is Ms. Carey telling us all of the things she won’t do: not only is she not writing a list, she’s also not hanging her stocking, wishing for snow, or staying awake to hear the reindeer click. And never mind that there’s no mention of cookies and milk for dear old St. Nick. But at the end of the song, she has the gall to say, “Santa won’t you bring me, The one I really need, Won’t you please bring my baby to me quickly.” Bitch, don’t you know how this thing works?
See? It’s a horrible, horrible song. But I’m not about to trash the most popular holiday song of current times and not leave you with any alternatives, so here’s a playlist of non-Mariah-Carey songs for your holiday season.
Or click here. You’re welcome. .
Image via YouTube