You want to know my least favorite thing in the world? The dinner bill. It’s written evidence of the frivolous, gluttonous decisions you made, and they give you a copy to take home to remind yourself about it later! That’s why I never take my copy of the check home with me; not because I don’t think the restaurant will accidentally over-charge me and I have to prove it to my bank, but instead because I don’t need any reason to hate myself any more than I already do and looking at the receipts from brunch is not doing me any favors.
And don’t even get me started on splitting dinner bills. What a fiasco. Remember in the dark ages before Venmo when your cheap prick friends would say something to the effect of “you got one more beer than me, and she didn’t have any of those nachos, so write how much you think you owe on the back of the bill with your name and last four digits of your credit card.” Shoot. Me. In. The Temple. I could never handle that; I always would just drop my card on the table, tell someone to “figure it out for me” and then storm off into the bathroom to look at the sports scores on my phone.
But then, two major things happened. One, Venmo was invented so you could easily make up for having the more expensive meal by evening out the payments with Venmo money which, in my mind, is faker than Monopoly money. And the other thing that happened was we all started to make a bit more money and basically realized it all evens out in the end, so let’s just all throw our card in the middle and split the bill. I didn’t have the second glass of wine? It’s fine, I’m sure it was just an off-night for me and I’ll have one more glass than you all the next time we go out.
With my friends, this phase lasted maybe the last two or so years. We were making some money, we had Venmo, and we were all wayyyy too buzzed to figure out how much we each individually owed, especially when the dinner bills looked like when the rookies have to take the whole offensive line to dinner at Peter Luger’s. Just drop the cards and split.
Welp, I’m going to tell you why this whole putting a million credit cards in the middle and splitting mumbo jumbo ceased to exist. My friends and I have all become obsessed with credit card points. Literally can’t get enough points. We still split the bills, but someone always is trying to put the whole tab on their card and then send the Venmo requests out later. And it’s getting a little out of hand.
Whenever we get a bill it becomes a mad dash to get your card into the little book they give you. Limbs flying everywhere, bodies scrambling across the table. Someone will scream at the top of their lungs “DADDY WANTS THE POINTS!”
It gotten to the point where we’d be in line at Starbs, I’d ask what everyone was getting, then when it was my turn to order my drink, I’d order for the whole group just for the points. Things were getting out of hand. So we instituted a system. If you got the points at a meal the last time, you’re out of the running for points at this meal. You take the bill and see the total. Then everyone else guesses the check total. Closest wins and gets the points.
Things are simpler when there’s no bitching about money between friends. Triple points on travel? I got this cab. You’ll get the next one. Is it all going to even out? Probably, yeah. We’ll all get our share of the points, and pretty soon our embarrassment of riches in travel points is going to take us all to Europe on Chase Sapphire’s dime..
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