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How To Spot A Former Fratstar

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It may have been a handful of years since those fateful steps were taken outside the womb-like walls of your alma mater, but some things never change.

Being able to spot a former fratstar takes a combination of inherent and acquired skills. You either are one, dated too many of them, or spent time silently cursing them under your breath when they showed up to the library drunk. Here are some of the telltale signs of a bro still living in the delusions of his glory days and former alcohol tolerance.

Fratagonias

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Your typical post-frat finance bro will wear a Fratagonia (i.e. Patagonia) vest over a button-down from early to late fall before switching over to either his quilted or zip-up (green Bedale) Barbour when the temperature dips. Otherwise, he’ll sport the full Fratagonia fleece to house parties and day drinking. For all intents and purposes, this is like a tracking beam for the like-minded and the ladies who tolerate them.

Sperry’s At The Office

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Who needs dress shoes when your kicks say that you’re ready for boating at all times? Save the weathered ones for the weekend, when the bar floor will be as slick as the surface of your friend Chip’s yacht during a Nor’easter (in your defense, checking the weather channel is for pussies).

Backpack In Lieu Of A Briefcase

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Once used for smuggling beer and plastic handles of liquor into the dorms, your faithful North Face – or Herschel if you moved to Brooklyn – has been repurposed for braving the subway and the floor of your cubicle. Not only does it fit any paperwork — but travel toothbrush, toothpaste and fresh button-down when you stay over your slam’s place.

Brings His Own Koozie To The Bar

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Now that you can no longer call the frat house home base, your favorite bar will have to do. And what better way to mark your territory than bringing your favorite koozie to the chosen establishment? Not only does it distinguish you as a regular, but the respective koozie’s affiliation (fraternity letters or brand) says more than any slurred comments at two in the morning can.

Perpetually In A Button-Down

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Otherwise known as bro spanx, the button-down hides a beer gut quite well and you won’t know that he’s secretly fat until you get back to his upper east side apartment. Who has time for the gym among a 10-hour a day finance job, happy hour and on-call slams?

Hungover Is A Way Of Life

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The alarm clock will always wake you up at 6:30am, but who says your work hours should restrict your way of life? You’ve operated drunk or hungover for four years of college – so consider that training as invaluable as your knowledge of Excel, or ability to get out of a pregnancy scare. Go get ‘em slugger.

Selfish, Yet Endearing Lovers In The Bedroom

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Self-explanatory. I’ll always hold a spot in my heart for you, former fratstars.

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sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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