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Displaced Texan Chronicles: Fireball, Brunch And Assholes

Displaced Texan Chronicles: Fireball, Brunch And Assholes

Seattle is officially the King of Brunch. I am immensely qualified to speak to this because I had brunch for the first time in my life yesterday.

With that being said, I do have some incredibly burning questions about brunch that have been bothering me all day, and as I’ve previously admitted, I am hilariously out of touch with Seattle. Let’s crowdsource this to get the truth.

Why haven’t I ever been truly looped in on the benefit of brunch before?

Look, I knew brunch was a thing rich white people and/or millennials who will never be afford a house did, but I never had any idea it was this good.

Further, in the confines of Seattle, you can have brunch on a pier overlooking Lake Washington. What’s even better? The entire population of under-40s in Seattle is still baked out of their mind from Saturday night which led to a pleasant brunching experience with the family and a bunch of old people who probably just left the set of a LifeAlert commercial.

Are people in general giant a-holes to the waiters at brunch or is that a Seattle thing?

I’ll be the first to admit, the typical brunch-goers in Seattle are 100% not my crowd. But the Seattle brunch crowd is all I have ever seen. Are they normal or is this just Seattle out there Seattle-ing again? In addition to looking like they’ve walked straight out of Lululemon wearing their recent purchases, most of them looked like they could have potentially talked their way into having Town and Country feature them in a spread on eligible bachelors. This place was a straight WASP-fest. We get it, you’re white.

One of the big positives of going to brunch before 11 is you can avoid the 90% of Seattleites who aren’t awake yet. However, you still have to deal with 10% of them. There was a middle-aged gentlemen, who I found out by eavesdropping relies an enormous deal on government funding and entitlements to stay afloat. This fella’ whistled repeatedly at the waiter, and not the “I’m just holding a tune in my barbershop quartet kind of whistle.”

I am talking full-on 3rd grade teacher whistling in front of an auditorium full of 300 snot-faced kids kind of whistling. In addition to obnoxiously loud whistling, this assclown walked INTO THE KITCHEN of the restaurant three times to try and track down the waiter.

The waiter was phenomenal, by the way. I also had him. I just found it incredibly obnoxious that someone who was definitely putting off the “I have lots of money and I am important, which allows me to treat people like shit vibe” was actually relying on the government for basically every single purchase he made. And of course he had a brand new iPhone.

Do people actually eat their food at brunch or is this just a straight Insta-fest?

I think there were more selfies and food shots taken than actual eggs cooked by the restaurant yesterday. I enjoyed brunch because it was a chance to actually go somewhere with my wife and son to enjoy a breakfast on the water. Apparently brunch for others is just a chance to post on social media that you’re having brunch with others. Ignoring the spread of brunch is something akin to a 14-year-old boy ignoring Kate Upton jumping on a trampoline in his backyard during a thunderstorm.

IS THE SPREAD ALWAYS THIS AMAZING?!?!?!?!

I won’t lie, I loved brunch food so much I made brunch food for dinner that night just so I could eat it all again. #2timessunday

Much like a steakhouse bringing you an obnoxiously large chunk of bread that could feed a small African nation for a year, the brunch-house brought us this blueberry coffee cake crumble thing with warmed apple-butter. It was the greatest appetizer I’ve ever had in my entire life. Why can’t this shit be everywhere?

Further, I’ve never actually thought about ordering eggs any way but scrambled and drowning in chili/salsa. But the brunch-house didn’t have that option, so I had to go the over-medium route. Want to know what is so ingenious about this? When the eggs burst and shoots runny yolk everywhere, you can use toast to soak that shit up and enjoy it so much longer. Brunch food is basically a net-zero, it’s just great for the environment. #savethewhales

Finally, and probably most importantly, brunch allows you to let your inner alcoholic out substantially earlier in the day than what is normally deemed socially acceptable. Even better, you can order those borderline feminine drinks that are just fucking delicious that you can’t order any other time you’re out in public because alcohol shaming. Brunch lets us be who we are and we don’t have to hide it. #equality

Why is brunch only a weekend thing? That’s horseshit. It should be everywhere.

Seriously. I am now the biggest brunch fan ever and there’s no way this phase will ever go away. YOU CAN HAVE CHEESECAKE BEFORE NOON WHY ISN’T THIS A BIGGER THING?!?!?!?!

Is there a better combination for a Sunday than early morning tee time-brunch-nap?

I decided to set a tee-time for before 6 a.m. on Sunday. That wasn’t even the worst decision I made as I was talked into drinking Fireball on the 1st, 10th, 13th and 18th tee of said golf round. I think, I don’t really remember much of the round because I drank fireball at 5:53 a.m. on a Sunday and then proceeded to continue drinking at brunch because I literally have no shame. Aside from that, though, it was a really nice experience.

I’m a huge fan of the early-morning tee time, and even though I hadn’t played golf since putting some assholes into the ground for shitting on Texas, I actually made it around in a respectable 77. There is a 100% chance the Fireball tanked that round because I was +6 on Fireball holes but only +5 on the round. Dragging your tongue in between your teeth to remove the burning cinnamon sensation while standing over your tee-shot with a 2-iron is not usually a good idea. Whoops.

But then I followed up golf with an amazing brunch and an amazing nap. Does it get any better than that?

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Kiawah Island Strip Club

I'd rather be golfing. Seattle sucks so I write about that. Also work...ish in recruiting. Shoot your resume to kiawahislandstripclub@gmail.com for any and all job hunt questions.

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