America’s List Of Demands For London To Get An NFL Team

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Given the increasing number of games being played by the NFL in London over the last few years, it’s becoming apparent that the league has aspirations of placing a team in the UK. That seems silly on its face, but we already have NBA and NHL teams in Canada, so it’s not like we’re unfamiliar with taking our sports international. But if this is going to become a reality, we as the American people have a few requests to the people of London for how this should come about, and I’ve of course nominated myself as the spokesman.

  1. You aren’t allowed to use your own terminology for things. The QB is not a “tosser,” a touchdown isn’t a “try,” and a first down is not a “ninny-nanny.”
  2. You have to be named the Redcoats, and play an annual game against the Patriots on December 16, the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party.
  3. American commentators only for your local broadcasts. If we have to listen to Brits call golf and soccer, you better believe we’re sticking you with some red-blooded meathead from the South.
  4. You must provide dental coverage for all team employees.
  5. The kicker has to be a Premier League player, and at least one member of your starting team has to be a rugby player. We wanna see how they stack up.
  6. We want an official apology for burning the White House in 1812.
  7. Watch Rudy, Remember the Titans, Any Given Sunday, Varsity Blues, The Replacements, The Waterboy, Brian’s Song, Friday Night Lights, and Little Giants in the offseason. We’ll send you the DVDs.
  8. Don’t compare football to soccer. You can still call it American football, we get that you’re pretty dead set on what you consider “football” to be. But complaining about how slow the game is, and how little action there is on the field is an insult to the nuances of the sport. Even when the ball isn’t snapped, things are happening. Quarterbacks are checking in and out of plays, defenses are trying to adjust, pre-snap. It’s subtle, but really cool once you get the hang of it.
  9. All teams visiting London get a bye the week after. We’re not trying to compromise our competitiveness because of jetlag.
  10. Watered down American beer will be served at the games, and it will cost an absurd amount of money per cup. If we have to deal with that, so do you.
  11. Be prepared for several seasons of disappointing results. Liverpool fans should be used to this.
  12. All home games must be night games. I’m not trying to wake up at six in the morning on a Sunday to get football viewing underway.
  13. Fish and chips are fine and delicious, but get yourself some damn nachos.
  14. Broadcast “First Take” on the BBC so you can come to hate Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith as much as the rest of us.
  15. Start creating football programs at your high schools. Or secondary schools, or whatever you call them. If you’re gonna have a team, you should start grooming some players to actually contribute to the sport in the future.
  16. Take the Jaguars. We don’t need three teams in Florida.
Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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