For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the premiere episode.
Alright folks. My favorite part of having an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette to finish off a three-day weekend is that no matter how much of a drunk asshole you were or how many questionable decisions you made over the past 72 hours, at least you’re not about to be humiliated on national television. If you didn’t get your fill of barbecue over Memorial Day Weekend, never fear, ABC made sure to deliver 23 slabs of man meat to your television screen to fill that hankering. This week brings us two group dates, a one-on-one date, and possibly the most dramatic date in Bachelorette history. Let’s break it down.
Husband Material Group Date
This week’s episode starts the morning following the first Rose Ceremony. Actually, it’s more likely this took place that afternoon seeing as it was broad fucking daylight when last week’s rejects had to make the walk of shame from the mansion to the limos, lamenting on all their wasted outfits and crying crocodile tears of embarrassment because of their inability to convince Rachel they were worthy of love. As the survivors of the first night slowly wake up, hangovers made exponentially worse by having to sleep on bunk beds in a room full of dudes, Chris Harrison wastes no time and heads into the mansion for his contractually obligated interaction with this season’s contestants.
“Good afternoon gentlemen! Congratulations on making it this far. Your journey is just beginning – this will be an experience that will….” Chris pauses, eying the bar longingly. “Fuck it. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” Chris tosses the first date card like a Frisbee towards the dudes. “So long, gay boys!” he shouts as he leaves the mansion.
Lee picks up the date cards and begins to read. “Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas – “I’m looking for husband material.” While most of the guys look ecstatic, Jonathan stares at the ground forlornly. “My ex-wife used to say I was husband material.” (Sidenote: Jonathan the tickle monster is apparently also a physician, which makes me hate him both more and less at the same time.)
The dudes get rounded up and head to some ranch, where they are met by Rachel, who is grilling various meats for their culinary pleasure. The Bachelorette is such a progressive show; we’re really annihilating some stereotypes here, guys. After feeding her men, Rachel and the dudes play some football. I’d say that it looked like fun, but it really didn’t. While Lucas was busy WHAAABOOOOMing left and right, Blake was busy bitching about Lucas.
I enjoy having Blake on my television about as much as I enjoy accidentally sitting on my testicles. His presence is truly excruciating. Instead of playing football with the rest of the boys, Blake mopes to the side, taking over Rachel’s role as grill bitch. “Lucas is garbage,” Blake tells the camera. “I know a lot about garbage. It’s where I found this very deep cut t-shirt. It’s also where I found my ex-girlfriend. She was inflatable.”
As the football game draws to its merciful end, Rachel announces that she has more fun activities planned for their group date. “I’m looking for husband material, so naturally I need to test your domestic abilities, because if I’m gonna pop out some kids, I’m definitely not giving up my career to take care of them. Since none of you actually have real careers, I need to know who is the most capable stay-at-home dad.” Put me in, coach! Being a stay at home dad sounds badass.
Rachel casually mentions that some fans of the Bachelor franchise will be helping to judge this competition, and proceeds to introduce Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, as if they need introductions. Mila and Ashton reveal that they’ve been fans for a while, and when Rachel was announced as Bachelorette, they contacted the producers and asked if they could be on the show. When you have celebrities doing the legwork to make an appearance on your shitty reality show, you’re doing it right. Also, it’s a real testament to Rachel’s confidence to bring Mila Kunis onto the show where the men are supposed to want to marry her because while Rachel is incredibly attractive, she’s no Mila Kunis.
As per tradition of stupid Bachelor relay competitions, the men learn that they will have to change a diaper, put on a Baby Björn, prove they know how to vacuum, unclog a drain, find a giant, fake diamond ring in the bottom of a sink, set a table, and present Rachel with flowers. After each task, one of these potential sperm donors will be eliminated.
Iggy tells the camera, “I mean, I poop every day, so I think I should be able to clean it up.” Congrats Iggy. I poop every day too, but you don’t see me announcing that to an audience. Wait. Shit. As the race begins, it becomes abundantly clear that none of these dudes are cut out for fatherhood, or independent living if we’re being totally honest. Iggy is the first to be eliminated; apparently, his ass-wiping skills are subpar at best.
Blake is one of the next to go, failing at the vacuuming challenge. Instead of taking his loss like a man, he starts to scream “BUT LUCAS IS CHEATING! HE’S NOT PLAYING FAIR!” While yelling that makes Blake look like a less-than-platinum vagine, I’d like you to keep in mind that the person he’s yelling at is Mila Kunis. I repeat, Blake decides to yell at Mila Kunis about eliminating him from a relay race on The Bachelorette. That really tells you all you need to know about Blake as a person. They only thing I would even consider yelling at Mila Kunis would be to leave Ashton because we belong together, but in reality, I would probably be unable to speak in her presence.
The rest of the race is a total disaster. Babies are dropping left and right from upside down Baby Björns, Mila is laughing so hard that she falls to the ground, and Ashton just stares in abject horror. As the race drags on, Lucas and Kenny are left as the final contenders. They are neck and neck, sprinting into the home stretch of this waste of our lives until Lucas stiff arms the shit out of Kenny and drops him like a baby back bitch. Being taken down by the Whaboom guy is probably going to look great on his professional wrestling career. In the face of his victory, Lucas whabooms for Ashton, who is not impressed.
The rest of the date is devoted to a cocktail party. Lucas gets a little bit of extra time for proving that he is competitive and uses it to read a poem to Rachel. She seemed moderately impressed; however, I stopped listening after he used the phrase “just the tip.”
While Lucas was away with Rachel, Blake seized the moment to talk shit about him to the other dudes. Before Blake could complete his tirade, Jack Stone cuts him off. “I’m pretty sure Rachel will be able to see through that bullshit.” Blake gazes smugly on, thinking that his mission is accomplished when in reality everyone just thinks he’s an insecure prick. Which is correct.
The rest of the conversations were boring. Fred reminds Rachel that he isn’t a bad little boy at summer camp anymore, although when you think about it, this show is basically a grown-up version of summer camp, and Rachel is still the counselor, so I’m not sure his argument is totally airtight. Jonathan tells her how to wipe a baby’s ass, and Rachel makes a note to never let him father her children. Iggy tries to speak, but instead just stammers and sweats a lot.
Eventually, Blake gets time with Rachel, which he uses to tell her that he knows Lucas because he lives with Lucas’s ex-girlfriend. Blake seems exactly like the type of dude who would live with your ex-girlfriend. “Also,” Blake continues, “Lucas wears makeup. He picks it out himself.” Rachel rolls her eyes. “Maybe you should wear makeup,” Rachel mutters. “Splotchy motherfucker.” She didn’t actually say that. I said that.
At this point, Rachel tells the camera, “What’s the opposite of horny? Because that’s how I feel right now. I am the opposite of interested in this group of dudes. They’re all going straight to the friend zone. Actually, I don’t even think I really want to be friends with any of them. Just send them back.”
She changes her tune once she’s spent some time with Dean. While their conversation wasn’t particularly groundbreaking, he did spend the entire time rubbing her thigh. She must have been into that, because she gave him the group date rose, and then proceeded to smear her lipstick all over his face as they made out as he walked her to the limo. Good for Dean.
One-on-One Date with Peter
The second date card this week reads, “I’m looking for my best friend…” and is addressed to Peter. Rachel and Peter hop in the Tesla that ABC is advertising and start driving to an unknown destination. Sidenote: during last season, JoJo always drove the dudes around on their dates and every single time, the dude looked like he was scared shitless. Rachel has the right idea and lets the dudes chauffeur her around. As Peter drives, he tells Rachel, “I feel like we’re driving to an airport,” as they pull up to an airport. Rachel makes a mental checkmark next to “observant” on her husband material list.
As they walk towards a private jet, Rachel reveals she hasn’t been totally honest with Peter and that their one-on-one date is actually going to be a two-on-one date. Who is this mystery suitor? My pulse quickens. My palms get sweaty. I almost throw up mom’s spaghetti, but then I remembered I live 300 miles from my parents and I had wine for dinner. A limo pulls up to the airstrip. The anticipation builds. Will it be a newly single Ben Higgins, throwing his hat and his heart back into the ring after Lauren Bushnell threw her ring back at him? Could it possibly be Chris Soules, soaking up the last moments of his freedom before he faces the possibility of life in an Iowa prison? The possibilities are endless.
As the door to the limo opens, a familiar face emerges. It’s Copper, Rachel’s dog, complete with a cast on his front leg. She tells the camera that he was in an accident recently, but is pretty vague about the details. Maybe she accidentally gave him a love tap with her car while she was typing out some fire captions on Insta and touching up her makeup, or maybe Copper got his paw caught somewhere and he tried to 127 Hours his way out. I’m sure all will be revealed in time.
Once the third member of the date party had arrived, the crew climbs into the plane and jets off to Palm Springs. Their destination is one of the greatest dates in Bachelorette history – Barkfest by Bark Box. It’s literally just a pool party with a shit ton of dogs. Dogs everywhere. Happiness everywhere. Love everywhere. I’m surprised that Rachel and Peter were able to pay attention to each other with so many dogs around to play with. It’s the closest thing to heaven I’ve ever seen.
After the puppers are all tuckered out, Rachel and Peter head off to pretend to eat dinner. As they walk towards the table where their food will grow cold, Rachel tells the camera, “Tonight I want to get to know Peter on a deeper level. I want to get below the surface. Like at least inside his pants…It doesn’t have to be a full on HJ, I just want to get an idea of what he’s working with, you know? Mama’s got needs.”
Their deep conversation consisted of a rousing discussion about how they both have gaps between their teeth and they’ve both been to relationship therapists. Once this is revealed, they stare deeply into each other’s eyes before yelling “TWINS” in unison. It’s heartwarming. They both feel that the gap between their teeth is unique and adds character to their smile and are grateful that they didn’t get it fixed. I get their point, but as a former gap-toothed freak myself, there are few things I’m more grateful for than my parents’ willingness to shell out a few K’s to keep my oral cavity from looking like total disaster. To each their own.
By the end of the date, it’s clear that Rachel is super into Peter. To be honest, my favorite thing about Peter is that he makes me feel much more secure about the amount of gray hair I’ve developed since starting residency. It’s no surprise that Rachel gives Peter the date rose, and afterward she tells the camera that she’s a smitten kitten and leads Peter outside, where fireworks light up the sky. The couple is overcome by passion as they seal the night with a kiss, their tongues darting sensually between their teeth in a tender dance of blossoming love.
White Men Can’t Jump Group Date
The last date card of the week arrives, and is addressed to Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario, and reads “Swish.” In a shocking twist, the dudes learn that their date will consist of playing basketball. Never would have seen that coming.
As the dudes roll up to a high school gymnasium, they find Rachel shooting some hoops. “Hey guys!” she greets them excitedly. “We’re going to play basketball today! Plus, I have someone special coming to help whip your sorry asses into shape, which will be way more entertaining for me than for you, but this is my show, so suck it.” The dudes look around, anxiously trying to spot the celebrity guest. “Maybe it’s Brittney Griner,” said no one, ever.
Turns out ABC somehow landed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to teach these nerds a thing or two about how to ball. Once they start playing, it becomes very clear they need all the help they can get. Demario and Eric seem to know what they’re doing, while the only thing Lee is able to do successfully is eat shit while wearing some camo joggers. Kareem makes them run some drills, and during some free shooting time, DeMario plays a little one-on-one with Rachel and proceeds to dunk overtop of her. “Did you just dunk on me?” Rachel asks him. “Did he just teabag her?” the rest of America wonders.
Eventually, Chris Harrison makes his way from the spa to this high school. “Alright, asshats. Scrimmage time. Winning group gets more time with Rachel. You know the drill. Let’s hurry it up, I’m not trying to miss happy hour for this shit.”
“By the way,” Rachel interjects. “You’re going to be playing for PACKED HOUSE!”
Turns out her definition of a packed house was about 150 middle aged women who probably camped outside in a line to see this shit, since the fire marshall set a limit on how many people could be crammed into this tiny gym. As the game starts, Eric takes one of the first possessions. Like a real douche nozzle, he tries to throw down some dance moves while moving the ball down the court. While the fifty-year-old white ladies in the crowd swooned, Rachel wasn’t feeling it, especially after he finished his little routine off with the worst shot I’ve seen since the first quarter of Space Jam.
Watching these bros play was like watching a high school girls’ basketball game, except worse, because instead of watching this, I could have been sleeping, and now I have to think about it all over again. Just to give you an idea of how bad it truly was, the score was 17-14 at halftime, with a final score of 30-26. As this dumpster fire of a game smoldered to its conclusion, Rachel remarks that she was impressed by DeMario and his ball handling skills. Judging by the look in her eyes, she curious about he maybe handle a few other things.
The dudes head back to the locker room, while Rachel soaks up some attention from her devoted fans. As the crowd thins out, one woman is left. She introduces herself to Rachel, and then tells her that she’s DeMario’s girlfriend.
Folks, this is why we watch.
DeMario must have a time machine, because if he doesn’t, I don’t know how to explain how he started banging what is clearly the adult version of the Cash Me Outside girl. She tells Rachel that she hadn’t heard from DeMario for a few days until she saw him appear on After the Final Rose, when he asked Rachel to fly to Vegas and elope with him. Probably not the easiest way to break up with someone, but it’ll do.
Rachel decides she wants to hear DeMario’s side of the story, so she goes to the locker room to retrieve him. The other dudes think she just wants to spend more time with him, and clearly DeMario thinks that is the case as well. He talks a big game until he rounds the corner in the gym, at which point he says, “Ohhhhh what are you….who is this?” While hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, The Bachelorette does have the fury of a woman who found out her boyfriend was going on a television dating show by watching it happen on live TV and then him pretend to not recognize her on said show.
As soon as Rachel asks him about his relationship with Cash Me Outside, DeMario starts backpedaling faster than a VHS recording of the Tour de France getting rewound. “This chick is psycho,” he tells Rachel. “I met her many times ago. Can we talk about this off camera? This is like personal life stuff here.” None of those sentences make sense, but those are the words that came out of his mouth.
Rachel is unimpressed. “We’re going to talk about it right here. I’m putting my personal life on television, you idiot. So, when did you stop talking to her?”
DeMario waffles. “Uhhh, well, we still talk some.” Ruh-roh.
Cash Me Outside pipes up. “The last time you were in my house you were fucking me.” Bold, but effective. Rachel puts on what I can only assume is her courtroom “I’m going to rip your throat out but in a professional way because I am a lady” face.
DeMario acquiesces. “We have had sexual intercourse.” Why would he use the word “intercourse?” Why?
Cash Me Outside tell Rachel she has some text messages that make it seem apparent that DeMario hadn’t broken up with her – and Rachel asks him if the messages will support his story. He says nothing.
“I’m going to need you to get the fuck out, right now.” Rachel tells him. BOOM. Roasted.
With DeMario gone, Rachel is clearly upset. “Don’t worry, baby girl,” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar whispers into her ear. “He wasn’t the only sexy chocolate that can ball that could show you a move or two.”
Even after all the excitement, there is still a cocktail party with the other dudes to attend. Josiah starts his conversation with Rachel by going balls to the wall talking shit about DeMario, probably because up until 45 minutes ago they were new BFFLs and he has to make sure his image doesn’t get tainted by DeMario’s indiscretions. Will reads Rachel a poem, and Alex sings her a song in Russian. It’s possibly worse than his basketball skills, which were nonexistent. The most uncomfortable moment came when Eric decided to kiss Rachel; their body language was oddly reminiscent of the prom scene from Napoleon Dynamite, except instead of complimenting Rachel’s sleeves, Eric just rubbed his face all over hers while making sure to leave room for Jesus between their bodies. Super weird.
Josiah got the group date rose, Rachel surreptitiously sent a text to Kareem, and everybody went home for the night.
Rachel showed up to the cocktail party looking hot as hell in a slinky black and gold number and only had time to make out with Bryan the chiropractor before Chris Harrison approaches her with some news.
“DeMario is standing at the end of the driveway, and he’d like to speak with you.”
PSYCH. When the cocktail party didn’t even start until 9:50, I knew there was a zero percent chance that we’d be getting a Rose Ceremony tonight. I’m usually pretty disappointed when that happens, but to be honest I’ll probably be riding the high from watching Rachel’s go ballistic on DeMario and eagerly anticipating her next verbal takedown of that piece of shit that I don’t even care.
Next week brings us Rachel vs. DeMario in the case of Cash Me Outside Girl, Part II, and hopefully a Rose Ceremony to thin the herd a little bit. See you then. .
Image via Hulu