For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the latest episode.
Alright folks. I’m on a particularly brutal rotation and have been awake for thirty hours straight, so this should go about as well as Amanda Stanton and Josh Murray’s engagement. This week’s episode of The Bachelorette brings us a grown man begging for forgiveness like an entitled child, two group dates, and a one-on-one date. Let’s break it down:
The Return of
the Douchelord DeMario
Hey, remember last week when we watched Rachel find out that DeMario had a girlfriend, who may or may not be the adult version of the Cash Me Outside girl, and then saw her literally tell him, “I’m going to need you to get the fuck out right now?” To prove that he is a good listener and also that he respects women, DeMario decided to show up to the Bachelor Mansion during the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party demanding to talk to Rachel. Last week’s episode cut off just before their conversation, and this week’s begins with that particular trainwreck.
As Rachel makes her was towards the bottom of the mansion’s driveway, the news of DeMario’s return spread like
chlamydia wildfire amongst the other dudes. In a stunning display of groupthink, they all decide to march out to the driveway as well, mostly to mock DeMario while pretending they have the balls to try to kick his ass.
DeMario begins his appeal on a strong note. “Rachel, I just can’t let you go.” This is good. She tells you to piss off, and now we may have a hostage situation on our hands. This is going well. DeMario continues, saying, “I completely fucked up. One of your rules is to keep it real, and I didn’t keep it real with you.” While DeMario isn’t technically wrong here, his ability to understate the situation is flawless. Sean Spicer should be getting nervous because DeMario has some serious spin skills. He continues, “When I was on my way up here tonight, I told my Uber driver that I was coming to talk to my future wife.”
Sweet Baby Jesus in heaven. This guy is delusional. It’s one thing to even entertain the idea that Rachel would let him come back on the show, but for his mind to be able to make the logical leap from not only being allowed to continue on The Bachelorette but to go on to win the damn thing is truly impressive. For his sake, I hope he’s blackout drunk. I wish I were blackout drunk so I could one day escape the schadenfraude of what is transpiring on my television screen. Just when you think he’s done, DeMario throws down his final gauntlet. “I want to begin earning your trust back, and I think the place to start that is at the Rose Ceremony tonight.” Bachelor Nation takes a brief moment of silence as its collective brain explodes before shouting “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” in unison at television screens across America (and apparently Canada as well.)
For a moment, Rachel forgets she’s in a ball gown and channels her inner lawyer pantsuit power. “I appreciate you taking the time to come here tonight,” she begins. (See, Rachel can lie too!) “But I need a man, who when confronted with a difficult situation can be honest with me. I gave you opportunity after opportunity to be honest, and you continued to lie. If you had been honest with me when I first asked about
that whore your previous relationship, you’d probably still be in the mansion. But that’s not what you did. What I saw in that gymnasium was a boy, and I’m looking for a man. I’m glad this experience has offered you some perspective, but your way forward is not back towards the mansion. It’s out there,” Rachel says, pointing nondescriptly towards anywhere but the Bachelor Mansion.
“But Rachel…” DeMario pleads.
“Alright dude,” Rachel snaps, her patience evaporating like any feelings of attraction she ever had towards DeMario. “I’m going to make this very simple for you. Have you seen the movie Borat?
DeMario nods silently, unsure of where this gypsy is leading the conversation.
“Good. What I’m trying to say is…” Rachel pauses, clearing her throat. “YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS LALALALALA!”
With that, Rachel heads back to the Mansion. As she passes the rest of her pack of dongs, someone asks, “So, is he coming back?”
Rachel laughs to herself before turning to them. “Fuck no!”
After all the excitement with DeMario, I’d completely forgotten that we still had an entire cocktail party to endure. While it was largely uneventful, there were a few highlights. Noted Tickle Monster Jonathan showed up with a giant set of fake hands to continue proving that it’s easy to convince him to do dumb shit on television. Alex talks to Rachel while doing a Rubik’s cube, and while she appears to be impressed, she is definitely not aroused by this skill; however, she played some basketball with Will on a Fisher Price toddler size hoop and liked what she saw enough to suck face with him. During her conversation with Kenny, she described him as having layers, like an onion, as if it were an original comparison and everyone watching didn’t repeat that line in Eddie Murphy’s voice from Shrek. Come to think of it, Kenny does look a little bit like an ogre. Maybe Rachel’s subconscious is making that connection as well.
The pièce de résistance of this cocktail party was Butthurt Blake and Whaboom. These burgeoning frenemies continue to antagonize each other at every turn. Blake continued his perennial bitching to the camera about Lucas, saying “The thing that’s hard for me to swallow…” To be honest, I didn’t even listen to the rest of his sentence, because I would rather complete it for him than listen to his shitty answer. What’s difficult for you to swallow, Blake? Two dicks at once?
During his time with Rachel, Blake continues to talk shit about Lucas. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the sound of myself chugging wine. Apparently it concerned Rachel enough that she decided to bring up Blake’s concerns with Whaboom himself. Lucas has an insightful response to her questions, replying, “Maybe Blake has a crush on me. I woke up last night and he was standing over my bed licking a banana.” Rachel takes a moment to ponder before responding. “Did he finish the banana?” This is not the question I would have asked in that situation, however it is now the only question I need answered.
Again, Rachel seems concerned enough about this banana incident that she goes to find Blake. For a smart woman, she is completely oblivious to the fact that these two have got to just be fucking with her. “Blake,” Rachel starts. “Lucas told me you were watching him sleep while eating a banana. Is this true?” As someone who routinely has to ask people when the last time they took a shit was because it’s part of my job, I often pause and wonder what choices in my life have brought me to the point that such a sentence is coming out of my mouth. I hope Rachel had that moment during this conversation. When Blake responds, he simply says “I’m actually on a ketogenic diet, so I don’t eat bananas.” Personally, I’d address the “watching another dude while he’s sleeping” aspect of that accusation first, but to each their own. Fucking weirdo.
Like Chris Harrison, I’ve had about enough of this shit for one night and am relieved when it’s finally time to cut some of the dead weight and get this season moving. Peter, Dean and Josiah already have roses. The remaining sixteen (mother of God) go to:
– Bryan – Chiropractor who refers to himself as a physician and makes me roll my eyes so hard I may develop a concussion.
We also learn during this Rose Ceremony that some of these dudes are developing an annoying habit of accepting their rose with a stupid line instead of just saying “Yes” like a normal person, so those individuals will be mocked for that.
– Bryce – When Rachel asks if he accepts his rose, he replies “With an open heart.” Excuse me while I vomit. I’ve seen an open heart. It’s disgusting.
– Eric – I still have nothing to say about Eric. Yet.
– Anthony – Accepts his rose “with pleasure.” I hate him.
– Will – Will Will accept his rose? “You know I Will!” Someone put me out of my misery.
– Jonathan – Tickle Monster
– Jack – Accepts his rose by saying “You bet” Fuck you, Jack.
– Matt – Bald Penguin
– Alex – Rubik’s cube, speaks Russian
– Adam – Where’s Adam Jr.?
– Kenny – Will Kenny accept his rose? He does by saying “How Kenny say no?” My soul is slowly dying.
– Brady – This may be the first time Brady has been on screen
– Lee – Replies “Yes ma’am.” It’s weird.
– Iggy – His presence makes me uncomfortable
– Fred – Bad Boyz II
This means that in addition to Jamey with the small D, we’re saying goodbye to Blake and Whaboom. As they exit the mansion, they get into a screaming match, and it is television gold. As Lucas is having his exit interview, Blake comes behind him, which is probably not the first nor the last time that’s happened, and gently whispers in his ear, “I just want to say ‘Fuck you.’ If it hadn’t been for you, I would have had a shot with Rachel.” I think that’s factually incorrect, but irrelevant at this point. Lucas doesn’t take this bullshit. “Go back to your protein shakes and your steroids. Go back to your garbage clown life!” For the record, I will now be calling people garbage clowns.
Ellen Show Group Date
I am emotionally exhausted and we haven’t even gotten to the actual dates on this episode. Jesus, take the wheel. This week’s first group date is for Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred. Their date card reads “Lights, Camera, Action – come join me on the set of Ellen!” As they read the card, the dudes ponder. “Wait!” they exclaim. “I bet we’re going on the Ellen show!” Bless their hearts.
As the dudes roll onto the set, Rachel watches them arrive on camera with Ellen. She tells Ellen a little bit about each of them, and Ellen doesn’t seem impressed. Ellen and I have that in common. We also share a love for Portia de Rossi that endures despite her questionable facial reconstruction. Ellen asks Rachel if she’s gotten to see the dudes without their shirts on, and she confesses she hasn’t yet. Ellen smirks, saying, “We can change that.”
After the episode starts and Ellen chats with Rachel for a bit, she brings the dudes out on stage. “Alright boys. Give the ladies what they want. Shirts off and drop it low!” The dudes comply without protesting, shedding their shirts and dispersing into the crowd of middle aged white women. Within seconds, Will and Alex are getting singles stuffed down their pants as they twerk on very willing audience members. Alex gravitates towards ladies in the upper echelons of the age spectrum, offering an apology to the camera for whoever’s grandmother he just treated like a stripper pole. Meanwhile, Jonathan dances like every white dude ever, prompting Ellen to whisper in Rachel’s ear that “Tickle dude doesn’t dance so well.” I feel like Jonathan just needs a friend and maybe to deal with his issues on a venue other than a nationally broadcast television show.
After their dancing, Ellen gets the dudes to play “Never Have I Ever,” which is one of my favorite ways to get to know people better while alienating them all at the same time. We learn that Rachel has already made out with half the dudes on the date and the Alex has peed in the pool at the mansion. Fred reveals he hooked up with a woman twice his age, and Rachel again comments to Ellen about what a bad boy Fred was as a child. It’s starting to get uncomfortable.
The tension with Fred continues into the cocktail party. Fred reveals to the camera that he has had a crush on Rachel since childhood, and how much this opportunity means to him. He also talks about how he’s insecure about the fact that a lot of the other dudes have already kissed her while he’s been
fantasizing about that for years waiting for the right moment.
While most of the cocktail party consists of Rachel making out with her dudes, her conversation with Fred is decidedly unsexy. He tries to be suave, but it falls flat. He brings up being surprised that she’s kissed so many of the other guys already, which is probably not a good segue into a game of tonsil hockey, and then asks if he can kiss her, which is the opposite of a panty-dropping line. She tells him that now she just feels awkward, and feeling that he has created the perfect moment, Fred launches an assault on her face. He kisses her with a series of awkward pecks, and as she scoots further and further away, he continues to follow her, completely unaware of how poorly this is going.
After their kiss, Fred tells the camera that in that moment, he saw himself in a tuxedo and Rachel in a wedding dress, which is an embarrassing thing to admit on television. After crossing that important camper-counselor boundary, Rachel finally admits to herself that there’s no fucking way she’ll ever see Fred as anything but a kid from summer camp and gives him the boot. After walking Fred to the limo and telling him to have a good school year and that she probably won’t see him next summer, she returns to the rest of the dudes and gives Alex the group date rose before sliding out to find some mouthwash.
One-on-One Date with Anthony
This date is stupid. Anthony meets Rachel in Beverly Hills and they ride horses up and down Rodeo Drive. If I were Anthony I would be pissed, not only because my mother named me Anthony, but also because this may be the worst date I’ve seen on this show so far. They ride their horses into some stores, buy some boots, let the horses shit on the floor, and buy some cupcakes from the Sprinkles ATM before calling it a day. I would offer more insight but that’s all that happened and there’s no way Anthony is going to win this show.
For the evening part of their date, they eat dinner at a table set just to the side of the park bench overlooking LA that was featured heavily in La La Land, except there’s way less chemistry between Rachel and Anthony than there was between Emma and Ryan. Thankfully, there was also less tap dancing, although that may have helped to make this date more entertaining to watch. The first question Rachel asks Anthony over the dinner they aren’t eating is how he became an old soul. I don’t know where that question came from, and I don’t know how Rachel can think Anthony is an old soul while he is wearing those stupid fucking earrings. I want to rip them off his head. Apparently Rachel is less bothered by them than I am and gives Anthony a rose. From dinner, they moved on to dancing and awkwardly kissing at a private concert while I moved on with my life.
Mud Wrestling Group Date
The last date of this episode is a group date for Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric, and Brady. The date card reads, “Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge.” As the dudes debate whether or not this date will involved one of them getting pegged, Rachel walks in with Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis, who we learn have planned this date for her. She tells the camera “My girls are so important to me, so I need their input on these men.” Good try Rachel; we can all see that this is a thinly veiled plug for Paradise, especially since all those ladies were just revealed to be on this season’s cast.
The crew loads up in a party bus, gets drunk, and heads off to the date. As the drinks flow, the girls get the dudes to dance on the pole (because what respectable party bus doesn’t have a pole?) Meanwhile, Raven gets some of the dudes to start talking shit; she asks if there are any dudes that aren’t there for the right reasons, and both Bryce and Lee tell her that Eric had been questioning whether or not Rachel was being genuine in her search for love. (Earlier in the episode, we saw this conversation – Iggy called Eric out for questioning Rachel’s intentions, and Eric lost his damn mind and started screaming at Iggy. Homeboy is not stable.) Raven tucks this little nugget of info into her Daisy Dukes for future use.
The bus drops the future cast of Bachelor in Paradise off at a random bar, where the dudes learn that they will be mud wrestling. It’s very original. While Kenny is thrilled with this idea, the rest of the dudes shit their collective pants at the thought of having to wrestle a professional wrestler. The crowd at this bar may very well be comprised of the same women that were at the Ellen show, except this time they’re all about half a glass of sangria away from taking their tops off. The moment the dudes walk in, a particularly robust specimen screams “SHOW US YOUR JUNK” to no one in particular. No junk was shown.
As Rachel and friends continue to get obviously hammered, the dudes square off in a single elimination style tournament. Brady is the first to lose and does so in spectacular fashion, without so much as a single strand of hair being misplaced, while successfully getting a face full of exfoliating mud to enhance his complexion. He agreed to participate only if the other dudes agreed to abide by Anchorman-style rules and spared his face from any potential injury. One by one the dude eat shit, until only Kenny and Bryce are left. As these two sensually roll around in the mud, Bryce manages to avoid getting his ass kicked and somehow walks away with the victory.
While the dudes get hosed off outside, Raven tells Rachel the details from her conversation with Lee and Bryce. “Fuck,” Rachel whispers. “Not again.” As the girls depart, likely to board their plane to Paradise, Rachel and the dudes head to a cocktail party. During their time alone, Rachel tells Kenny she was surprised that he didn’t win the wrestling tournament, since you know, that’s his actual job. He tells her that he hasn’t always been a wrestler; in fact he got his start in Vegas as a Chippendale. I wish I were more surprised. He breaks her off a little preview of the remix and starts dancing, first taking off his shirt and then literally ripping his wifebeater off his chest. It’s aggressive and I’m uncomfortable.
Once that foray into stage entertainment was wrapped up, we see Rachel spend some time with Eric. I’m not sure if we have actually seen Eric talk to Rachel on camera this season, but the dude goes from zero to sixty real quick. In full on seduction mode, he tells her “Girl, I’ve been running from my feelings for my whole life and now I don’t even know what to do because of you. I want to know where you’re at girl.” Rachel responds appropriately, saying “Well, I’d like to get to know you better!” Eric doesn’t love that answer. “But girl, where are you at? Are you feeling me?” He clearly does not understand how this show works. Rachel stands her ground, telling Eric, “I’m interested in you. I want to spend more time with you, but I heard from Raven that a few of the guy think you might not be here for the…” Her voice drops to a whisper before she continues. “…the right reasons.”
Eric instantly becomes defensive. “Who said that?” he demanded. “Oh,” Rachel thinks. “Raven said it was Bryce and Lee.” Has she also never seen this show? Why is she feeding into the insanity? After their conversation, Eric beelines back to Lee and Bryce. “Why are you talking shit about me?” he demands. The rest of the dudes literally get up and leave, which is probably not a good sign. Lee is not phased. “Listen man,” he tells Eric. “You’re an awesome dude, but after watching you scream at Iggy last night, my perception of you changed. That’s not normal behavior.” Eric is incredulous. “You mean seeing me verbally berate another person just one time is enough to make you think about me differently?” Lee breaks out into a shit-eating grin, “Yep! You got it.!”
Eric tells the camera “Lee has a lot of snake in his DNA” which kind of makes sense but is not scientifically sound. Regardless, Rachel gives him the group date rose so we’re going to be subjected to his bullshit for at least another episode.
Cocktail Party II
Rachel shows to the mansion and gives a toast that I don’t listen to because I am ready for the episode to end so I can go to sleep. The first conversation we see is between Iggy and Rachel; he tells her about overhearing Eric question how authentic her investment in being the Bachelorette was, and how when he called Eric out about what he said, Eric screamed at him in the middle of the mansion. While it was a shitty thing for Eric to do, I still don’t understand why these dudes think that tattling on each other to Rachel will result in her wanting to make sexy time with them. Tattling is like the least sexy thing they could do. If Iggy had kept his damn mouth shut and let Rachel hear about what had happened from one of the other assholes on this season, she may have started to see him as more than an asexual blob whose name is easily confused for the work “icky.” Alas, his die is cast.
Rachel talks to Lee, who echoes the same sentiment and confirms the story about Eric screaming at Iggy. Even though he already has a rose, Rachel pulls him aside. She begins the conversation calmly, simply asking how his night is going. Instead of playing it cool and lying like a normal person, he says, “I don’t know man, lotta people coming at me tonight.” What the fuck does that even mean? Also, why are you calling her “man?” What is wrong you?
Pushing further, Rachel asks him if he had been questioning whether or not her intentions were genuine. He gives a fairly ambiguous answer, and she tells him she’s starting to question her own decision about giving him a rose, and from now own her antennae will be up. She doesn’t have antennae. That’s a stupid thing to say.
After their conversation ends, Eric returns to the living room of the mansion and calls a meeting of the dudes. I’ve never seen someone do that before; I didn’t realize anyone besides Chris Harrison had summoning powers. Is there a magical Bachelor conch that they use? If so, it should definitely be boiled between uses. As the dudes assemble, Eric starts screaming, first at no one in particular. “ALL THIS WEEK” he starts, as if he’s giving a motivational speech in a locker room full of drunk, horny dudes in suits. “ALL THIS WEEK MY NAME HAS BEEN IN EVERYBODY’S MOUTH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ABOUT ME? WHY IS MY NAME IN YOUR MOUTH? DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME, MAKE THIS ABOUT RACHEL!”
Lee breaks into the diatribe. “Dude, you’re making this a little bit about you when you scream at Iggy and again now by screaming at all of us. So maybe you can try to make this less about you too.” Eric cannot and will not understand what Lee is trying to communicate. “MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH. MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH. MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH!”
The screen cuts to black with a “To Be Continued…” as the echoes of “MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH” continue to reverberate slowly within my skull.
Next week brings us the conclusion of this meltdown and one step closer to Rachel’s happy ending. See you then.
Sidenote: The highlight of this episode happened during the credits – Brady tells the camera that he hopes to fight the stereotypes of male modeling as espoused by Zoolander, so during the cocktail party, he demonstrates his signature look, which he calls the “Booger Roll.” He literally pretends to pick his nose and then roll a booger in his fingers while staring wistfully into the distance. I need more of this dumb fucker on my television, and I need it now.
Image via Hulu