For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the premiere episode.
Alright folks. It’s finally happening. The powers that be at ABC have graciously granted us another season of the best trash television you could ask for, and I for one, could not be more excited. This season’s Bachelorette is Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old lawyer from Dallas, TX. We first met Rachel on Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor, where she won the hearts of America because she managed to be neither boring, slutty, crazy, dumb, nor bitchy. Nick also was a big fan – in fact, he liked Rachel so much that he got her to admit she was falling in love with him, banged her during the Fantasy Suite episode, and then dumped her the very next day.
The premiere starts with the captain of this struggle ship, Chris Harrison, narrating Rachel’s journey during the previous season. “She came to the Bachelor mansion very skeptical, but quickly realized she was falling in love. However, just as that love was coming to fruition, her time with Nick ended, and she left, brokenhearted. Even through the pain, Rachel realized she was still open to finding love, and that’s why she’s black. I mean, back. That’s why she’s back as our Bachelorette.”
Let’s take a moment to address the elephant in the room – Rachel is the first African-American contestant to be cast as the lead on either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. There’s been a lot of hype about this leading up to the season, and this year’s cast is definitely the most diverse group ABC has ever put together. It’s 2017, so I’m glad we’re making some progress. With that being said, that’s the last bit of politics you’ll hear from me, because when it comes to the Bachelor franchise, your boy is an equal opportunity shit talker.
The next segment of the episode is devoted to a reunion in the Bachelor Mansion, where all of Rachel’s ex-sister wives come to give her advice about how to be successful on a show none of them were able to win. Raven, Corinne,
Dolphinshark Alexis, Jasmine, Kristina, Assturd, and Not Assturd start by talking about how fabulous Rachel looks. “I love your lipstick!” Kristina tells Rachel. “What flavor is it?” They reminisce about how drunk yet bored they were during the entirety of Nick’s season, which coincidentally were exact feelings I was having watching this conversation unfold on my television. They tell Rachel to follow her heart and that they all hope she finds happiness. Alexis also reminds Rachel to give people that show up in costumes a chance, because they can turn out to not be total lunatics. All praise Dolphinshark. Raven takes a long swig of champagne before casting a glance downward, muttering “I don’t give two shits if you find happiness, you better send some fresh man meat home early so I can pounce on it during Paradise. I need to have my second orgasm ASAP.”
Without further adieu, Chris Harrison breaks open the ceremonial jar of tears of contestants past and sends it cascading down the driveway of the Bachelor mansion, indicating the start of yet another journey to find
fame love and avoid venereal diseases heartbreak. Once the pathway to the mansion is lubricated with sadness, broken hearts, and crushed dreams, the limos begin rolling in, carrying ABC’s next victims to their fate.
Rachel stands alone at the front of the mansion, looking like a total smokeshow in her white dress, and meets the thirty-one (good Lord) dudes who will be competing for her
platinum vagine heart. The door to the limo opens, and the games begin. Let’s break it down:
Peter, 31, Business Owner, Madison, WI
He’s good looking and normal, plus the first person out of the limo is always a power player. We’ll be seeing him around for a while, methinks.
Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Within moments of being introduced to Josiah, he announces that as a child, his older brother was bullied so badly he committed suicide. Josiah found him hanging in the family’s backyard, which is a horrifying way to start this season. I would like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be a part of, because it is really ruining my buzz.
After that, he started getting into some hoodrat things with his friends, got arrested, reformed his ways, and now he works for the same prosecutor’s office that caught him red-handed as a kid. We come full circle and it would be heartwarming, if my heart weren’t cold and dead inside from years of watching this shit. When he gets of the limo, he tells Rachel, “By the end of this process, I’m convinced you’ll have proof beyond a reasonable doubt we should be together.” I hate that and wish I could erase it from my memory, so I switch to whiskey. Also as the night goes on, it turns out Josiah is kind of an arrogant prick. Not a huge fan but I have a feeling he’s going to stick around.
Bryan, 37, Chiropractor, Miami, FL
Bryan is a 37-year-old chiropractor whose midlife crisis must’ve been to decide to go on The Bachelorette. When asked for his bio what his three best attributes were, he answered “Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart.” Most doctors I know can tell the difference between three and not three, but I digress. He’s also 37, which is Bachelor years is about six months older than God himself. He’s Colombian and speaks Spanish to Rachel, which gets her all kinds of hot and bothered.
Kenny, 35, Professional Wrestler, Las Vegas, NV
Thank goodness he isn’t an amateur wrestler – that would just be awkward.
Kenny lives in Vegas and has a 10-year-old daughter and somehow I don’t quite envision him as the dude Rachel brings home to her federal judge father.
Robert “Rob,” 30, Law Student, Houston, TX
In the picture for his bio, he looks a lot like Tom Cruise, but when he gets out of the car, he looks exactly how I picture most law students: tired and disheveled. He tells Rachel that she was his number one draft pick and I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.
Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO, Chicago, IL
When Iggy gets out of the limo, he tells Rachel “I’m genuinely and authentically excited to be here,” which makes me genuinely and authentically want him to get back in the limo and go home. He does get bonus points for listing Grandma’s Boy as one of his favorite movies in his bio.
Bryce, 30, Firefighter, Orlando, FL
When Bryce exited the limo, he picked Rachel up off the ground, and that was about all we saw of him this episode, so I dug a little bit deeper. According to his bio, if Bryce could have any job in the world, he would be a professional Instagrammer. Congratulations Bryce, you’ve joined the correct franchise to make that dream come true. He says that the wildest things he’s ever done while having sex is catch a girl’s hair on fire; good thing there was a firefighter around to save her. He also describes his ideal mate as “Tall, athletic, soft features, eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun” and describes his abilities as a lover as “fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” I don’t know what any of that shit means, but I bet his ‘Gram captions are going to be #insufferable.
Will, 28, Sales Manager, Miami, FL
He gets out of the limo dressed as Steve Urkel and while he did a great impression, it still made me uncomfortable. The jury is still out on Will.
Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst, Chicago, IL
Apparently, Diggy has 575 pairs of sneakers, which seems like an unwise way to spend money, but what do I know? I’m sure he pulls more ass than me. Maybe I should buy more sneakers.
Kyle, 26, Marketing Consultant, Los Angeles, CA
Kyle asks Rachel if she wanted to see his buns and then busted out a basket of bread. Kyle may look like a goober, but as long as he keeps Rachel from getting hangry, he may stand a chance to stick around.
Blake K., 29, US Marine Veteran, San Francisco, CA
Blake was a US Marine so I’d like to thank him for his service to our country in the military and for serving our country again by providing high-quality entertainment on The Bachelorette. In his bio, Blake K. says that if he were stuck on a desert island the one thing he couldn’t live without is Chipotle, because Chipotle is life. Finally, we found a dude that has his goddamn priorities straight.
Brady, 29, Male Model, Miami FL
I’m torn on Brady – he’s the one who came out of the limo and smashed a block of ice with a sledgehammer and said, “I just wanted to break the ice.” On the one hand, I could see myself getting along with him, but on the other, I really want to use that sledgehammer to smash his stupid, pretty face. He’s a male model and his bio says that the greatest gift he ever received was a pair of Lululemon sweatpants because his girlfriend at the time knew he appreciated lounging in well-made, high-quality sweatpants. Is this douche canoe already fishing for Instagram endorsements? I hope Brady spends more time this season doing Blue Steel than speaking.
Dean, 26, Startup Recruiter, Venice, CA
Dean was the dude who showed up to After the Final Rose and told Rachel “I want to go black and never go back” on live television, so my expectations for him were pretty low. This time around he seemed like less of a twat waffle, but I still would not want to have a beer with him. Side note: is he old enough to drink?
Eric, 29, Personal Trainer, Los Angeles, CA
I have nothing interesting to say about Eric.
DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter, Century City, CA
If you listen to Don’t Take It From Us, you know that I’m was a big DeMario fan from the preseason hype. I’m not going to lie; I was pretty underwhelmed by both him as a person and his interaction with Rachel. I guess I’m in the market for a new early favorite.
Blake E., 31, Aspiring Drummer, Marina del Rey, CA
You know how I literally just said I was in the market for a new favorite? I can assure that Blake E. is not that individual. What exactly does he mean by “aspiring drummer?” If his dream is to one day pick up a pair of drumsticks and every so gently touch their tips to the head of a drum, dream big man. If he means he wants to be a professional drummer, again, dream big man. I can’t with this dude. He wasted a solid minute of America’s collective life talking about his penis and the compliments it has received at the beginning of this episode, and backed that up by marching up to meet Rachel with an entire drum corps, so I guess he has moved from aspiring drummer to actual drummer. Well done. Live your best life, Blake E. According to his bio, his favorite memory from childhood is going to horseback riding camp, which is probably where he lost his virginity…I just hope it was to a female camper. If given the opportunity to watch any movie, Blake’s bio says he would choose Fifty Shades of Grey because he “loves sexy taboo stuff” which doesn’t make me feel good about the fate of those horses. Why can’t you just go watch actual porn like the rest of us, you fucking weirdo?
Fred, Executive Assistant, Dallas, TX
Turns out Fred went to grade school with Rachel, so he brought a yearbook along with him to remind her exactly who he was – turns out Rachel remembered Fred all too well. She was apparently an 8th grade camp counselor and described him as a very bad little boy all while exclusively referring to him as Frederick. There’s a lot of tension here, and I don’t think it’s just from the years little Frederick spent cranking one out while he was thinking about his favorite camp counselor. There’s more to this story, and I want to know it now.
Jonathan, 31, Tickle Monster, New Smyrna Beach, FL
Jonathan gets out of the limo, asks Rachel to hold out her hands, close her eyes, and then proceeds to tickle her. NOPE.
Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter, Nashville, TN
You guys know how I feel about singer/songwriter archetype on this show. (If you’re new to Dude’s Breakdowns, I’ll give you a hint: I fucking hate it.) Lee gets out of the limo with a guitar and sings a little ditty for Rachel, and I’ll admit, it wasn’t as shitty as I expected it to be, although he was no Carly Waddell with her pink karaoke machine. The only thing I like about him is that his hair reminds me of the wave emoji on Will DeFries’s Twitter, which helps calm my boiling rage about all other aspects of this dude.
Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor, Grosse Pointe Park, MI
According to his bio, Alex says that his worst traits are being selfish, unemotional, and unapologetic, and the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is eat a live salamander. Is he trying to out-Chad Chad? The version of Alex we see on this episode seemed much more subdued. He came out of the limo with a vacuum cleaner and I don’t know why, and to be honest, I don’t care enough to figure it out.
Milton, 31, Hotel Recreation Supervisor, North Bay Village, FL
There are a few unfortunate things about Milton. First and foremost, his name is Milton. The second thing is his facial hair, and the third is his career – because “hotel recreation supervisor” probably means lifeguard or the dude at the 12’ x 12’ gym who re-racks the dumbbells so they don’t get cited for a fire hazard. I wouldn’t get too attached to Milton because I have a feeling the Holiday Inn Express in North Bay Village will have their employee back home very soon.
Adam, 27, Real Estate Agent, Dallas, TX
Based on his bio, Adam seemed like your prototypical basic bro. His three favorite movies are Transformers (translation: Megan Fox), The Wolf of Wall Street (translation: Margot Robbie), and The Pursuit of Happyness (unclear). He says the greatest gift ever received was a threesome, so he’s either a fantastic liar or is actually dumb enough to talk about having threesomes on a show where the goal is to get married and have monogamous vanilla sex for eternity. While he says that his most embarrassing moment was telling his mom that he was going to be on The Bachelorette, I think it may quickly become the moment he stepped out of the limo with a horrifying dummy he named Adam Jr. Time will tell.
Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep, Meriden, CT
Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician, New York City, NY
I’m very skeptical of medical professionals who appear on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Being a physician is not a career where you can just decide that you want to take between one day and two months off to find love on television. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. I don’t even know the next time I’ll have an entire weekend off. I have a feeling that these contestants are either really bad or really unhappy at their current jobs so they’re looking to do something different altogether. Grant’s bio said that he used to sing Ice Ice Baby on stage at bar mitzvahs, so apparently, he’s always been this cool. He also said he once shaved a brain into his hair as a joke. As someone who has gone to medical school, those types of people are the fucking worst. My suspicion is confirmed when Grant shows up to the mansion in the back of an ambulance. Do less Grant, do less.
Anthony, 26, Educational Software Manager, Chicago, IL
Anthony? Did he say Anthony or what?
Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive, Santa Monica, CA
His limo exit wasn’t particularly memorable, but later in the evening he announced he was wearing a $2000 suit, so I will remember that Jamey has a small penis.
Jack Stone, 32, Attorney, Dallas, TX
Do we call him Jack? Or is it always Jack Stone? I’m not from the South so I get confused about the rules of double names. Regardless, Jack Stone got some screen time early in the episode talking about being a lawyer and telling everyone he lost his mother to cancer when he was in high school, so he’s probably going to be the next Bachelor or something.
Mo, 26, Product Manager, Pacifica, CA
Mo tells the camera that he has been doing Bollywood dancing for like twenty years, so now I am invested in Mo getting a hometown date solely for the Bollywood dancing potential.
Jedidiah, 25, ER Physician, Augusta, GA
Jedidiah exits the limo wearing a loosely buttoned white shirt and a vest, makes a Biblical reference, and kisses Rachel’s hand before walking into the mansion. Serious question – is Jedidiah currently, or at any point has Jedidiah been Amish?
Michael, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player, Chicago, IL
When Michael meets Rachel, he presents her with a brownie and says, “The blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.” If I were Rachel, I would not eat that brownie.
Lucas, 30, “Whaboom”, Santa Monica, CA
Lucas is the final dude to exit the limo, and he does so in quite a memorable fashion. First, he rolls down the window and pushes the bell of a megaphone outside to announce his own entrance. “Coming in at 6 feet tall and 195 pounds of pure muscle, with one testicle slightly larger than the other, which is completely normal….IT’S YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND!” I know I take a good bit of artistic license with these recaps, but that shit’s verbatim. Lucas comes out of the limo wearing a tank top with a Bitmoji of himself on it underneath a blazer. We then learn what “Whaboom” is – and while Lucas insists that it’s a lifestyle, in reality it’s just him shaking his face like a slobbering dog while screaming “WWWHHHHHAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” This dude’s best (read: only) friend is probably his coke dealer. It’s kind of like Champ Kind yelling “WHAMMY” but less funny. I hate it. I hate him. I hate myself.
After what seemed like an eternity but in reality was only about forty-five minutes, we have finally met all thirty-one
pieces of fresh meat contestants for this season. The rest of the episode is spent at a whirlwind of a cocktail party. I’ll spare you the gory details, so here are the highlights:
Josiah is the first dude to steal Rachel away, and uses this time to talk about being arrested as a child. Super romantic. Dean takes her to build a sand castle, which is appropriate because he’s actually twelve. Penguin Matt takes the hat of his costume off and we learn that he is rapidly losing hair, so maybe staying in costume would be in his best interest.
Interspersed into these boring AF conversations are clips where camera keeps cutting away to Adam Jr., the doll, doing creepy shit all over the mansion. It’s actually hilarious, and I hope Adam stays just for more of this.
As the evening progresses, tensions start to mount once the dudes realize they are barely getting any time with Rachel. Jamey describes the atmosphere in the most accurate way I’ve ever heard, saying “Tonight is like rolling up to a bar where there’s only one girl, and for some reason, you decide to stay.” Nailed it. The dudes start to actually line up near where Rachel is sitting, sharking around whichever dude is currently talking to her. Meanwhile, Lucas sits just off screen with his megaphone, giving the rest of the mansion the play-by-play of exactly what’s happening in each conversation. He’s annoying, but that’s hilarious. No better way to rile up these dudes than by having a little fun with what most of them perceive to be the most important night in their life. The winner of the “Panties in a Bunch” award is Blake E., who takes it upon himself to invoke the first “He’s not here for the right reasons” of the season. Captain Butthurt asks to speak to Lucas privately, and Lucas essentially tells him to eat a dick. I find myself agreeing with Lucas on this one. I can already tell that Blake E. is this season’s special snowflake, and my whole body gets tingly when I think of all the things I’ll be saying about him in the coming weeks. It’s like Christmas come early.
The only real winner during the cocktail party was chiropractor Bryan. He pulled Rachel aside and was like, “Hey look, I’m old as fuck so you can either shit or get off the pot but I want to get married before I die or become too old to appear on television.” Rachel is like “Wow that’s so refreshing!” I’m still trying to process what the hell is happening when Bryan grabs Rachel’s face and just starts making out with her. He claims that he’s good with his hands, but from what I can see he is not good with his tongue. There’s just way too much tongue, all over the place, everywhere, and it needs to stop. Apparently, Rachel was super into it, and ends up giving Bryan the First Impression Rose, even though Josiah had already pinned it to his own chest, because he’s a cocky douche. After Rachel gives Bryan the rose, they make out again, with even more tongue, if that’s possible. In the background, a white girl wasted Mo simple yells “NOOOOOOOOO!”
With that, Chris Harrison reappears from his trailer. “Alright asshats, line em up. Time for some of you to get off my lawn.”
Bryan already has the First Impression Rose, so we know he lives to see another day. The remaining twenty-two (sweet Jesus) roses go to:
– Peter – First out of the limo, first up at the Rose Ceremony. If you’re not first, you’re last. (I know he didn’t technically get the first rose don’t @ me I just didn’t have anything else to say about him.)
– Will – Steve Urkel
– Jack Stone
– Jamey – Big price tag on the suit, small penis in the pants.
– Iggy – I struggle with knowing that a grown man lets people call him Iggy.
– Eric – I still have nothing interesting to say about Eric.
– DeMario – No longer my favorite, and quickly becoming one of my least favorites.
– Jonathan – I wonder how many tickles Jonathan has left? Eleven perhaps? Ten? That seems about right. Ten tickles. Jonathan has ten tickles.
– Bryce – When asked if he accepts this rose, Bryce answers “With honor.” Kill me.
– Alex – Vacuum dude
– Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, which is his actual wrestling name. What a time to be alive.
– Dean – Sandbox kid
– Matt – Bald penguin
– Brady – Respected my wishes and did not speak for the remainder of the episode. Good boy.
– Josiah – Eye roll emoji
– Lee – I wonder what he’s going to name his EP that is sure to drop right after he gets eliminated?
– Diggy – I can’t get over the 575 pairs of shoes. Where does he keep them? How many did he pack? These are the things that keep me up at night.
– Fred – Frederick has been a bad little boy. You know what happens to bad little boys? They get roses.
– Adam – Unfortunately, Rachel only has a rose for Adam, not Adam Jr. He flew too close to the sun with that one.
– Blake E. – Do I have a note on my phone where I’m writing down insulting things to say about Blake E. in the upcoming weeks? Possibly.
– Lucas – WHABOOM!
That means that we’re saying goodbye to Amish Jedidiah, Shitty Dr. Grant, Law student Ben, Blake K. the Marine, Kyle and his basket of snacks, Hungover Mo, Milton, and Michael.
The episode ends with a preview of the rest of the season, and judging by the clips we saw, we’re in for a roller coaster of temper tantrums and man tears. See you then. .
Image via The Bachelorette Twitter