Does anyone really still use Facebook seriously anymore? I log into the ol’ book every now and again to throw out a Happy Birthday and also just glance around for a second, but I quickly get annoyed with the ever-changing layout, the abundance of stupid game invites clogging up my notifications, and just the fact that I’m supporting Mark “Adidas Sandals” Zuckerberg, and hit the sign out button before heading back to the promised land: Twitter.
But it isn’t just the fact that Facebook can’t keep getting facelifts and boob jobs done to make it “better” that annoys me — it’s the people that are on Facebook. For whatever reason, it seems like everyone’s News Feed is constantly flooded with posts from the dumbest people around — people who you’re pretty positive would have to phone a friend for the first round of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader — people who probably still sing “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani to spell banana — people who just shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
We should unfriend them, but they’re like human versions of car crashes. We just can’t look away.
1. The New Mom
Oh cool, you named your baby Nevaeh and that’s her first time eating peaches? (That’s Heaven backwards, FYI.) Are you also super excited for her debut in 17 years at The Landing Strip in Dillon, Texas? No one wants to see blurry pictures of your rugrat every morning covered in maple syrup and drool. Kids remind us of two things:
1. That we are not mature enough to have them without ruining them.
2. That they look sticky and we should go wash our hands.
If someone wants to see a picture of your baby, I promise they will ask for it. Until then, you are allowed one post a month, sister. One. A. Month.
2. The Political Activist
This goes for everyone, whether you identify as Red, Blue, or one of those people who insists on wrapping themselves in a “Don’t Tread On Me” photo on reddit. Just please: shut up. If you use a website initially created for messaging classmates regarding homework and royally screwing over a couple of twin rowers to rant about how you’re worried about how God is looking at the country or how no one should tell you what you can or cannot put in your vagina, you need to take a nap. It’s great that you feel passionately about things, that’s not for social media. You aren’t inspiring anyone, you’re making them hope you swallow your own tongue and/or lose your hands so you cannot go near a keyboard every again.
3. The Candy Crusher
Who ARE you?! Seriously?! Do you not have a job? Do you just spend all of your 9-to-5 time “in the bathroom” and you just send these requests all damn day? You have a problem. If I could make them do an episode of Intervention for you and your stupid Candy Crush addiction, I would. Go away! Go back to work! Stop it. Seriously, please just stop it.
4. The Kids Who Got Married A Year Ago
We get it. You looked beautiful in that dress, your flower girl was adorable, that black and white photo of your first dance tugs at the ol’ heartstrings…but it’s over. The thank you notes have been sent, all of your leftover booze has been drunk, so make like Elsa and let it go. Nobody thinks it’s still relevant when you change your profile picture to that long exposure with the sparkler kissing picture everybody does thanks to Pinterest. You’re annoying the rest of us who are lonely and currently mouth kissing our dogs while crying to “Skinny Love” on repeat.
5. The Event Planner
A battle of the bands in some small ass town, 45 minutes outside of the city at the local VFW? No thanks, Ashley from high school who I’m pretty sure got the herp from blowing the entire wrestling team. You aren’t fooling anybody into thinking you have a super fulfilling social life by sending out all of these obnoxious event notifications every other day. We all know you go home to Netflix and barn wine every night, because we do the same thing. Now STFU and sip your Yellowtail without clicking “Invite.” Help me help you, Ashley. Help me help you.
6. The “Photographer”
Oh so you bought a Canon on Craigslist. Good for you! Thank you for showing me an entire album featuring close up shots of various flowers from around your neighborhood and titling it “Landscapes.” I really needed that on a Wednesday afternoon. Definitely feel more serene and artistic now. Not sure what I would’ve done without that T5 shot of a petunia. Can’t wait until you discover the “close up of an eye” pic. That’s gonna be a DOOZY.
7. The Blogger
Now, this is not a person with an actual blog maybe using Facebook to promote said blog. This is the person who missed the memo about statuses and uses them to let you know what is going on every single day of their goddamn life. Thank you for telling the world exactly what happened today while you were driving around in your 2009 Prius because you’re taking some time to find yourself. Everyone was really curious about what you love the most about New Mexico and how the desert “inspires you”. Loved that “in the car” selfie too — that really was the cherry on top.
8. The Fiancé
Yes, eventually she will be either the previously mentioned “Year Past My Wedding But LOOK AT MY DRESS” girl or the Blogger (Because she’ll be divorced or trying to have a baby and you MUST know about it). But right now? She’s taking a picture of that rock and sitting inches from the computer to watch the likes flood in. The only thing that warrants more notifications than your birthday on Facebook is getting engaged and posting it on Facebook. Way to give in to the trend, girl. Way to go.
9. The Person Who Shares Everything
Yeah…I have access to Buzzfeed, too. Bizarre, I know. You don’t need to post a link to a funny listcle about Star Wars and tag 19 friends in it. Have you not heard of group text? Hey, I promise they will see it if Star Wars is as important to them as you think. I don’t want to see your quiz results or that meme of a kitten. Your Facebook is a mess. You look like the internet manifestation of someone who used to make collages for fun. Clean it up, dude.
10. The Inspirational Quoter
“No one is ever busy. It’s about priorities.”
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
News flash: you are annoying, your crazy is showing so tuck that back in, and none of those things were actually said by Marilyn Monroe..
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