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I remember the first time I took Plan B. I was 16 years old and asked an older friend to pick it up for me with the wad of cash I grabbed out of the tip jar at the smoothie place I worked. She gave me a look of superiority before heading off to the mythical place where emergency contraceptives were sold, only to return an hour later with a brown paper bag filled with anti-baby medication.
Over the course of the next ten-ish years, I became quite a connoisseur of the morning after pill. Generic, brand name, it didn’t matter. I would rather be safe than sorry, and I’d pop those suckers if there was even a slight chance that a baby could be brewing in my belly. Hell, sometimes I even took it just for fun. Cramps, nausea, and unnecessary bleeding? Talk about a great Saturday night!
Because the thing is, for as long as I can remember, getting pregnant was just about the worst thing that could happen in my not-quite-an-adult life. While I enjoyed plenty of mostly safe and definitely premarital sex, there was one rule and one rule only: Do. Not. Get. Pregnant.
I couldn’t be the girl who graduated high school with a bump or spent her sophomore year of college nursing a baby in the back of Econ 101. It didn’t matter how drunk, how horny, or how attention-seeking I was. I made sure to take every precaution necessary to avoid pushing a human out of my vagina each and every time I let a human go up in my vagina (great visual, right?)
Still, as the years went on and more of my days were spent working, cooking, and going to bed by 10 p.m., and fewer days were spent staying out until 2, sleeping until 11, and choosing wine over water, something strange happened — I stopped taking Plan B.
It wasn’t really a conscious decision. I mean, it wasn’t like I enjoyed taking it, and it wasn’t like I randomly became against it. But with growing up comes learning more about yourself and finding the best ways to protect yourself. I swapped the birth control pills that I always forgot to take for an IUD, and crazy drunken hookups were traded for premeditated, romantic evenings. As my life became more secure, so did my sex life, and the thought of an accidental pregnancy not only seemed less likely, but it also seemed shockingly less daunting.
Because what’s scary at 16 isn’t exactly as scary at 25. And even though having a baby right now would be inconvenient AF, it wouldn’t exactly be life-ruining.
And I think that is the exact moment when you become a true adult. Not when you have your first beer, vote in your first election, or quit your first shitty job in a blaze of glory. It’s quieter. Calmer. More of a dejected acceptance. Because even though a lot of adult things happen, I think there’s only one true test of whether or not you’re able to take on the world. Be in charge of your own destiny. Fulfill any clichés that I’m missing. It’s that, if you got knocked up (or if you did the knocking), while it might not be ideal, you’d be capable of handling your shit, one way or another.
I’m not saying you want to have kids. I’m not saying you wouldn’t be hella upset that you were part of creating another human. Hell, I’m not even saying you wouldn’t hit up the shmashmortion clinic ASAP. But, and here’s the important but, when you’re officially an adult, it’s not as all-consuming of a fear.
When you were in high school and skipped study hall to roll around in the back of your car with your girlfriend, the occasional panic attack of “did I use the condom correctly” or “did I pull out in time” would keep even the most level-headed guys up at night. And ladies, you’d be lying if you didn’t sort of think you were pregnant each and every month until about the age of like, 22. It’s just how it was. You’d panic about how you’d tell your parents, how you’d tell the father, how you’d react if the random you hooked up with last year showed up on your doorstep with an infant that had your nose. You had no idea how you’d handle it, and you just hoped that the spermicidal lube, the libido-destroying pills, and the double condoms did their jobs. Using two condoms did mean you were extra safe, right?
But now? As one of those real adults you never thought you’d become, the accidental pregnancy isn’t only easier to avoid, but it’s easier to manage. I mean, it’s the reason most of our Facebook friends are already married. The goalie was pulled. The guy figured, “fuck it, I had a good run,” and put a “will you marry my daddy” onesie on the baby as soon as it was pushed through his once-favorite hole. Whether you keep it hush-hush and do some spring cleaning of the uterus, or if you act like this is a blessing and accept your new role as parents, the accidental pregnancy, while still horribly inconvenient, is no longer a life ruiner — it’s just a life changer. Okay, yeah it’s still a life-ruiner. But at least now we’ll all just like your
shitty ass Instagram picture and pretend that it’s just a blessing in disguise. Sure, we’ll talk shit behind your back but it’s better than calling you a slut at the lockers like we would have in high school. See? Maturity..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Um no, I call bullshit. I’m almost 29 and still freaked out by the idea of an accidental pregnancy.
Are you….are you kidding me? An unplanned pregnancy at 25 may not be as bad as one at 16, but it’s still pretty fucking bad.
I guess I’m just more adult than you.
3 weeks ago you wrote an article entitled “Why Aren’t We All Always Getting Spray Tans?”
I’m not a doctor but I think you can have both a tan and a pregnancy simultaneously
Eh, probably best to play it safe and avoid if you’re pregnant. Actual UV tanning for obvious reasons. Spray tanning because the spray contains DHA, which is bad for grown humans to inhale so I’m sure it’s a no-go for developing fetuses.
Ms. Varina, I respect your right to your opinions but for the love of Poseidon I hope that someone doesn’t read this article and is inspired to make a terrible life choice that negatively affecting them the dad or potentially the kid that’s life gets affected when the mom or dad decides to bail and get out of Dodge when they realize being a parent is more than Instagram posts and Christmas cards
Wow. I️ hope one day I can become more like you and not break a sweat over a massive unwanted change that impacts literally every aspect of my life, but I️ guess I’m just not adult enough yet.
I’m 26 and I’m almost positive I would cry if I found out I got someone pregnant.
Everyone go home tonight, make a delicious meal, pour a relaxing drink of red wine, maybe throw on a favorite movie or show, lol out the window at the cold and dark world outside, and really ask yourselves….do we need more people? The answer to that story is now btw lol
This is probably my favorite thing you’ve ever said.
Do the environmentally smart and right thing, don’t have kids. That is what my decision is based off of.
At the very least, only have one kid in your life. That way you are continuing humanity while scaling back our numbers.
You know, condoms are still pretty cheap and effective.
I still get shocked when people say they got pregnant on accident as if they didn’t know what would happen when no preventative measures were taken.
“The whole sperm/egg thing is real????”
What’s a condom?
Nice to see you among the people Duda
Also ST to the fucking Ds. Condoms are the single most effective preventive outside of abstinence.
It always shocks me that people forget about this aspect. This is at minimum 95% of the reason I use condoms until I know that both of us are (and have been for a decent amount of time) on the same page about exclusively seeing each other.
The thing that scares me most about an accidental pregnancy is that by the time I realized I was pregnant that baby would most definitely have fetal alcohol syndrome.
Horrendous take, not even touching on the pro-life vs pro choice side of things there’s these two things that work together called condoms and situational awareness that are exponentially cheaper than spending hundreds on plan B and on the rare occasion that those two things fail that’s when you head to the pharmacist.
Also, with all of that money spent on Plan B, you could have said you’re allergic to cream pies and taken that money and invested it in Raytheon stock and make even more money while also being responsible for a different type of abortion without the emotional investment. Our leaders do this alllllll the time
“Allergic to dream pies” holy shit i am dying
Excuse my ignorance since I’ve never had to buy plan B but isn’t that shit expensive? And you seem to have taken many, many times? Condoms are cheap and effective too. Sounds like you spent thousands on plan B which isn’t exactly an intelligent adult decision considering the alternatives.
Plan B is $40-50/pop
Or $0 if you go to Planned Parenthood and look broke AF.
Plan B is plan A.
Not to mention that Plan B is pretty bad for the health of your reproductive system. Taking it many times throughout your life may have permanent effects.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken plan B once in my life when the condom broke, and I hope to never have to take it again.. But it has no lasting effects on your reproductive system
I thought I’d read somewhere that multiple times could affect your reproductive system, but I’m probably wrong. I’m a CPA, not a gynecologist.
If you take it multiple times in a short time frame it can lower your fertility down the line. Source: Some girl told me this once and I like to repeat it as fact.
I have two kids. And we’re done. Another pregnancy scares the shit out of me.
Some of these people clearly have zero clue how much a child actually costs.
Currently day care is $3k a month. Three. Fucking. Grand. That’s a Lamborghini payment.
I’m 13 weeks with twins and this is terrifying. (Although pre pregnancy I was a nanny and that’s actually fairly reasonable for child care. But it’s way different when it’s money leaving your account instead of your paycheck.)
It’s for two kids, kinda; $600/wk for a nanny and ~$500/mo for part time private kindergarten (plus she goes to public kindergarten the other part of the day). Next year it will be more like $1500/mo and I can’t believe how rich I’ll be.
Daycare is just one of the many expenses. Adding them on to your health, dental, vision insurance… diapers… clothes… food that they throw on the floor for the dog. It adds up quickly! 3k makes me want to cry. Maybe I’ll close up shop now before a #2 is possible.
Congrats on the twins! 🙂 Terrifying, exhausting, but soooo worth it!
Thank you!