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The year is 2013. It’s 8:30 p.m. I’m in a field outside of Atlanta, blackout drunk at my cousin’s wedding. I don’t know what I said or did, but I remember waking up the next morning being unable to tell whether I actually passed out in a field or if it was just a dream. To this day, it’s still a mystery. I don’t know what else went down in that field. I’m sure it was nothing flattering or particularly intelligent, and maybe I should have been embarrassed by it. In fact, the only thing I’m proud of from that weekend (aside from my cousin getting married) was using my 15 minutes of free Wifi on the plane ride home to pick up Devonta Freeman, who went on to put up more than 45 fantasy points before we landed.
That was the first wedding I had ever gone to, and years would pass until the next one. As embarrassed as I was, the thought that echoed in my head was that, well, that’s just what you do at weddings. You get hammered drunk and enjoy free booze, courtesy of the bride and groom. The idea that there might actually be more to weddings than just drinking and spacing out through a ceremony was foreign, something far down the road that I wasn’t capable of comprehending yet.
Then, one of my best friends from college got engaged and I came to a shocking realization: I don’t know shit about weddings.
It didn’t all hit me at once. It started with a friend asking her friends to be bridesmaids by presenting them with gifts. I remember turning to my friend Andrew at and asking why Kelly had come to a tailgate with bright pink gift the size of a shoebox. “Oh,” he replied, “She’s gonna ask Hillary to be a bridesmaid.” I nodded along, thinking of how inconvenient it would be to have to carry around this shoebox for the rest of the day.
I think what trips me up about weddings are the traditions. There are just so dang many of them, I can’t keep track. I didn’t know that the garter toss was a thing until August of last year. I always thought it was just a cutesy thing where the guy slips the garter off and fires it blindly into the reception area. Never did I imagine that he would be launching it into all the single men at the wedding.
As bummed as I am that I haven’t been asked to be a groomsman yet, I’m honestly a little bit terrified for the honor. My worst case scenario is that I’m a groomsman for the first time with a bunch of other dudes who have done this before. I’m sure there are plenty of “what to expect when you’re expecting to be asked to be a groomsman” guides online, but I don’t want to ask for help. To me, this should be a straightforward thing, but is it? Do I have to buy my tux to match everyone else’s? Do I still have to RSVP? Can I bring a date? What happens if I don’t get along with any of the bridesmaids?
Also, is it common for weddings to end at, like, 9:00? Because the last few that I went to ended up with my friends and I drinking in hotel rooms at 10:30, scouring Yelp for any suggestions of nightlife. I was talking to my roommate about a wedding she went to earlier and she made a comment about how she didn’t leave until around midnight. Based on my limited experience, that seems like an outlier. A fun outlier, but an outlier nonetheless.
In fairness, I can’t think of a reason as to why I would know any of this. In fact, I feel like this kind of stuff isn’t common knowledge until you get to your twenties, and then suddenly everyone knows it. I have two theories as to why this might be. The first is that nobody knows it until someone they know gets engaged, and then they take the initiative to look it up so that they can be prepared and help out the people who ask questions. The second is that nobody knows it until they’re asked to be a part of the wedding, and they have to ask someone who studied up for help.
Either way, thank god it doesn’t look like I have any weddings coming up on the horizon because I am definitely in that second group. .
For more of Charlie, check out his appearance with Jenna Crowley and JR Hickey on Don’t Take It From Us this week where he discusses bridezillas, dating profiles and pooping in front of your significant other! Check it out below:
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Alright I gotchu. Keep this handy for when you’re obligated to be in a wedding.
Steps to being a groomsman.
1.) Do what ever the Groom says. This instruction came directly from the Bride, who’s in charge.
2.) Show up on time to events, especially the wedding.
3.) Go on the bachelor party.
Thats it.
Don’t be visibly drunk until after the rehearsal and wedding ceremony.
To go along with #2, be ready and willing to go along with the whole process – pictures, waiting to make the entrance into the reception, etc. It’s the bride’s day. Don’t be a degenerate until the dancing starts.
Once got a call at 5:05 from the groom informing me the rehearsal started at 5. one hour of rush hour traffic later, right as i pulled into the church parking lot, the groom texted that they had left for the rehearsal dinner resturant. Due to traffic i was late to that too. The groom had conveniently forgot to mention to the bride that he forgot to tell any of the groomsmen about the rehearsal, so she was a little upset with a few groomsmen, to say the least. So can confirm, showing up on time is very important.
What kind of wedding ends at 9pm???
I don’t know what’s worse, this, or when people get married at 2 and the reception doesn’t start until 6/7.
Especially when those people don’t provide open bar! I immediately wanted to dig into the card box, pull out my envelope, and take back half the cash
Unfortunately fairly common in my area. Church won’t do wedding at any other time than 1 p.m., reception venues won’t let guests in until at least 5 p.m.
Easy solution: Don’t get married in a church
Yeah, because not getting married in a church is a compromise a couple should make out of respect for their guest’s reception preferences.
In most cases getting married in a church is already a compromise by the couple to appease a parent or grandparent, but that’s neither here nor there.
Honestly though, the ceremony is about the couple (read: bride), but the reception, including its convenience, is about the guests.
This comment is wrong on so many levels
I’m pretty sure men don’t know shit about weddings till it’s their own, whereas women start obsessing over details when they’re six. You’re not alone.
Speak for yourself.
To be fair you’ve got a bit too much of Girl in you to fall into “all men”
Roasted.
Was at a wedding in Iowa back in 2016. It ended around 9 PM because most people had to go home to feed their cattle. Yup that’s Iowa.
I’m getting married in April and have been engaged for a year and a half and I still don’t know anything about weddings. I know I can’t be late though.
Any postgrad male attending a wedding should make it a point to find the father of the bride, introduce yourself, and thank him for hosting. It’s what a DCO true player for real would do. As a bonus, when you’re out making a fool of yourself on the dance floor later, he’ll be more likely to view you as a fun guy than his new son-in-law’s freeloading drunk friend.
Ask questions if you’re confused. It’s better to ask a question you think is dumb, (i.e. can I bring a date? It should be on your invite). Better to ask than assume. Other tip, anticipate issues. Trying to get 5-9 guys to the same place on time while some are getting drunk, anticipate the problems and help solve them. Help reduce stress on your buddies wedding day, because they’ll return it 10 fold on yours.
Source: am married. Have friends who solved problems without asking a million questions day of.
Never understood the confusion around the “can I bring a date” question. If your invitation doesn’t indicate that you bring a guest (e.g. Mr. Tim Riggins & Guest), then don’t bring a guest. A lot of people don’t understand that the average cost per head at a wedding can exceed $100 ($25 on alcohol; $65 food (H’Ds incl); $10 dessert), without factoring in any fixed costs into that equation. Not to mention the planning that surrounds table arrangements.
It’s a huge presumption to assume you can have a date. Typically the “& Guest” status is reserved for wedding party, engaged/married couples, kids if you go that route, or other one-off situations that aren’t material for discussion.
I’m 25 and haven’t been to a church wedding before, but have 4 lined up for 2018. What’s the play between the ceremony and the reception? Is it kosher to hit a bar to kill time in the afternoon before the reception (especially for a fall wedding during college football season)
Absolutely.
It’s actually the only play.
Pray they aren’t destination weddings.
Charlie, weddings are a sham. That is all you need to know. Let me spend at minimum like $25,000 so my friends and twice removed aunt can drink all night for free? Hard pass. Destination wedding.
Agreed on most of this. I get the whole open bar thing but I’m not going to fund my friends and people I hardly know to get drunk on my wedding night. Probably an unpopular opinion but I’m not trying to foot a $5000 bar tab. Open bar for 2 hours then cash bar the rest of the night. Can’t afford it? Don’t buy any more.