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I’m changing it up this week. Instead of the standard “Would You Rather?” questions I’ve been asking, today I’m going to be a little more open-ended. While a Would You Rather shows who you are in the worst circumstances, this week’s question shows who you are in the best circumstances. And it’s a classic we all know and love.
If you came across a genie that could grant you three wishes, what would they be?
Now, before I dive into the correct (my) answers to this question, let’s clear up the rules. In case it’s been awhile since you’ve watched Aladdin, let me refresh your memory on what you can and can’t wish for.
Rule 1: No wishing for more wishes.
Come on. You thought you could get away with that? Oldest trick in the book, my friend, and the genie don’t play like that. Don’t even try to find a loophole.
Rule 2: No wishing for someone to fall in love with you.
The genie can’t do that, and frankly, it’s a little rapey. Best just to steer clear of this one.
Rule 3: No wishing for someone to die.
Apparently, that’s where genies draw the line. I guess you can wish for them to get some horrible debilitating illness instead if you really hate someone.
Rule 4: No wishing to bring someone back to life.
This is the biggest bummer, but I guess genies can only do so much.
Alright, now that we’ve got all the rules down, it’s time to make some wishes. It wasn’t too hard to come up with mine, since this is not the first time I’ve thought of this hypothetical. If you don’t know what your wishes are at all times, you don’t deserve to find a genie. Here we go.
1. I wish to revert back to my health at 18 years old and stay that way forever.
Getting older sucks. I turn 27 next week, but my body is already several decades older. Years of playing sports with no stretching and disregarding all physical therapists advice on how to handle my injuries has left me battered and aching. time to turn back the clock ten years, and let me relive my most athletic days – forever.
This would also prevent me from getting diseases or injuries for the rest of my life, and, most importantly, my liver would stay 18 years old forever. I would live well into my hundreds, and look and feel great for every one of those years. Sure, I could have chosen to look and feel like an Olympian athlete or Ryan Reynolds, but to be honest, I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got. No need to get greedy.
2. I wish to have the ability to teleport.
Wish number two was harder than the first one. Did I want to go with the predictable and wish to win the lottery? I don’t know, guys. It kind of seems like it would cause more problems than it would solve. Sure, it would give me the freedom to travel the world and help people, but it would also make me feel trapped. I don’t especially like working, but I don’t want to feel like I can’t work, either. And make no mistake, if I had no financial reason to work, I wouldn’t be able to make myself do it. I love my job, but if I could quit at any time, I wouldn’t last a week. I love the idea of running my own company, or becoming an investor, or creating a charity that combats systemic poverty, but as awesome as all of that would be, it sounds like a lot of work. Do I have the willpower and motivation to work my ass off when I don’t have to? No. No, I do not. Winning the lottery would just end in an empty life filled with half-finished projects and passions, or more likely, a questionable death in a Las Vegas penthouse before my thirtieth birthday. No thanks.
On the other hand, being able to teleport gives me the freedom to travel the world with no financial or time restrictions, which is what I would really enjoy about being rich. I’d have lunch in Milan, dinner in Hong-Kong, and hit the clubs in Berlin. And best of all, I could just teleport home to my own bed every night. The perfect life.
3. I wish for internet fame.
I thought long and hard about this one. Do I save my third wish to have in case of an emergency? Do I wish for happiness for all my friends and family? Do I wish for world peace, or to eliminate starvation, or for Donald Trump to have never existed? No. As great as all of those would be for me and the world, I think I’d rather just be famous. But not, like, movie star famous. That sounds exhausting. More like “a million followers” famous. I want some people to know who I am, but not everyone. And more than anything, I want to be able to talk shit about Comcast on Twitter and get 131.2K retweets instead of four. That’s the dream.
Now that you know the right answers, feel free to tell me your wrong ones in the comments. What would your three wishes be? .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Let me play you a tune from the world’s smallest violin, Nick.
– A guy turning 30 next week
1. Bank account that never ran out of money
2. To be in incredible shape without have to workout/diet
3. Almanac that told me the political outcome of every election, however with GOT-style rules where “the ink is dry” and my intervention would not affect the outcome.
Upon review with council, I’d like to amend #1 to state that my bank account would always have the money in it to cover any and all of my transactions.
1) A Billy dollars
2) teleporting sounds dope I’ll go with that
3) my dog lives forever
Co-sign to this, except I’d ask for a bank account that never reached $0.
But your bank account could get down to $.01 by the parameters of this wish.
Yeah, enjoy paying things a penny at a time.
Wish that you always had exactly as much money as you need in your account.
1. I automatically get $100k a month in my back account, this increases with inflation for the rest of my life
2. I wish to be in great shape without having to watch my diet or go to the gym regularly
3. I wish that global poverty would end. Everybody is able to at least meet their basic needs
1. Win the lottery
2. Ability to eat without getting full or fat
3. Never get tired
Ability to eat without getting fat is an A+ wish.
Co-sign
Happiness.
Health.
Money.
1) Control time. Freezing it would be dope, because I could go to a movie, take a bathroom break and wouldn’t miss anything. Also this basically gives you teleporting powers.
2) Age at a variable rate I control. Fuck living forever, but I’d rush through my 90s and enjoy the rest of my 20s.
3) I guess a working solution to reverse pollution and permanently fix the damage now and in the future? This was gonna be a sports almanac with every sporting result for 500 years, but I can just watch the game, go back in time and then bet.
1. Ability to time travel. Dinosaurs and gambling.
2. Healing powers like Wolverine.
3. Log cabin on a lake.
Wish 1. More genie lamps
Suck it genies, I found your loophole
Your one genie now has multiple homes and it’s harder to figure out which one he’s in. Don’t try and play the genie.
Nick- Would you be able to teleport people with you? If not then as cool as it would be to never sit in traffic again it could be a bummer that you’d have to travel alone unless you did it the old fashioned way
I’m thinking I can teleport people by holding on to them. Maybe teleport a car Jumper-style once I get good at my powers.
Drunk teleportation also seems dangerous, so those clubs in Berlin might need to be followed by a bed & breakfast