======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Life after undergrad is wrought with struggles. Gone are the precious days of sleeping until noon, which have instead been replaced by painful 6 a.m. wake-up calls. Dining Dollars and meal plans have disappeared into the distance, bringing in exchange, an endless cycle of optimistic Sunday grocery shopping followed by refrigerators full of rotting produce and leftover Postmates deliveries. We slowly have to come to terms with the fact that there is usually a lot of month leftover at the end of our paychecks, and calling mom for a bank account re-up is not the move. Every day is a relentless pursuit of stability that’s sprinkled with obstacles, confusion, and overdraft charges.
Thankfully, in the midst of all this chaos, we still have our friends. Our pals. Confidantes. The people we reach out to for support with an, “Okay, I just need to bitch for a second,” text. Our first three likes on a risky Instagram post. The buddies you call when your ex gets engaged and it feels like a gut-punch. The crew you tell about a promising new love-interest. These folks are a key component to our survival.
But these years and careers come at a cost. Close friends start taking jobs and chasing their dreams in new directions and new locations. College buddies start moving cross-country with their significant others, settling down hundreds or thousands of miles away. Group texts and the occasional FaceTime have to take the place of those hungover Saturday mornings, laughing with mascara smeared on your face, and a half-eaten Jimmy John’s Beach Club on your nightstand. Direct-messaging meme posts on Instagram have become the new, “Hey buddy. I’m thinking about you.”
Friendship from a distance is challenging. It requires effort and intention on both ends. As I’ve grown further and further from my college years, my friendship-circle has drastically dwindled in number. The majority of relationships I made during undergrad have been reduced to double-taps on the ‘gram, “Lmao, you wild!!!!”’s on Snapchat, and the occasional “HBD” Facebook post. Keeping my important friendships alive is a job within itself. Road trips have to be made. Vacation days have to be taken to make those Bachelorette parties and weddings. Inappropriate birthday cards need to be sent. Listening ears need to be lent. At the very least, weekly contact and a dedication to remaining “in the loop” on friends’ lives and updates is necessary to keeping the spark alive.
The strongest and toughest may survive, however, and I’ve still got a great crew of people I consider my best friends, all across the country. Most of my closest friends live hours, or even states, away. I try really hard to stay up-to-date on what they’re doing, cheer them on from afar, and be a person they can lean on when things go south. Unfortunately, being human, I still need to have some on-location pals. After all, it’s hard to brunch alone. This is where things get tricky.
Adult friendships. What a weird, uncomfortable, and humbling experience. Making new friends as a grown-up is harder than it looks. For some, meeting new people is the challenge. For others, like me, connecting to those new people is the true battle.
I meet new people all the time. I have no problem talking to strangers or mingling with a mutual friend’s group of buddies. In fact, most people who know me would probably say that I could talk to a brick wall. Despite this superpower, the issue for me is that these relationships are (usually) overwhelmingly shallow. I’m not referring to those people you are introduced to at bars or networking events, and never see again. I’m referring to the people you consistently hang out with, or around. Your work friends. Your weekend friends. How well do you really know them?
It takes a lot of effort to create a genuine friendship. Do you know your new friends’ ages? Birthday months? If they have siblings? Where they’re from? What’s important to them? There are so many bits of information that are important in understanding and connecting with a person. I like to know these things about the people I spend time with, but making this work as an adult has proven to be difficult. Where do you even begin?
Your best friends know you the best – that’s why they’re called ‘best friends.’ It’s easy to forget all of the history and vulnerability that exists between these types of friends. Your best buddies know all about your embarrassing high school senior photos where you wore that fedora. They know your questionable taste in men and the names of your ex-boyfriends. That one time you drunkenly stumbled and busted your forehead directly on the concrete, trying to protect your new designer purse from the impact. They also know about the time you made that big mistake at work and had a breakdown in the bathroom. It takes time, interest, and effort, to nurture these kinds of relationships. It takes a lot of back-and-forth. It’s not like you meet a new potential friend at someone’s dinner party and immediately launch into your entire life’s backstory in an effort to create a foundation.
Many adult friendships revolve around the same few things. Happy hours, television shows, social media, and sports. These topics are easy enough to connect over but terribly unimportant in the big scheme of things. In a postgrad world where lessons are learned through failures, and improvements are made through challenges, we need squads who can back us up when shit goes sideways. So, next time you’re out with those new, on-location buddies, make an attempt to tune-in. Go old-school and play a game of 20 questions. Do more listening than talking. You never know; the Garth to your Wayne might just be sitting across from you. .
Respond
@taylordoestweet
@itsthestovallshow
sexychocolate
Man this hits the feels. This has been a 6 year struggle for me. My wife got lucky and had college friends move to Houston and made quick friends with her coworkers. I however had one close friend move here after college and the average age at my job is 45 so I have no luck there. Problem is my wife (no blame to her) wants no part in making new friends seeing as she’s set. I’ve met a few cool people here and here but when you’re married and most people our age are in serious relationships or married, it’s hard to be a solo guy looking for friends. Now I’m done venting with no real point to this comment…have a blessed day y’all.
I’ve met most of my post grad friends through our country club. The membership is on average much older, but the younger guys like myself share in the same interests like getting away from our spouses and responsibilities for 4-6 hour increments a few times a week, drinking domestic light cans in bulk, and checking out the pool scenery from 10 tee. It’s went from bimonthly Sunday game to quarterly trips to Dirty Myrtle and never wondering who’s coming over for the cookouts and big sporting events.
Well damn that’s great advice. Except for the two clubs near us cost about 2x my salary in member dues and I don’t think the wife would approve
19th, besides golfing do you enjoy other outdoor activities like say…hunting, fishing, hiking, kayaking, uhhhh anything you can do in state parks?
If you are you should check out a group called Stewards of the Wild, also one of the sponsors is silver eagle so all the bar tabs are paid for
Just checked out Stewards, you may have just added a new member. I’m a Houstonian (live close to El T, 19th) and often cruise out to the Hill Country for some kayak camping. Looks like a great organization.
Can you translate this?
My husband has made friends through golf and tennis at our club too. I don’t play either sport so I’m SOL there. We are having babies this summer so I hope that gives me my in with the mommy crowd at the club because I need someone to hang out with at the pool while my husband is golfing.
I’ll be your friend, can’t promise I won’t hit you with a chair shot when you’re not looking though. In all seriousness, I live in Houston and work in an office where most of my co workers are older too. While I do have 3 college friends here in town the struggle is still real. Hang in there.
Is it time to fire up the Houston TX GroupMe?!?!
I’ve been waiting for this moment for months.
I’ve never used groupme but if someone can throw out the deets of how to join for whatever I’m all in for some Screwston shenanigans
Will shoot you an email
Me too please!! this is what I’ve been waiting for
Check the reddit for the link — can’t post it here or it will be stuck in moderation purgatory.
Check the Reddit
I’m for it. Always up for an excuse to HH
I’m moving to Houston if this takes off
It’s Space City, you know it’s taking off
groupme. com/join_group/37065380/ GWvJ6I
remove the spaces before com and after the last slash
Ouch 19th. We get full privileges and discounts on food and bev, and in pro shop for $135 a month. Only catch is, it’s in the middle of nowhere. T&P’s your game finds an affordable home.
It allows me to set big goals, but for now I’m stuck with my 45 minute drive to a course that’s under $100. All worth it, golf is the best
Where is this paradise you speak of
We need to get a college football Day watch squad in houston. My running mate for afternoon games moved to Austin.
Hotel Zaza pool cabanas have TVS. Just sayin
19th, you seem like a pretty cool internet dude. I’d be happy to drink some beers and/or play some (bad) golf with you if you aren’t ever in Austin.
Invite me to El T one time, good sir!
I’m waiting on RollTide to email me with group me info. El T is the first order of business. Followed by planning a hurricane drinking plan for this summer.
There could be plenty of El T in all of our futures if we get the groupme going.
It’s difficult for me to make friends since I spend all my time on the toilet.
Dad?
Basically, once everyone gets married and becomes more uninteresting as a unit than they were before as individuals, the only thing left to do socially is go out to eat periodically and talk about things from one viewpoint with almost no context or depth..and then they multiply and the same cycle continues until a demented psycho becomes president because he said the words “lower taxes” together in a sentence and then those same people freak out about immigrants taking their jobs when in reality, software algorithms are taking their jobs while also not realizing that if someone who is trying to have a better life and afford basic things is qualified to do their job immediately upon arrival, then they have more obvious problems to worry about lol
Neirbo 2020
The time commitment required to establish new friendships is massive and there’s simply not enough time in adulthood for that. In high school or college, you’d be with these people for dozens of hours a week and experienced lots of similar things. As an adult, between work, errands, family, significant other, your own time, you have what…5 hours a week to possible dedicate to establishing a new relationship? It’s simply not enough.
My best friend is back home for a bit after graduating law school in another state, but he’s studying for next month’s bar. I haven’t seen him in a few months and will be lucky if I see him once or twice over the next month because his and my schedule are so packed. If it’s this hard to hang out with someone I’ve known since I was 14, how can I properly dedicate the time to build new friendships with people that I don’t yet know?
I’m in the same boat as your friend (just graduated pharm school and studying for boards). It’s hard to reintegrate after essentially being absent for the past 4 years. Add in marriage, kids, work and there’s hardly any time to just hang out like the good old days.
You throw in the time constraint as well as the “creepy” stigma I think people get stuck with when they approach people simply looking for a friendship.
This is something that I’ve found pretty tough too. Some things that have helped have been getting involved with my city’s alumni club or joining groups for my hobbies, such as a wind ensemble. While making the next-level connection is still difficult, you at least have common interests or experiences to get you over the initial awkward small talk phase.
Where did you find a wind ensemble with other people under 60?
Surprisingly, the community band I joined in my hometown my first year had a few 30 somethings in it. There’s still a lot of 60-something’s, but the local bar association also has an orchestra that has at least a few 20s and 30s players. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed community orchestras have younger people on average than wind ensembles.
Making adult friends via acquaintances is awkward and confusing. Sure we’ve hit the bars a few times, went drink for drink at that one happy hour, and spent Amber’s birthday brunch housing mimosas in tandem but are we actually friends? Or just two people with mutual alcoholism?
Thought I made a great group of friends but it turned out to be people with mutual alcoholism, which I realized when I cut back on drinking, and stopped getting invited to things.
This is all too real for me currently. 3 years ago, I moved for my current job 6 hours from home and 3-6 hours from my friends from college. In that time I’ve made a few friendships as shallow as a puddle and one true friendship like I have with my lifelong and college buddies. But they have moved away. Branching out and doing rec league sports has put me in contact with others my age or in the same stage of life as me, but many are in serious relationships or are content with their group of friends. It also doesn’t help living in OK where many people marry young or right out of college and aren’t really looking to expand their friend circle to some guy they know only through softball.
Reporting live from Norman, OK. I feel you.
Oh cool. If you’re ever at Bleu Garten this summer, we’ll probably run into each other.
You guys have got to start hitting up Cock of the Walk.
I live right down the street from there but I’ve never been. I’ll have to check it out.
If you don’t mind hanging out with a bunch of Air Force people we have a pretty solid friend group in the Norman/OKC area, and yes there are actually girls in the group.
2 Things:
1. Join a rec league or something along those lines. When I moved to San Diego I joined a hockey league and instantly made friends. You already have 1 thing in common with those people so it’s easier to make conversation.
2. Please Bring back guys being dudes.
I recommend GroupMe, it has been a godsend to my college friend group. We’ve spread out across the country but not a day goes by where there’s not some activity on there. Plus, you can access it on your browser so it’s a great way to dick around at work.
As someone whose bounced around the ocean blue a bit GroupMe is a lifesaver for staying in touch. Spot on Mr. Schaeffer
This is invaluable insight, Taylor. Considering a move in a year away from the majority of my college friends for my career is terrifying. I’ll have some acquaintances in the new (potential) city, but always worry I won’t find a group to at least hang out with on the weekends and will turn into a depressed hermit.
I definitely feel the same way. Currently I live in the city where I grew up and went to college not too far from, so I have a good mix of high school and college friends that I regularly get to hang out with. Lately I’ve been getting an itch to move out west, but I’m worried that if I do it’ll be difficult to find a new group of friends while simultaneously losing my connection with the ones I have here
Do it. Gotta close the yearbook eventually.
I feel you on that. I’ve moved 4 times in the past 3 years for my job so trying to settle in, find a group of friends, and balance the work schedule is pretty tough. I’ve found that you can find some friends by getting involved with local sports leagues/intramurals or finding a decent dive bar and grill.
Very well written, can definitely relate. For me/others I know it really came down to the first roomates you have right out of college. If you’re lucky enough to do some research/not hate the people you spend almost every day with after the 9-5 it can lead to a whole group of extended friends. Always nice to have at least one “sort-of” friend in the area if its a move to a complete new place.