What Your New Year’s Eve Plans Say About You

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I’m not here to judge. Just get out there and do you, player. As long as you don’t drink and drive, or drive at all for that matter, you’ll be fine. Maybe. I mean, it can get pretty dirty out there. Have fun and be safe. Here’s what your plans say about you.

“Nothing Yet.”

You’re just so busy. We’re well into December and you just now realized you don’t have anything planned yet. You vaguely remember an email invite to some party, but you were balls deep in Q4 so you starred it and moved on. You’ve got time, but at this point, anything that requires a plane ticket or a hotel is probably out of the question. As you desperately fire off texts to any person you’ve had a drink with in the last 6 months, your friends are rolling their eyes at the thought of you being too busy to commit to something earlier because they’ve heard it all before.

There’s a better than zero chance that you’ll end up being the only single person at your married friends’ couples get together.

Nothing. Quite literally, You’re not doing shit.

You’ve reached the pinnacle of existence. It took you 5 years after college, but you finally realized that when your old man told you NYE was “amateur hour,” he was absolutely on point. Sure, there’s a small part of you that wants to be handed a plastic flute with 8 dollar champagne in it from a bartender, but there’s no way in hell you’re going to touch that surge pricing. Nah, you’re a grown man, or a grown woman, and you’ve earned a blackbelt in avoiding crowded bars.

What’s that night gonna look like? I know this move all too well. You’ll drop by the store and grab a steak. New York Strip is probably your go-to, but you may very well splurge on a Porterhouse. Seems excessive, I know, but it’s not like you’ll be leaving the house. You can afford to max-out on meat, and best case scenario is you slamming 3 glasses of wine with 18 ounces of top tier beef and passing out after what will very likely be a nice little Bama-Michigan State matchup.

You’re rolling into January 1, 2016 with a manageable hangover and a full belly. Things are looking good.

Downtown Hotel Party

You’ve used the term “banger” in the last 48 hours. You’re bringing home good money right out of college, or you just give off the vibe that you do. That’s fine. We’ve all been there. You know that every elite 25 to 34-year-old in town will there, and rubbing shoulders with important people is kind of your thing. You’re not just climbing the social ladder, you’re scaling it with reckless abandon.

Maybe this isn’t what you had in mind. I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that at least a quarter of the crowd at that 200 dollar black tie gala were dragged there against their will by a significant other. You’ll be there, posted up with 71 other people by the bar waiting for a drink, refreshing Twitter and checking the score of the Cotton Bowl. At least it’s top shelf.

Small Get Together With Close Friends

You’re that SOB that waited until the last minute. Now look at you. You’re at a house in the suburbs with 4 married couples, 3 kids, party hats, and no date. Hey, sometimes it’s good to checkout of the social scene for a bit and get back to your roots. After all, these are the people that really know you, and they’re nice enough to let you stay in the guest bed as long as you don’t soil it. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll catch a few randoms swinging by late-night after they bail on bar scene. It could happen. Didn’t Ryan’s younger sister swing by last year with some of her college friends? Yeah they did, but they bailed after 30 minutes when Mike’s wife yelled at you for doing fireworks while the kids were sleeping.

At least you’ll get to watch Seacrest?

The Bar, Any Bar

Another year, another mail-in. You’re a pragmatic young adult pushing 30, so the Rice Hotel is out of the question, but you just can’t fathom being alone on NYE because you know the blues will hit you hard. Luckily, you run with a gang of shoulder shrugging degenerates that just want to get after it like every other blue collar drinker out there. Sure, there’s a minimal cover at any bar worth going to, but you have to pay to play. 20 dollars < 150 dollars (that’s a real price, for a real party). Hopefully, you’re a savvy NYE veteran that is smart enough to bail and request an Uber at 1 a.m. Anything later will leave you on the sidewalk, completely hammered and helpless surrounded by depressed singles and sloppy one night stands. It’s worth it just so you don’t have to tell your coworkers that you stayed home.

Wedding

Depending on how you look at it, you’ve either got some clutch friends or some self-absorbed assholes. It’s well established that planning your NYE is right up there with filing your taxes and drafting cover letters as monumental beatings that will plague us into eternity, so catching an invite to a NYE wedding should be viewed as a godsend. It’s bold as hell to tie the knot on what popular culture views as a worldwide night for bangers, so you probably have dope friends that do very dope things.

Open bar? Obviously. Martini bar? If they’re confident enough to make your NYE plans for you, then they’ll probably go all out for completely unnecessary expenditures like this. Because they’re cool. And that makes you, by proxy, cool. So you’ve got that going for you.

Alternatively, your friends could be that self-absorbed couple that doesn’t give a damn that making guests travel on NYE is completely tone-deaf. They didn’t choose a NYE wedding date because they thought they could throw a legendary party, they did it because it’s a great excuse to look and feel important and make everyone dress black tie. They just assumed none of their friends had anything better to do, and their type A personalities were not going to miss out on the chance to dictate everyone’s plans. If this rings true and you’re still attending, then you probably have no other options..

Image via Shutterstock

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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