What Your Morning Alarm Says About You


The monotony of your everyday life starts with an alarm. You don’t set an alarm? You are some kind of genetically advanced human if your internal clock is actually that impressive. For us mere mortals, our morning alarm notifies us that we were not actually sleeping with Alex Morgan, and shames us for thinking that our biweekly workouts would be enough to pull the hottest Olympian since Jennie Finch. What you use as an alarm defines you as a person. Let’s generalize and put people in categories that they don’t want to be in, shall we?

An Actual Alarm Clock


You old school cat, you! Congratulations on not moving along with the times, and reliving 6th grade. I am truly impressed with your dedication to live the simple life. I am also surprised that you managed to find the internet. Maybe your flip phone doesn’t have an alarm clock. I wouldn’t know, because I, like the rest of America, haven’t had a flip phone since before Steve Bartman was in witness protection. The early 2000’s were cool though, and thanks to you and all those kids who still use their families’ AOL email addresses, the tradition lives on.

A Generic Ringer


Your life is what it is. There is no need to wake up to something more exciting than the norm, because you are about to head into your normal ass job and do normal ass work. Your down to earth-ness is dually noted, but we all know you kill happy hour. It’s not about how you start; it’s how you finish. You get that. This guy gets it.

The Siren


As a child, your parents woke you up by throwing cold towels on your head, and you have never actually evolved into someone that can wake up. In college, you slept through a fire alarm and realized that this might be a serious problem. Since then you have gone to extreme measures to make sure you actually wake the fuck up. Thank God for this obnoxious tone, or else you would be virtually unemployable.

A Song Of Your Choosing


You thought it would be such a great idea to wake up to Blurred Lines and hear Pharrell say “everybody get up” as you rolled out of bed. You have swag. You’re the man. Until two weeks later when you want to personally punch Pharrell in the face for constantly telling you what to do every morning. I mean really, where does this guy get off? The song was supposed to represent the start of a great day in your great life, but instead now when you hear it you can only think about how at some point you are going to have to go to sleep and then wake up for work. The plan backfired a little.

The Smell of Bacon


Whoever is cooking you bacon to wake you up deserves a fucking medal. Your life is awesome. You’re awesome. I want you to email me and teach me your ways. I bow down to you. You win.

In all seriousness, waking up for work sucks, so who gives a shit how you do it? Unless it’s the bacon.

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