Let me kick this off by saying that these are in no particular order. This is not a ranking, but if a dude came to pick me up in any of the below cars, I would look like this:
This is just a nice compilation of your regular douche-mobiles that you should steer clear from if you are in the market for a new ride. If you happen to drive any of these, I’m not sorry. You should have known better.
Camaro or Dodge Charger
This guy totally peaked in high school. He lettered in three sports, had a D1 scholarship, but then got a DUI and ended up playing Junior College baseball. He now spends his time as the self-appointed captain of his kickball team and hates that he has to play sports with girls. Also dabbles in online gambling and is a regular at the neighborhood Hooters. He is a ghosting pro and only sleeps with girls he meets on Tinder. Total scumbag.
The guy with the Hummer only listens to like, Ludacris or Lil Wayne with all of the windows down and thinks he is a TOTAL badass. He isn’t. He also has a goatee, gets bottle service regularly, and thinks strippers like him for his personality. He probably wears a lot of man jewelry and has Mardi Gras beads hanging from his rear view mirror. No one needs a Hummer. No one. Hummers are basically the Guy Fieri of cars.
The Subaru guy probably goes on lots of hikes and definitely wears Chaco sandals. He is totally a wannabe outdoorsy guy with a bike rack for his $700 mountain bike that he has only ridden twice. He sympathizes with Lance Armstrong because “everybody was dirty” and still wears his yellow Livestrong bracelet. Only wears Patagonia and carries around a reusable water bottle at all times. Always says he wants to go camping but the thought of sleeping outside low key terrifies him. Total poser.
Definitely blares Sam Hunt and Florida Georgia Line while driving down the highway in his cut off tank top. Probably has a cross tattoo somewhere on his body even though he hasn’t been church since high school. Uses his oversized truck as a way to compensate for his anatomical shortcomings. Mixes all of his alcohol with Monster or Red Bull and says “bro” way more than is socially acceptable. Probably crushes beer cans on his head. He is a regular at the neighborhood GNC and you can catch him mixing protein powder with his morning coffee. Takes gym selfies. He spends every weekend on the lake in his white Oakleys on his friends boat but never gets in the water because it will mess up his spray tan.
These cars are just so embarrassing that I don’t even know what else to say. If a dancing hamster in a sweatsuit is the mascot, you shouldn’t buy it. Kia Soul Guy is kind of into EDM music but doesn’t really know anything about it. He’s a total music festival poser who spends all of his time and money trying to get into the scene but everyone there is making fun of him. Says “vibes” a lot. He saw The Chainsmokers on accident and now considers himself part of a “tribe.”
Could you not afford the car with four doors? I do not understand the appeal of a two-door car other than the fact that you probably never have to drive anywhere because none of your friends want to squeeze in the backseat of your weird, tiny car. The Two-Door Car Guy is definitely single and living alone in his overpriced downtown studio apartment. He has every dating app imaginable. He hangs out on his rooftop pool drinking vodka sodas all weekend and only shops at Whole Foods. Claims to loves live music but only has Top 40 on his playlists. Goes to brunch and gets a salad because he is on a detox, yet orders five bloodies and a carafe of mimosas.
(I once knew a guy with a 2-door Mazda and called it a “Mazdaratti” and that pretty much sums up coupe dudes.)
The Mini Cooper guy studied abroad in London and thought he would look super posh and sophisticated if he came back and bought this car. In reality, he is completely oblivious to the fact that everyone is questioning his sexuality. He is the guy who can’t fix anything around a house because he would get his perfectly manicured hands dirty. When trying to decide on where to go for a date he says, “a place with craft cocktails” and LOVES a great gastropub. He says “cheers!” before taking a single sip of his organic made-in-a-mason-jar cocktail. Adopted a big, masculine dog that barely fits in his mini, and he wishes it was a French Bulldog or a Scottish Terrier. Only goes to the trendiest restaurants then decides he hates them when he finds out they have more than one location. You will basically just be his beard.
Prius guy always travels with a hammock and a bottle of homemade kombucha. He doesn’t have cable and definitely posted an Instagram of him next to a tree on Earth Day. He prefers to be barefoot because he feels closer to nature that way. Drives for Uber. Constantly uses the phrase “carbon footprint” and only wears flip-flops. Cares way more about recycling than he should and insists that tofu “tastes just like chicken.” Has been on multiple yoga retreats. This guy is my worst nightmare, as I am his.
Ah, the Range Rover. This guy is the biggest douche on this list. He wants to put off the vibe that he’s making a lot of money even though his daddy probably gave him the down payment. He’s the guy from college that you hated but hung out with anyways because he paid for everything. The day he got the keys to his “Range” (he totally calls it that), he uploaded a triple filtered pic to Instagram with the caption “new wheels” because he needs everyone to know he can afford that car. Also complains that girls only like him for his money, yet only dates gold diggers because they’re the only girls who are willing to put up with him.
Honorable Mentions: Jeep Liberty, Ford Ranger, Mazda Miata, Ford Focus, any convertible, Honda Element, Fiat .
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