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Hello, hello, hello everyone. I hope you’re all have a wonderful start to 2018. I know I did. You see, I spent my New Year’s Eve in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It was in the high 70s, low 80s, with not a cloud in the sky the entire time I was there. Sure, I got food poisoning within the first 24 hours of being there and spent a lot of time puking and shitting my brains out, but at least I was puking and shitting my brains out in Mexico, right?
Anyway, with weak stomach comes weak drinking abilities, so in between taking pictures like this one and running to the bathroom, I took some time to pay attention to people other than myself. Not by doing anything thoughtful or fulfilling, but by people watching.
I don’t know if y’all realize this or not, but there’s a wide variety of beverages that you can drink on the beach. Here are some of my thoughts on what statement you’re making by drinking them.
Margaritas (ordered to your seat)
Whether they’re frozen or on ice, if you’re ordering a marg to your seat, you’re one chill mother fucker. You’re going with the flow on that beach, whether that means hitting up the cantina later or jumping on the boogie board to impress the ladies. You might hiccup and accidentally barf in the water a little bit, but we’ll all look the other way and laugh about it later.
Margaritas (pre-made)
It all depends on how strong they are, but at the end of the day, if you’re making your own margs and taking them to the beach in a Yeti or something, that’s a chill move, and ultimately pretty fiscally responsible. That being said, you’re either a college student or definitely aren’t planning on driving later because, let’s be real, those drinks are going to be strong as fuck.
Any other tropical drink that is not a margarita
Miami Vice. Sex On The Beach. Hurricane. Pina Colada. What do they all have in common? They’re photogenic, and they’re high in sugar and syrup and juice. You don’t care what you’re going to be looking like later, you don’t care about how you’re going to feel tomorrow, but damn it, you’re going to fire off a sweet, sweet gram of these babies.
Domestic Light Beer (Bud Light, Miller Light, etc.)
You’re in one of a few groups with this one. You’re either in college and trying to get hammered, or you’re a college grad who is trying to catch a solid buzz and ride that baby out through the rest of the day. Both of these groups will have country music playing in the background. Despite my dislike toward that genre, I fully support both of these options.
Mexican Beer (Corona, Dos Equis, etc.)
Ooh baby, it’s party time. You’ve been ready to find your beach all week, and once you step foot on the sand you’re making an effort to be the most chill person out there. Maybe you’ll play some volleyball or do that thing where you “accidentally” throw the football too far and it lands right by a group of girls. The point is, you have every intention of living your beach trip out like a beer commercial.
Craft Beer
Y—yeah I mean, that’s your call, but, like…why? It’s so heavy, it’s just going to weigh you down. Why would you do that?
Gin and Tonic
Not exactly a great beach drink, but a good warm weather drink nonetheless. You probably don’t hang out at beaches very often, and that’s okay! Crack open a book or tell us all about the podcast you just listened to. We genuinely won’t mind.
Vodka Red Bull
Oh god. You’re on a mission, treating our chill as fuck beach day as though it were your first ever college spring break. You love the beach, but you don’t get out to it nearly as often as you would like to, so you’re trying to celebrate it in the only way you know how: by getting drunk as hell and trying to convince people that you’re seriously not even that drunk.
Old Fashioned
On a beach? Fucking psycho.
Tequila Shots
There’s a fine line with tequila shots on a beach. If you do one or two at the end of the day, it’s a great way to pivot into a night out (most often done by the domestic light beer drinkers). But if you’re ripping tequila shots throughout the day, you’ve probably got something that you need to talk about before you projectile vomit all over the police officer coming over to tell us that no alcohol is allowed on the beach.
Vodka Soda
You’re on a health kick, and you’re not going to let this day at the beach stop you. Be careful though, this is a slippery slope that leads to your friends saying things like, “Okay, let’s get you some water, buddy,” or “Hey sweetie, maybe we don’t pee in the alley during broad daylight.”
Water
You know, it’s the responsible choice and I respect that. You’re probably hungover or saving yourself for later. .
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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I can’t imagine drinking anything on the beach other than a mic ultra or a corona light.
Corona light is trash
Beer until about 4pm then switch to margaritas or ranch waters. Only way to go.
Name checks out
Love this move
*Mexican beer
You forgot to specifically mention one……
The thought of housing about 12 coors lights at the beach has completely killed my productivity for the rest of the day.
Call me out if you want but daiquiris by the pool has always been my go to
Couple daiquiris, then transitioning to a domestic light beer has always been an underrated move
I fully support this until the sun goes down. After that, brown liquor.
These are all incredibly accurate.
So if you’re trying to get really fucked up, you gotta go for the Loaded Corona: take a Corona bottle, drink the neck, then fill it with Barcardi Limon. It tastes just like a regular Corona with lime, and gets you drunk three times as fast.
what’s up with all the grandex writers vacationing in Mexico? I’m clearly in the wrong line of work
Unsure how his was booked, but look at Apple Vacations. Going to Mexico and some other places isn’t as much as you’d think.
I booked with CheapCaribbean.com last year for 5 nights all-inclusive in Jamaica over Xmas. I think that’s an Apple Vacation subsidiary. It was only twice as expensive as visiting family in Cleveland. Well worth not being in Cleveland weather.
We used cheap Caribbean for our honeymoon. Super reasonable. 6 nights all inclusive with air to Dominican for like $1600 total. 4 star resort so it was good enough for the new Mrs. Hambino
Vin Diesel was a Corona guy. If it’s good enough for him, it’s sure as hell good enough for me.
And by Vin Diesel I strictly mean Dominic Toretto
You can have any beer you want, as long as it’s a Corona
This is so basic but everyone I know gets Whiteclaw or those other sparkling water/alcohol things and puts fruit in them for the pool or beach. Buzz and a snack, and it’s refreshing af.
these are at the top of my list