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If ten days in Europe with my girlfriend followed by a four-day family reunion has taught me anything, it’s that everybody poops. Everybody. Even if they’re really good at hiding it, they do it. It’s totally normal! Once you accept this fact, it makes day to day life much more comfortable.
But now that the question of “does that person poop?” is answered, it raises another question. It’s actually something that PGP’s own Jenna Crowley and I were talking about last week. A solid deuce can take up a good 5-10 minutes of your time. What are people doing when they squeeze one out? And what does that say about them? I’ve done some investigating and I think I’ve found the answers.
Dating Apps
You’re an average, single millennial. You like judging people and want to use your time on the crapper to do so. This is par for the course, especially in this day and age.
Magazines
Chances are, you forgot your phone and reached for the first thing in sight. However, if that’s not the case then my question is where are you pooping that has magazines readily available? I would assume at your parents’ house because every apartment I’ve been to in Chicago has not had anything to read. Then again, if you’re bringing a magazine to the bathroom with you, then you’re pretty much declaring to the world that you’re going to be in there for a minute.
Blogs
If you open up a blog post while you’re on the pot, chances are you’re going to be there for a while. Now, that’s not to say you’re actually going to be doing the duty during that time, but maybe you were scrolling through Twitter and a headline caught your eye. Now you’ve got another 3-5 minutes on your porcelain throne, and you’re okay with that.
Instagram/Twitter
This also falls in with the millennial generation. Twitter and Instagram are par for the course when it comes to bathroom apps. Purely a distraction from last night’s Chipotle destroying your asshole.
You’re probably just outside of the millennial generation and don’t care too much for social media. Frankly, you’re probably only on Facebook to be able to say that you’re not totally out of the loop with today’s trends.
Emails
I have two scenarios here. The first is that you probably think pretty highly of yourself if you can’t take 5 minutes away from work to take a shit. The second is that you actually hate your job and are applying elsewhere, but don’t want to use your work email as contact information and want to see if other companies have gotten back to you yet.
Drugs
Oh…oh no.
Nothing
Alright, psycho. So you’re just not even going to try? How can you be so in the zone to walk in and just stare straight ahead while answering nature’s call? Yeesh.
Plan something (like, your work out, or your calendar, or your weekend)
You’re probably actually important. Chances are, the reason you’re doing this is that you’re so busy with actual work or life events that you don’t have spare time to plan things, so you take the five minutes in the bathroom to whip something together really fast.
Listen to music
Well, it depends. Do you have headphones on? If so, you’re probably listening to a new album, something so good you can’t put it down. Kids See Ghosts, perhaps. However, if you don’t have headphones on, most people might think you’re inconsiderate. Not me. I argue that you’re very considerate. Maybe your office bathroom is in a high traffic area and you’re trying to cover up some unpleasant noises. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re on a European vacation with your girlfriend and the tapas did not sit well and the bathroom doesn’t have a fan and you’re trying to cover up the fact that you’re having violent diarrhea. Just maybe.
Puzzles
Aww! Are you doing puzzles in the bathroom? That’s a very old-fashioned thing to do! But then again, maybe you’re just an old-fashioned person. Maybe you like testing yourself, trying to knock out a Sudoku in the five minutes before your next meeting. Either way, someone has probably described you as “endearing” before. .
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
@therescharlie
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herescharlie
If by “nothing” you mean “stare blankly and have an existential crisis while barely able to sit upright” then yea that’s on par for Sunday mornings
If by Sunday morning you mean five minutes ago today then yes. Some of us are still hungover from Saturday.
I’m partial to winning fake arguments that will literally never happen, myself.
I don’t think anyone is more qualified to weigh in on this than me, seeing as I spend almost 7 hours on the toilet PER DAY. It’s kind of like a ballpoint pen that never runs out, just wiping and wiping and wiping, writing brown ink on a never ending scroll of toilet paper! (In all seriousness, I’m not sure why they keep posting articles about using the restroom… but anyways, have a great day everybody)
To be fair this one was practically tee’d up for you. Now go back to TFM. Have a great day.
Is crying not an option? Asking for a co worker
Question, does reading PGP on the shitter count as a psycho move?
I exclusively read PGP on the shitter
Good, because I exclusively write PGP on the shitter
Life imitating art
Same
I quite literally shit and get off the pot. I’ve never had the desire to linger longer than needed in the dirtiest room in the building.
You’re missing out on some valuable PTO. Folks, only take your shits at work, during business hours. If you take a ~20 minute shit everyday for a year, that’s an extra 2.5 weeks of paid vacation. Don’t forget, time is money so you might as well get paid to shit lol
I never understood people who avoid pooping at work. If you’re not getting paid for taking a break then you’re not working the system to the fullest. Preach Nived
I don’t avoid going at work. Do it all the time. I just don’t hang out where other people shit and do god knows what else.
Amen
Exactly. How much time are you all spending pooping? Unless I’ve got an upset stomach this is generally a 90 second ordeal at most.
I’m on a poopcation right now. Glorious.
Y’all. Don’t pick-up magazines that you find in community/shared space bathrooms. Everyone before you handled their junk right before they picked up that magazine, then they held that magazine a couple of feet (straight line distance) away from their own butthole while they dropped a deuce. Also, it is sitting in a room literally swimming with bacteria and God knows what else. Just don’t.
Do y’all fold or scrunch your toilet paper?
Fold. If you scrunch you’re an insane person or a child.
I remember a mythbusters back in the day that determined you get more germs on your hand if you scrunch. I’ve been a fold man ever since.
Roll and press. Perfect folds every time. Is it extra work? Yes. But if your own ass doesn’t deserve extra care who does?
I scrunch it. Follow-up question: how many wipes (on average) does it take for you to clear the deck?
Am millennial, can confirm that 90% of my swiping on dating apps is from the shitter
I honestly can’t get over the fact that you were able to take off 3 weeks for vacation… T’s & P’s for the post-vacation anxiety that will hit you once you get back to the office.
Confused at no explanation for “punch the clown”.
I read PGP on the toilet. Am in fact currently on the toilet.