What Kind of Insane Person Complains About Air Conditioning?

What Kind of Insane Person Complains About Air Conditioning?

It’s that time of year. It’s hot. The A/C is running all day. Underwear is optional. And of course, the outrage wing of the internet begins complaining about the greatest invention of the last 1000 years. The evil, passive-aggressive tool the Patriarchy™ loves unleashing on poor, unsuspecting people in the workplace. That’s right. I’m talking about air conditioning.

And it is absolutely crazy town.

I don’t even know where to begin. This is like complaining that your airplane flew too fast or your OLED TV was too awesome. Complaining about buildings being too cold in the summer shows an insane lack of perspective on human history.

You know what used to happen in the summer? People used to just keel over and die from the heat. They’d literally just die right there in the street. Ask your parents and grandparents what life used to be like pre-AC. I bet it was awesome, right? No sexist buildings ready to attack you with their cool, refreshing air. Wrong. Dead wrong. “Yeah, you know little Jimmy down Mulberry St.? He died. Kid just straight up died selling lemonade on that there corner. That’s just life in 1954. RIP Jimmy.”

And if the little Jimmies of the world weren’t keeling over and dying in the street for all to see, they were stinking up the joint and ruining upholstery with sweat and stank. You know why old people cover their couches in plastic? It’s because furniture used to soaked in perspiration and make everything smell like the inside of an asshole. Can you imagine what the world smelled like pre-AC? I don’t want to and neither do you.

I would pick trying to warm up over trying to cool off any day of the week. Are you kidding me? Are you KIDDING me? Warming up? Easy. Build a fire. Literally the first thing humans invented. Done. Cooling off, though? Cooling off used to require jumping into a pool or a pond with snakes in it or a leech infested creek or a typhoid-filled lake or uncorking a fire hydrant that could very well blind you with water pressure. Then you had to dry off, pick your clothes out of a dogwood tree and then write a song about it 25 years later. What a hassle.

Now? You just, like, walk into a 7-11. Don’t even have to buy anything. It’s 98 degrees outside and you’re sweating your ass off after just walking 100 feet? Open a door of literally any building in the civilized world and get blasted in the face with cold air. It’s incredible.

Also, what’s the alternative here? Okay, let’s say the government decides that thermostats can no longer go below 78 degrees. You win. You got your justice. Instead of every building being a cool oasis, every single place in the world smells like a public bus. BO, sweat, stank, whatever you want to call it penetrates your nostrils at every turn. Ugh. Disgusting, smelly men everywhere. But you got what you wanted, right? That’s the perfect world you’ve created, where the slight inconvenience of making sure you have a sweater, blazer or a long sleeve t-shirt in a desk drawer post-Memorial Day no longer exists.

As for me, I’ll always be rocking 70-72 degrees on the thermostat (64 degrees and an ET blanket on hangover Sundays) and my home will always be a borderline hockey rink during the summer, because we are humans. Champions of innovation. Ever watch/read “The Grapes of Wrath”? Ask yourself if that’s the world you truly want to live in. A world where everyone is sweaty and miserable? No thanks. I’m going to keep living in my world, a world where the sun is no match for me and my clothes don’t look like they’re covered in dirt all the time.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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