======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
For those of us that have a deep love of football, the months between the Super Bowl and the start of the pre-season can seem endless. We will latch onto any tiny pigskin tidbit, just to give us a little taste of the game we love. That’s why many football fans spent this weekend watching the NFL combine. I have no idea why it’s called a combine (note to self – Google that later), but for the uneducated, the combine is essentially an exhibition during which NFL prospects are observed by scouts from the various teams competing in numerous different events, such as the 40-yard dash, the bench press, the vertical jump. The potential pros are also interviewed and subjected to wellness exams.
I live-streamed some of the weekend’s events and got to thinking, what if I could tryout my potential boyfriends the same way? Lord knows I would save myself a lot of time and heartache if I were able to put prospective partners through some tests. Here’s a taste of what tests I’d have in my Boyfriend Combine…
40-yard Fridge Dash
After some bedroom activities, my tummy starts to rumble. One of my first evaluations of a potential suitor would be how fast he can get to the fridge and back with that leftover pizza.
Vertical Shelf Jump
In football, they want to see how high you can jump, presumably to determine your ability to leap up and snag a pass. In my world, I need to see if you can reach the stuff I keep on the shelves in my home that I’m too short to grasp in bare feet and too lazy to get a stool for. I don’t care if you need to jump up, as long you can grab that box of pasta from top shelf of the kitchen of cabinet.
Cone Drill
According to the NFL’s Combine Workout site, the 3 cone drill “tests an athlete’s ability to change directions at a high speed.” My version tests speed as well – how fast a dude can go to the ice cream place and bring me a cone of chocolate chip cookie dough when I’m PMSing.
Physical Measurements
Size matters in the NFL…and despite what your last girlfriend may have said, it matters to the ladies, too. Although I think what the scouts are measuring aren’t the same body parts I’m interested in getting the dimensions on, the basic premise is the same.
20 Girl Shuttle
At the Combine, the shuttle run tests “athlete’s lateral quickness and explosion in short areas.” My edition assesses shuttling and explosion too – will any of the candidates explode when we jam 20 of my drunk friends in need of a ride home into his car after a night out? How about when hot-mess-Michelle loses her vodka tonics all over the backseat? Love me, love my bitches.
The Wonderlic Test
Here’s one you never see on TV: NFL prospects are all given the “The Wonderlic Test,” a 50 question multiple choice questions intelligence test that is used to evaluate the ability of potential employees for learning and problem-solving in a variety of occupations. If the “occupation” we are talking about is “boyfriend,” here’s a sample of the questions on my version:
What do you like best about me?
A. Your boobs
B. Your gorgeous eyes
C. Your intelligence
D. All of the above (CORRECT!)
Do I look fat in this?
A. Ummmm
B. No! You could never look anything but perfect. (Seriously, if you can’t get this one…)
Who is that text from?
A. My ex. She was just saying hi.
B. Ryan. He wants to know if I can go play wingman for him tonight.
C. My mom. (It’s your mom. It should always be your mom, unless you’re ready for a few-hours-long discussion.)
Of course, no combine – NFL or dating – is perfect. Mike Mamula is widely thought to have had one of the best NFL combine performances ever, but followed it up with a pretty unremarkable five-year career. On the flip: even I can admit this video of my beloved TB12 running the 40-yard-dash is laughable and we all know how turned out.
Either way, it’s got to be better than Tinder, right? .
Image via Ken Durden / Shutterstock.com
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
You forgot the bench press.
Ayyyyy lmao
Michelle throws up in my car, and Michelle is no longer allowed in said car.
Beat me to it. I think she’s vastly overestimating her marketability here.
If someone pukes in my backseat, they’re cleaning it up or giving me cash to take it to the car wash. Possibly both. You’re insane if you think Michelle is getting in my car after that. That’s what Uber is for.
Nobody would be OK with your idiot friend puking in their vehicle.
I think the term you’re looking for is “manservant.”
… in light of yesterday’s events, Chris Jones from Mississippi State would be the winner?
if he can shed offensive linemen the way his dick sheds clothes…look out quarterbacks
There is vast potential for a “Girlfriend Combine” style article, but I have the feeling it would fit in better on TFM.
I was great on paper, but probably a disappointment in the field. Oh well, I’m retired anyway.
I play a mean D-Line
I’d rather fill out an eharmony profile than take any damn questionnaire to determine our compatibility…wait a minute