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Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I sit here with a heavy heart looking at engagement photos that I thought I’d never be forced to see. It is with not a hint of jest in my voice that I say we as a human race deserve everything bad that comes our way from here on out.
Two years ago, we thought we had it bad. The worst we’d see when a young couple decided to take the next step in their relationship was rolled up Tom Sawyer-esque jeans on the beach, and maybe even a chalkboard with a wedding date written on it. But now, times have truly changed. We’ve reached a new level of insufferability that I never thought possible. In my wildest Pinterest dreams, never did I think this could ever happen.
I’m talking, of course, about the “avocado proposal,” a trend that feels so tongue-in-cheek that I can’t believe it’s actually fucking happening. They say millenials are killing everything and for once I’m inclined to believe them.
Let me take you back to 17 months ago, September 16, 2016 — the first trace of “avocado proposal” in recorded history. A dark day indeed.
It’s difficult to divert your attention from this young man proposing in flip-flops, but he took his tackiness to another level by slicing open an avocado and placing a ring inside of it. I know it may be difficult to keep reading this given how grave the situation is, but please, stay with me.
Shortly thereafter, another.
It’s unknown whether or not he was wearing flip-flops while following through on this as well, but we have to assume the worst at this point. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” like an over-ripe avocado that you’d that you’d rather throw away than dress your cobb salad with. I can’t imagine the overwhelming joy his fiancée must have felt when she wiped the brown mush off the base of the ring and slid it onto her finger. Truly breathtaking in all the wrong ways.
You’d think we could leave these in the past. Consider them outliers. Do anything to forget that this ever happened, not once but twice. Unfortunately, even the Men In Black memory eraser pen couldn’t stop us from forgetting it. One week ago, the trned was brought back into the limelight. The godforsaken avocado proposal. A viral sensation for all the wrong reasons.
“Tag someone who should propose like this,” the post says. Doing my due diligence, I preemptively blocked every single person who commented on this post. These are not people I want to have in my life, nor are they people you should want in yours.
This “trend” is something that I urge you to resist. Worse than Christmas proposals, worse than pear-cut diamonds, worse than people who include “The Cha-Cha Slide” on their wedding playlists. Please say “no” to the avocado proposal before the baby boomers find out what we’re doing and blame something else on us. We deserve better than this.
Or maybe we don’t. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
I’ve always envisioned proposing via sandwich. One afternoon while I’m watching golf and my girlfriend is getting something out of the kitchen, I’d ask my her if she’d mind making me a sandwich while she’s up. Once she brings the sandwich, I quickly hide a ring in it and politely let her know she forgot the mayo. If she says, “fuck you, get it yourself” then she’ll never find the ring and we’ll eventually drift away. But if she does, in fact, get up to slather on some mayo, then it is indeed true love and she will be blessed with a loving husband forever.
I’m proposing one week from today. I will not be doing this
Congrats and good luck man. That’s some exciting shit. Also, don’t worry about what you say before…she won’t remember
Hell yeah, Mad Max.
What a day! What a lovely day!
Congratulations!
You also will not remember what you say. As long as no one is filming you’re golden.
I have video of mine if any of y’all ever want to see it.
Nah we good
Still time to get a pre-nup. You are going to pay a lawyer on the way in or the way out. Believe me.
So, are you trying to figure out how to hide a ring in a bottle of MCT oil or a jar of collagen peptides, Will?
I used to think “we’re better than this. This is just a rough patch. We’ll come out better on the other side. Everything is going to be okay” but now with this going on, it’s only a matter of time before the aliens show up to kill us all for being a disgrace to “intelligent” life in the universe
Also, here’s cliche comment about “at least they’re proposing, Will”
Naw. We’re good. We have to much debris (space junk) orbiting our planet. Neil deGrasse Tyson talked about it on Joe Rogan.
My GF saw this and said if I did this she would say AvocaNO to me
Badum tish….
Hipsters ruin everything.
Yeah I thought this was him announcing his engagement.
I did too for a second. Then he swerved us.
I did too. Major spike in the heart rate for a second there
Avacado has been overrated into oblivion. Sure dressed up as Guac is it fantastic. But on its own it is just Cinderella sans glass slipper. Mush with zero inherent taste. Bring on the “Mehs”.. I am willing to die on this hill
Gotta at least provide some seasoning or you’re just mainlining plant fat.
It’s also weird how millennials are obsessed with certain things that seem to have absolutely no reason to have obsession with. Like avocados. Or avocado toast. Or brunch. Don’t get me wrong, brunch is great (not an avocado fan *gasp*) but come on, stop acting like certain random things are the best things in the world. Just live like a normal human.
Christ, I’m getting old.
Seriously, on their own they are bland and sort of slimy. And sure they have “good fat” but still, it is fat.
I can see Will proposing by putting the ring in a tub of ghee
I love avocados but after reading this I’ll keep it to myself before someone thinks this is an acceptable way to propose.