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There are human intricacies that I’ve come to accept. While I’ll never understand what would possess someone not to shower every single day of their lives, apparently not everyone does. Some people even wash their hair every time they take said showers, which is just downright bizarre.
But there’s one habit that never dawned on me as being socially acceptable – wearing socks to bed.
Before we get into every single reason wearing socks to bed is peculiar behavior, let’s get this elephant out of the room. Yes, it has become common knowledge that I – somehow, some way – look like a sock.
While I’ll never fully grasp how this began or where it comes from, apparently I look like a sock. Perhaps it’s the beard or perhaps it’s because I wear a lot of gray. Whatever the reason may be, it has completely escaped me even though it’s been universally accepted as truth.
But we’re not here to talk about me. If we were here to talk about me, I’d say that wearing socks is the bane of my actual existence. Wearing socks is like wearing tighty whities or a shirt that’s a size too small. I will do anything and everything to ensure that I, a person who allegedly looks like a sock, never has to wear socks. Tan ankles never go out of style, and your ankle can’t get tan if you’re covering it with cotton.
This isn’t about wearing socks all the time, though. This is about one specific instance where I deem it completely inappropriate to wear socks – and that’s to bed.
Through my daily reading, I stumbled across Mashable’s Wearing Socks To Bed Is Fine, You Monsters, and it truly opened my eyes to the type of evil that exists in the world. The column’s URL reads “socks in bed is good, don’t at me.” While that made me smirk, it took away from the idea that covering your feet while you sleep is somehow an okay for any human to do.
Through a brief two-person survey I just conducted in our office, both parties affirmed that wearing socks to sleep is common and acceptable practice. One said, “I don’t see anything wrong with it if it’s cold.” There was so much fundamentally incorrect about this statement that I couldn’t formulate a response at the time and was left with no other option but to write a column.
If you are so cold that you think you need to wear socks to bed, please consider the following:
What is the temperature in your home? If it is cold enough that your feet need coverage, consider turning your thermostat up. You lose a lot of body heat through your extremities like your hands and feet, yet you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing gloves to bed because that would be preposterous.
Do you need to invest in a new comforter? If your comforter is not keeping your feet amply warm, the rest of your body will suffer. If you’re the type of person who likes to toss a leg out the side of your comforter and feel the coolness of your top sheet between your legs, then I might understand the need for one single sock. But this is still not a viable excuse to go to bed with socks on.
Does comfort mean nothing to you? There’s a reason pajamas are baggy. Unless you’re in a middle-of-nowhere cabin where you have absolutely no heat, only then is it considered normal to wear long underwear to bed. But normally, you’re going with an oversized shirt, pajama pants, or boxers shorts. Some even take it one step further and remove clothing completely from the equation because even baggy clothing is too much skin-to-cloth friction. The idea of having cotton clinging to your feet for seven hours a night gives me the same feeling as the thought of getting stuck in an elevator for seven hours.
Different strokes for different folks, yes. I’m understanding that we all have our quirks and everyone should be tolerant of one another. But I simply cannot fathom getting in bed and falling asleep with socks strapped to my feet. But I’m willing to hear a case for it. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
You went to Miami, you should know how miserable a cold floor on a winter morning is. And in the cold months, I like to sleep naked with an extra blanket on my bed and Kirkland crew socks on my footsies. If you’ve got beef, I got crisco, we can get it poppin
During winter 2015 in Michigan where it was -20 at one point, it never even crossed my mind to toss socks on for bed.
Had an ex that wore socks to bed. She ended up trying to break into our house, getting kicked out of school, and moving in with her new boyfriend’s (now husband) parent’s house.
So when do you plan on sharing this story?
These are the same people who eat pizza with a fork.
Defries, the ultimate hangover cure is to wear socks, sweatpants, and a sweatshirt to bed when you get drunk. You’ll sweat that shit right out and be way too drunk to care about how hot you are. Seriously try it, changed my life.
lol
wut?
I’m ready to admit that I sleep with my socks on. It’s tough to admit because most people believe that’s what psychopaths do. My feet have terrible circulation and are often very cold. Need them to have an extra layer throughout the night for maximum comfort
My feet have such terrible circulation that I basically can’t feel them when I sleep. Still would never consider wearing socks to bed.
Dogs need to breathe.
If I wear socks to bed only when my feet are extremely cold and subconsciously take them off during the night, is this an exception?
It’s because deep down, you know it’s wrong. Exception granted.
My wife does this too. I’ll get in bed and find three pairs shoved down under the blankets.
Wool, how can you rag on someone for wearing socks to bed when you are a sock, in a bed? Just curious.
I’m a boxer-only guy myself, but how do people sleep naked? Even if you don’t mean to, eventually something’s going squeak out after an night of IPA’s and you’ll have shit in your bed not your boxers.
I don’t care if you’re wearing an airtight hazmat suit, if you poop the bed, you need to burn your mattress. Or move.
Bro once you go naked, you’ll never go back. Its liberating
Truly liberating. Only bad part is my legs get crazy sweaty, yet my feet get crazy cold. No idea why.
Maybe you should wear some socks to bed
My bare minimum is boxers. My maximum is boxers + long sleeve shirt.
your balls don’t know what they’re missing
It’s freedom. You’ll get a better night sleep and wake up refreshed. You’re in you’re natural state.
It has to be damn cold for me to wear boxers to bed
How about the psychos that keep their socks on for the horizontal polka? Intentionally. Not in a heat of the moment type situation.
Can we please talk about this? I did the horizontal (and frankly acrobatic) polka last night with an otherwise fine gentleman who kept his socks on. It was weird, but I didn’t mention it to him. Am I going to end up with my head in his fridge?
Congrats on the sex.
Yes, run.
I read once that wearing socks during the no pants dance increases chances of orgasms. Lol, as if I’m in need of increased likelihood… but I’m sure my lady friend would.