It’s the dog days of February. Rachel has been trying to adjust to her new post-grad lifestyle, grasping at straws with fashion blogs, foodie blogs, becoming a yoga instructor, even getting a dog. It’s cold, no one’s going out now that football season is over, and frankly, she’s bored. Not to mention, Valentine’s Day is this coming weekend, which means all of her friends will be busy with their boyfriends, further snowballing her everlasting “I’m so single” feeling.
After going months without downloading Tinder (“It’s just filled with perverts and high schoolers”), she’s finally had enough. “Ugh, this is so embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m… online dating.” Praying she doesn’t see her ex-boyfriend Eric. (or even worse, her brother), she begins sorting through the first batch of guys. “Do I just like everyone and see who it was?” she wonders. “Ugh, no, I have standards.” She ends up liking all of them anyway.
Five minutes passes. No matches. Another ten minutes passes. Still nothing. It’s existential crisis time. She draws a bath and turns on Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” while burning a lavender candle from Sephora. She’s fearing she’ll be single forever. She starts calculating how old her parents were when they met and got married. After realizing she’s already a year behind their schedule, she calms her nerves by telling herself, “It was a different time back then.”
Then, suddenly, through the wallowing of “You Oughta Know,” she hears a ding. It’s not her text tone, and it’s not her alarm to take her birth control. It has to be a match. She towels off and bolts to her phone. “Congratulations! You and Todd are a match!”
As soon as I kick my insomniac ass to sleep, I’m set to get all up in the FDAs grill to get our product approved before it hits the shelves. Website is polished, bank accounts set. Just waiting on a green light.
And Ross you animal. It’s 3 am on the west coast, likely 5 in Austin. Did you hash this out the night before and publish it just now? Or did you crack this one out while your coffee brewed?
Speaking of, has NHL 17 stepped itself up or is it still absolute trash? I know EA runs rampant with their microtransactions, but can that be overlooked?
Crushed a sales meeting with a large health group and got my first large order from my referral source after 6 months of being boxed out. This about makes up for my milk going sour for breakfast.
If you’re feeling any adventurous or for you masochists out there, try receiving a BJ after she downs anything crazy spicy like a bag of XXXTRA Hot Cheetos. Good luck.
Got a double date with my girl, my cousin, and his soon-to-be-fiancée at some hole-in-the-wall Mongolian BBQ. Pro-tip: the worse the service, the better the food*. (*Corroborated by Asians, pertaining to Asian cuisines only).
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It’s ok buddy. You were too good for them anyways.
Just imagine:
It’s the dog days of February. Rachel has been trying to adjust to her new post-grad lifestyle, grasping at straws with fashion blogs, foodie blogs, becoming a yoga instructor, even getting a dog. It’s cold, no one’s going out now that football season is over, and frankly, she’s bored. Not to mention, Valentine’s Day is this coming weekend, which means all of her friends will be busy with their boyfriends, further snowballing her everlasting “I’m so single” feeling.
After going months without downloading Tinder (“It’s just filled with perverts and high schoolers”), she’s finally had enough. “Ugh, this is so embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m… online dating.” Praying she doesn’t see her ex-boyfriend Eric. (or even worse, her brother), she begins sorting through the first batch of guys. “Do I just like everyone and see who it was?” she wonders. “Ugh, no, I have standards.” She ends up liking all of them anyway.
Five minutes passes. No matches. Another ten minutes passes. Still nothing. It’s existential crisis time. She draws a bath and turns on Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” while burning a lavender candle from Sephora. She’s fearing she’ll be single forever. She starts calculating how old her parents were when they met and got married. After realizing she’s already a year behind their schedule, she calms her nerves by telling herself, “It was a different time back then.”
Then, suddenly, through the wallowing of “You Oughta Know,” she hears a ding. It’s not her text tone, and it’s not her alarm to take her birth control. It has to be a match. She towels off and bolts to her phone. “Congratulations! You and Todd are a match!”
As soon as I kick my insomniac ass to sleep, I’m set to get all up in the FDAs grill to get our product approved before it hits the shelves. Website is polished, bank accounts set. Just waiting on a green light.
And Ross you animal. It’s 3 am on the west coast, likely 5 in Austin. Did you hash this out the night before and publish it just now? Or did you crack this one out while your coffee brewed?
*Pours one out for Thompsey and his pity sup
I can. If you’re ever in So. Cal, I’ll introduce you to a few.
Username checks out.
Speaking of, has NHL 17 stepped itself up or is it still absolute trash? I know EA runs rampant with their microtransactions, but can that be overlooked?
Truly liberating. Only bad part is my legs get crazy sweaty, yet my feet get crazy cold. No idea why.
“wasn’t a date…”
And somewhere in Scottsdale, Lizzie sinks into her chair.
YOU TWO MUST BE RELATED! NOW I CANT UNHEAR YOUR INTROS!
https://youtu.be/yQ8bMqxDJ44
Crushed a sales meeting with a large health group and got my first large order from my referral source after 6 months of being boxed out. This about makes up for my milk going sour for breakfast.
If you’re feeling any adventurous or for you masochists out there, try receiving a BJ after she downs anything crazy spicy like a bag of XXXTRA Hot Cheetos. Good luck.
Doesn’t matter, had slept together?
Uh oh. What is that, Will? Don’t you start getting inspired.
C’mon Phil this isn’t your first rodeo. I’m only surprised it took this long for something like this to come up, but not surprised Will found it.
Could we expect a follow-up column? God speed and good luck!
Got a double date with my girl, my cousin, and his soon-to-be-fiancée at some hole-in-the-wall Mongolian BBQ. Pro-tip: the worse the service, the better the food*. (*Corroborated by Asians, pertaining to Asian cuisines only).