Felt a strange sense of pride after writing an email with the perfect amount of passive aggressive, before that response time anxiety kicked in. PGP

After adding a picture to my LinkedIn profile, I woke up to 4 requests to connect, all guys. One was at 2:15am from a guy I went on a date with 2 years ago. Professional Networking? PGP.

Convincing yourself that taking the stairs once a day counteracts your horrendously unhealthy eating habits. PGP.

Hours go by and nobody comes to my desk. As soon as I let out one fart, all of a sudden everyone in the office needs to come talk to me. PGP.

Old guy in the cube over eats carrots and celery every morning at 9 A.M. PGP.

Every hurricane season, I get excited at the chance that my city will be hit and I’ll be able to afford a house afterwards. PGP.

Being more stressed out from having nothing to do than by having a lot to do. PGP.

Fruit is fucking expensive. PGP.

My new idea of being a party animal is taking an extra Klonopin at work on Friday. PGP.