Considering moving to the suburbs so you have an excuse to not go out drinking and go to sleep early on the weekends. PGP.

Drinking games now means seeing if I can finish a drink without feeling sleepy. PGP.

Finally got a view on my online dating profile. It was my mom and she emailed me a list of things to edit. PGP.

Had a great first date last night. We bonded over how terrible cable companies are. PGP.

Canceling a date for Sunday brunch while in bed with a different date Saturday night. PGP.

People in the office have already started talking about the Halloween costume contest. That’s all they have to live for. PGP.

People thinking you’re telling a joke when you tell them your salary. PGP.

Fighting the urge to pretend I’m on Shark Tank and typing “for that reason, I’m out” in work emails. PGP.

Let’s just see who pops up on Match.com in the $150k+ income bracket. PGP.

When the bank teller asks if you’d like a complimentary financial planning session after looking at your account. PGP.