Twitter And Instagram Accounts You Need To Follow NOW

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Since you’re reading this right now, don’t even sell me some BS that you don’t have time to peruse absolutely useless and mindless social media during work. We all do, because the oldies above us who created our jobs and hours somehow thought it takes an entire workday to analyze 100 cells of data in a spreadsheet, bless their hearts. I’m sure you all already have some go-to accounts that you visit frequently, so I’m not going to preach about the obvious ones. However, I’ve noticed that some of the best accounts go unnoticed (as in, they have less than 6 billion followers) and that’s a tragedy I’m not willing to let you be a part of. As such, here are some of the Twitter and Instagram accounts I visit more than my inbox.

Just trust me on this one. There are no words. These guys are the perfect balance between ridiculous, historically interesting, and NSFW in every aspect of that expression, with a side of making you lose faith in humanity. I mean, The Fat Jewish’s Instagram bio is, “You can’t get an STD if you never get tested.” I’m pretty sure I can’t even legally condone any of their pictures or tweets, but that’s what makes it good, right?

“Little know fact: the P in C-3PO stands for Pizza.” And that’s just one of the gems I found without scrolling. Good, (mostly) clean fun.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, hockey is my go-to for watching sports in which I don’t participate. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon this total hero, but thank fuck I did. He is a self-proclaimed fourth line plug (hockey slang for scrub) for the Phoenix Coyotes. I’m pretty sure I’ve never even see him play, but that’s not the point. He’s very funny and spends half his time retweeting morons who talk shit to him on Twitter, subsequently dissing them (my fave being when he called out some hater for having caterpillars for eyebrows). He’s also quick to make fun of himself and has a smokeshow of a girlfriend, who makes occasional cameos on the ‘gram to ensure I remind myself, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Sometimes I pretend I’m a stimulating person and that I like to be stimulated–mentally, you sickos. When I have one of these moments, I like to turn to good old National Geographic on Instagram. They definitely have more interesting content than that doofus who runs Earth Pix via his basement and Google images. The account also has a little writeup that goes with each picture, so I’m not just dumbly staring at inuits eating whale blubber with no context.

There are probably, like, 30 accounts each for these deep and cathartic characters, but these are the two accounts I follow and they never disappoint. I literally laugh at every tweet. They will also keep you on your toes quote-wise, because If I have to hear someone say, “so you’re saying there’s a chance” one more time, I’m just going to be upset.

Finally there is someone who sounds like your weird aunt on Facebook, but who delivers in the more digestible form of a tweet. All I really have to say about this account: exclamation points.

Two peas in a pod here. As they pretty expressly say, one tweets about random shit white people like (i.e. making jokes about mayonnaise on May 5) and what they frequently say (i.e. “get a load of this guy”). I love a good poke at how smart, funny, and awesome people think they are and then pointing out evidence to the contrary. I’m not going to lie, the social commentary is pretty on point. But be warned: you’ll need to turn off retweets, because they both retweet 40 random other (usually not so funny) accounts’ tweets in between their own. Ha, no thanks.

I’m not one to objectify women, but this lady is a babe and loves to objectify herself, so I’m going to throw this one on here for all you hot-blooded Americans out there. I don’t actually follow her because of two reasons, the first being does she even have a job? Like how do you have time to work out that much? I would assume at this point she gets paid to wear gray leggings, but before this, what did she do? Not important, clearly. The second reason is that I don’t need to feel like shit about myself every eight minutes, although I am glad she’s bringing the huge ass back. That could be advantageous for me if I ever get out for a lap around the block one of these days. To really put it into perspective, the first (and last) time I used #fitspo or #beachseason was on a beautifully filtered IG picture of a Softee cherry-dipped, soft-serve cone. So there’s that.

This account is cross-cultural commentary on the dynamic relations between various men and the spectrum of emotions (and varying degrees of consciousness) they experience while accompanying presumed significant others on shopping trips.

This is pretty much an anthropological review of your middle school years. I remember spending at least 25 minutes picking out the right shade of pink for my profile just in case my pretend boyfriend was going to check it that day. Blasts from the past.

I truly don’t care if you hate electronic music or you’re one of those people who listens to it while you’re trying to sleep. This guy is a hero on Instagram, and it’s mostly because of his videos. Dillon Francis gives absolutely zero fucks and loves to make fun of himself and others quite a bit. The guy has three other alter egos who make appearances in a video diary-esque (viary?) way. He likes to act as his own dumb (fake) girlfriend, DJ Rich As Fuck (douche), and DJ Hanzel (foreign DJ). As stupid as that might sound, his execution is on point.

Any other must follows out there? Spread the love in the comments below.

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

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