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I was getting changed in a locker room yesterday feeling really good about the workout I had just completed. I count going to the gym as part of the work day and, all in all, I had a great 10-hour shift. As I threw my gym bag around my shoulder and began walking back to my apartment though, a thought crept into my head that would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning.
“Are you going to be doing this shit when you’re 30, dude? Just going through the motions until the weekend so you can go to the bar and try to bring some random girl back with you? Is that what you want out of your life?”
Thoughts of the existential variety are nothing new for me. Anyone with anxious tendencies can tell you that thinking about the meaning of life and where we’ll all end up one day are par for the course. But on this day, I just couldn’t shake the thought that maybe this is the time to make some changes.
It’s been about six months since I’ve truly considered diving back into a relationship with someone and I know that I definitely do not want to be single in five years when I turn 30. Other than garden variety anxiety and what I’ll be doing to pay the bills in twenty years, nothing keeps me awake at night like the prospect of being alone forever.
Maybe it was the new Drake album I had been listening to for the past 48 hours. Maybe I’m finally maturing a little bit. What I know for certain is that I’m not particularly happy as a single man anymore.
Next time you’re out with a group of friends, take a look around you and see what the difference is between yourself and someone in the crew with a significant other. Are the people in relationships happier than you? Do you they possess personality traits like maturity and a sense of humor that you just don’t have? Or are these people simply luckier than you? I maintain that finding someone to settle down with is more luck than anything, but I’m a jackass of the highest order so my two cents is probably worthless. And therein lies my problem.
In your mid-twenties, there’s no real way to answer questions about why your sex life isn’t satisfying anymore or why you can’t seem to settle down with someone. Some people are just better at finding companionship than others. It isn’t about anyone being nicer or better looking, it’s more about perseverance and determination. Finding a person to settle down with isn’t all that different from finding a job. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult, but if you really want one, you can get one.
I’m not telling you anything you don’t know when I say that the sustainability of a relationship lies in the tiny details. Two people don’t stay together for the sex, and if they do they’re stupid because sex is merely a component of a healthy relationship. Obviously sex is a critical part any relationship worth its salt but let’s not pretend like every couple who has phenomenal sex is good together.
A couple stays together because they enjoy each other’s company and can, at the very least, bring each other around their friends and not have them go Hiroshima on everyone’s ass (a skill I have yet to master). We hear the phrase “looking for love in all the wrong places” constantly because it’s partly true and also because it’s a go-to caption for both aspiring and full-fledged Instagram models.
We search for a companion at bars and on dumbass dating apps even though statistically speaking the next girlfriend or boyfriend we’re going to have is someone whom we already know and regularly hang out with. Hitting the gym, eating right, and generally being a good person? These are all things that we do because it’s attractive to the opposite sex. Would anyone frequent the gym at all if it wasn’t for television and movies telling us to that everyone should strive to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club when they’re naked?
All of my failed relationships with women have one overarching theme: an inability to change the things that my counterpart doesn’t like about me. Yes, everyone has things about their partner that they don’t like. General uncleanliness and opinions on NATO or Beyoncé – these are just examples of issues that people can (and usually will) change for the sake of a relationship. But what I’m talking about are the things that aren’t so easy to change.
There are some personality traits that I truly don’t know if I can change and it’s a little bit unsettling. I can be the romantic and I can be the affable type when I really feel like doing so. But I can’t be the nice guy all of the time. I’m fully capable of working a room when I go to party or a work event, but I can’t be the only one who thinks about heading to a party sometimes and thinking “I would literally rather have my head sewn to the carpet than go to this fucking party.”
Being “on” like that all the time is really difficult, and I envy a lot of my friends who seem to be clicking on all cylinders every single weekend. So is it me or is it the girls I’m seeing who have a problem?
It takes effort 100% of the time to be in a healthy relationship, and if you’re not in a relationship and looking for one it takes 110% to find someone. There are nights in all relationships where you just want to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that no, actually, you don’t feel like going to their friends party because you can’t stand the thought of going out with those people.
Putting on a facade that you want to be somewhere is hard, and it’s even harder when the people who you’re going to be around for an entire night are objectively awful. I’m not even in a relationship and the thought of bending over backwards to appease a significant other sounds incredibly daunting. That is the reason why I sit here writing this without a girlfriend. I am single because it’s easy and if I want that to change I’m going to have to put my fake smile on and try harder. .
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jduda@grandex.co
Solid writing and thoughts, Johnny.
When it comes to finding a significant other and having a healthy relationship, you first need to do soul searching and get your own shit together. A significant other has to be a supplement to your already good life, otherwise you risk becoming co-dependent and ruining the relationship. Going into a relationship with a mindset that your life could be fixed if you could just wake up to that girl or guy every morning is a recipe for disaster and, in my opinion, a major reason why so many relationships fail.
Keep your head up, and stick to those dating apps. As I’ve mentioned on here a few times, my girlfriend and I met on Tinder and have now been living together for almost two months and it’s been fantastic. Online dating is just another means to meet people, you still need to be a good person to get something going once you meet person.
Oh, and maybe you should raise the age range. You’re not going to find the Juliet to your Romeo while swiping right on 20-year old college chicks.
Bill Nye: scientist, beloved childhood TV personality and relationship expert. A+ advice.
Thanks man, appreciate it. A lot of it is stuff I learned on my own from my many mistakes. Life really is the best teacher.
Beware of year 2; your still in the honeymoon phase the truly aggravating quarks don’t show up for a while. And Duda, you may be an extroverted introvert. That’s exactly how I feel about social gatherings. Being on for long periods is emotionally exhausting, and I need to be in the mood and decently rested or ill just go through the motions.
I dunno, we’ve definitely had some conversation and disagreement over a bunch of quirks we’ve already found. Compromise and communication goes a long way.
Yeah, what kind of loser guy is still single and staring down their 31st birthday tomorrow?
*closes office door and cries into coffee*
The coffee part doesn’t sound half bad though.
Hopefully he has an ice-cold coldbrew!
Nitro cold brew is my crack in the summer.
At least you have an office?
150k of student loans had to buy me something!
So… I’ve been thinking law school for a while, but the idea of $150 K in student loans scares me to death and I’ve hesitated in taking the plunge. Are you happy now that you are on the other side of that level of student debt? Or, looking back, would you reconsider?
Happy early birthday 🙂
I have a thing for 30-something lawyers. If, by some random act of fate, you’re based in NYC, hit me up… nahhh315@gmail.com
I’m a ginger, vegetarian, cyclist. I highly doubt I’m your type, haha.
Why would you sell yourself short like that? Gingers are hot, I’m vegetarian-ish (cutting down on meat consumption), and I respect the hell out of cyclists for preserving our planet.
I’m saddened by your comment, even if it was “a joke”. Dating requires risk-taking and a willingness to put yourself out there. I’ve done my part. Ball’s in your court.
Full disclosure: I’m neither a doctor nor a middle aged white woman, in case you were politely rejecting me for these reasons. Lol.
seriously, what kind of loser girl is still single and just turned 32.
#fail
kicking me while i’m down, people. real nice!!!!
Johnny, my man. I’ve always been a fan of the writings but you can’t actually think that any girl in their right mind would think of you as a long term boyfriend do you? You supplement your income by writing/bragging about your sexual conquests with married women, college aged girls, etc. This is all wildly entertaining to guys our age, but every girl who goes on a date with you just has to google your name and see a thousand red flags. By writing with your real name, you’ve successfully removed a large portion of girls who aren’t cool with their significant other parading around town and treating women as conquests. Imagine what their parents would think if they told them that their new boyfriend is a writer and those parents googled your name.
Anyway this is just my opinion. Love the stories. Keep it up for the #content
Or are they impressed (possibly aroused?) by his honesty and detailed openness regardless of possible consequences?
Honesty is the best policy
Usually. But your girlfriends dad doesn’t need to read about how long it took his daughter to do the deed with JD, nor what her hoo-haa smelled like.
Johnny, I think it’s time for a pen name because we want you on #TeamGirlfriend. You’d make double dates a million times more entertaining and id never get in trouble for drinking if you were across the table.
I giggled at “hoo-haa” which probably explains why I’m still single.
Hah I’m glad I’m not the only one
Todd from TGDAG tried to get a girlfriend… now look at him.
This is my nightmare.
Wow, this hit me hard. I’ve been *single* for 3 years and became the most cynical asshole because of it, and I’m slowly realizing that it’s not that everyone else sucks, it’s that I suck, and that’s not going to change unless I stop being selfish. Harsh reality, but it’s given me the biggest push to actually start going on dates… or at least to not take home absolutely trash dudes.
Was going to drop an S-bomb here but I suppose we’ve moved on from that.
It’s 2017
My real name starts with an S and people call me S-bomb so I panicked for a hot second until I realized you were talking about.
Sa’Qeesha?
Damn. Didn’t think you guys would get it so soon.
What are the odds. I’d peg you as a Sam(antha)?
Rik is into pegging, stay far, far away.
As postgrad finance said, its 2017 man.
Glad we are on the same page postgrad politics
Get a room
Sup?
Sounds like we both need drinks after reading this
I hate dating to find a girlfriend. That being said, my current girlfriend kinda appeared literally out of nowhere and extremely unexpectedly. My advice, don’t push it. Let it happen naturally without even thinking about it. Lowers anxiety, surprisingly successful.
Did she really appear out of nowhere or did you make her out of one of your ribs because you couldn’t find a date?
You caught me.
I was right where you were almost two years ago. I had a routine. I crushed it at work and then worked out at the gym 5 days a week. It was simple, repetitive, and a little boring but the weekend partying is what motivated me. During this time I accidentally bumped into someone and we started chatting about random stuff until I discovered that she grew up in the town next to mine, went to the same college, and had similar music tastes and humor as me. I didn’t want to be in a relationship but here I was with this amazing girl who (ready for this) LET ME BE MYSELF. It was like this weird click. One minute I’m single and the next minute there is this person walking by my side like they had always been there. Biggest mistake you can make is to go looking for love. Love for yourself and a kindness towards all people is what will bring you happiness. And trust me, it will happen.
People always say stuff like this- stop looking for love, it’ll happen when you least expect it, etc etc. I love stories like this and want to believe that kind of thing will happen to me, but i also think that if that hasn’t happened, there are things I can and should be doing to be more proactive about finding someone. Putting yourself out there consistently is a shit ton of work, on top of trying to work on yourself. This is something my non-perpetually single friends just don’t get.
Well said Rachel…If I had a dollar for every time my coupled friends have said this to me, I’d have enough money to pay for all my friends and I to go on Girl’s yoga retreat and stay in the point house.
Rachel hit the nail on the head.
don’t listen to this. don’t get emotional.
this is super true though, it always seems way more difficult to find a relationship when you’re actively looking for one, but as soon as you accept that you’re single and it doesn’t bother you anymore, then wham somebody shows up
Hang in there Duda. I totally hear what’re you’re going through. It’s beyond rough out there. Two keys that have helped my confidence out there.
1. Embrace your passions- These things make you unique and truly authentic. For instance- I’m a die hard Dave Matthews fan and love Liverpool soccer. I get shit for loving Dave and soccer, but, it’s what I enjoy.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask-I know how hard it can be to get in your head about “woah, how lame would I look if I asked this girl to grab tacos and margaritas next Tuesday”. Go for it man, be as creative with the dates as you can. As a wise man I know once said, the worst thing she can say is no.
Y’all are a solid bunch of folks. Stay strong out there. Best of luck to Duda and all the PGP folks in the dating game.
If you’re getting shit for being a Dave fan you don’t need those people in your life
Some days I’m really zen about being hella single, some days the loneliness hits really, really hard.
do some abs. make sure you keep taking risks
I think part of the problem is thinking you have to maintain a facade for your partner. If you’re in a solid relationship, you’re honest with each other.
Very relatable concerns, great piece.
Sounds like you need to adopt an internal locus of control rather than an external one. Go to the gym because you’re genuinely motivated to inside, not to keep up appearances or please the opposite gender (consider those side benefits). Same goes with ‘changing’ for the sake of the relationship; change because you want to, not because you have to please someone. This is much easier said than done, and what do I know, I’m 23 and single.