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A trip to Trader Joe’s is always time well spent. Every time I go to check out at a TJ’s – whether it’s in Chicago, NYC, Phoenix, Austin, etc. – I’m greeted by a chipper worker that seems genuinely happy to be there.
Conversation with TJ’s employees is easy and free-flowing, and sometimes they’ll even comment on the things I’ve chosen to buy for myself. The dark chocolate covered pretzels usually get me a “nice choice” as well as the frozen Mongolian beef. Both are must-have items when I’m visiting a nearby TJ’s location. Free parking is a staple there are always beautiful people walking the aisles, filling their carts with everything from Organic Mango Acai Juice to TJ’s brand toilet paper.
I’ll admit that I’m a sucker for whatever is currently cooking as a free sample in the back corner of TJ’s. If it’s being set out as a sampler, there’s like a 75% chance that I’m going to buy a bag of whatever it is to take home with me.
I love that one can buy fresh flowers and beautiful bouquets for a reasonable price, and their wine selection is a revelation. Everything from rieslings to cabernet sauvignon is well represented, and again, the prices are tough to beat.
The problem with TJ’s is that I’m a slave to brand names, okay? TJ’s has their own brands. It’s certainly noble, and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with making knockoffs of everything. But I love brands. That’s just the way I am. I love them because I’ve been conditioned to do so through a combination of television commercials, radio spots, and parents who for the most part, did not buy generic alternatives.
Nothing grinded my gears as a child quite like sleeping over at a friend’s place and having to eat off-brand cereal or soda. No, I don’t want a fucking Sam’s Choice Mountain Lightning. I want a goddamn Mountain Dew, and if you try and serve me a bowl of Marshmallow Magic instead of Lucky Charms, I’m going to vomit everywhere.
TJ’s holds a special place close to my heart, and I’m not here to bash them. I love most everything about that grocery store, and I’ll shop there until the end of my days because there isn’t another grocer on planet earth that makes those delicious dark chocolate covered pretzels that I love to throw in the freezer and eat in the span of a few hours after arriving home.
But sometimes a guy just wants to buy some Cheetos and a 6-pack of lemon-lime Gatorade, you know? The TJ’s equivalent to that is “Baked Cheese Crunchies” and fucking Strawberry Kiwi Juice. Like, yeah that’s good shit but it’s not Cheetos and Gatorade, you know?
There are times when I just need Cheez-Its, Cafe Bustelo, Swiffer Wet Jet Pads, and Colgate toothpaste.
The point I’m trying to make here is that there are just certain things at TJ’s that one cannot buy. And having to make another stop to an entirely separate grocery store after surviving the masses at TJ’s is not something I enjoy doing. It’s easy to say that you can make two separate stops, one for stuff from TJ’s and one for the name brands, but it’s another thing entirely to actually do it.
The snack selection at TJ’s is phenomenal. Nothing gets my dick hard like a bag of TJ’s “Just Mango Slices” or some roasted plantain chips, okay? I love that store to death, but the fact that I can’t buy brand name stuff there makes it a place that I only go to every so often.
It’s not Meijer, Jewel-Osco, H-E-B, or Publix. It’s Trader Joe’s, and for specialty items, it’s perfectly fine, but I’ll never understand folks who exclusively shop there. It’ll never be a one-stop shopping experience at TJ’s and that’s fine.
But I need my Cheetos and Gatorade like I need air to breathe, and if the fine people over at TJ’s could figure out a way to incorporate name brands, I think they’d see a huge uptick in sales. .
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Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Hey John, Will here. Two things.
1. Prosciutto at Trader Joe’s is incredibly priced. The main reason I go there, honestly.
2. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but would you be so kind as to do another breakdown of your grocery list? It was truly an all-time column.
You slept on a goddamn air mattress for how long? Don’t tell me you’re a “slave” to any name brand because I’m calling bullshit. You’re an off brand ass Will Defries and you know it, Duda.
You’re forgetting they can keep their prices so good because you’re not buying the brand name…
Yeah that’s the whole thing that makes trader joe’s unique. This is like complaining Walmart doesn’t carry high-end clothing.
Watch them do this and then Duda will write another column complaining that Trader Joe’s has gotten more expensive.
Pretty soon, Walmart is gonna take on the business model of sneaker companies that hype limited release shoe drops but they’re gonna do it for food as people camp out to get mayo And bread
need a Duda column on the Walmart spring collection
“Why can’t I have exactly what I want at the price that I want to pay for it?”
Key on the “I want”
TJ’s has made me realize other grocery stores are just not as enjoyable. TJ’s is always clean, well stocked, and the line moves fast. I can live without brand names for a sane grocery experience.
You claim you’re a slave to brand names but you wear off brand carhart jackets, shit on the canada goose winter coats, and dress like you shop in a thrift store’s dumpster
Your consistency of shit takes is downright appalling. You can get a case of wine for $20 at TJs and their Longboard tortilla chips are the GOAT of tortilla chips, all name brands can go to hell based on those facts alone. We didn’t even touch on the friendly staff, fast lines, and the TJ’s in Houston is in an old movie theater so it’s even more awesome.
Those chips and the ghost pepper salsa are all time
Came here to see Duda get ripped to shreds after another shit take. Was not disappointed
What you’re complaining about is basically the whole point of Trader Joe’s.
Wegmans all day
Went to Wegmans for the first time a couple months ago. They didn’t have it where I came from. Fucking. Epic.
I grew up on Wegmans. It set the bar too high, too young. Nothing can compare.
I’d back Wegmans over any grocery store. Sorry, Publix is just ok.
Part of the reason I go to TJs is the very fact that they DON’T sell Cheetos and Gatorade. I don’t need that in my life when I’m trying to actually not be a huge piece of shit and eat like a middle schooler. If I go to a regular grocery store it’s hard to not get a couple trash food items which are great at times, but I don’t need to be buying that stuff constantly. If I want Cheetos and Gatorade, I’ll make a trip to the store specifically for that, but I don’t want to make it part of my regular grocery shopping routine.