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Yes, yes, we’ve all read the same Facebook statuses and had the same drunken conversations. We’ve waxed poetic about the ridiculousness of tiny pink hearts and over priced lingerie, rolled our eyes at the infuriatingly catchy jingles made to advertise diamond necklaces, and sworn on our mother’s grave that this Wednesday the 14th, nary a prix fixe scallop shall pass our lips.
I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and if we matched on Bumble recently, we’ve probably done it together.
(“I don’t really “do” Valentine’s Day” is an actual sentence I typed with perfectly crafted malaise to my most recent Bumble match just last week.)
Hating Valentine’s Day (whether it be real, visceral hate or pseudo, “I secretly love it” hate) is as en Vogue as tiny sunglasses and has been for quite some time.
It’s like at some point during our transformation into sexual beings we all got the memo that Valentine’s day will either leave you poor and scammed (for those in a relationship) or in a brutal state of abjection via single shaming (for those without a mate).
Generally speaking, our collective rhetoric regarding this entirely made up day of romantic declaration is overwhelmingly jaded, and quite frankly, rightfully so.
It’s true, for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day is a capitalist scam designed to illicit ungodly amounts of money from naive lovers guilted, via strategic marketing, into demonstrating their affection for one another through unnecessary material goods. While, in the same vein, for single people it is a special day that provides the perfect excuse to spend an entire 24-hours questioning a non-existent state of romantic affairs.
So, we’ve collectively decided Valentine’s Day is stupid. But we all already know that, right?
Now that that’s out of the way…let’s cut the bullshit.
Did today hit you right in the gut, too?
Regardless of how trendy it is to reject Valentine’s Day with fervor, did you wake up this morning and remember that this week is the week of pulsing pink hearts and expensive chocolate and kissing and sexy lingerie and feel a tiny twinge of lonely in the pit of your stomach?
I know, I know. You won’t admit it to anyone, and I promise not to tell, but am I right in saying there may be an itty bitty part of you that feels just a smidge of loneliness as we face V-Day 2018 straight in the face?
No matter how much you have prepared yourself, has that motherfucker we call “self-pity” reared its seductive head just to whisper “you’re still single, loser” into the darkest crevices of your otherwise entirely rational “I really don’t want a relationship right now” brain?
If so, you’re not alone.
Just because we’ve evolved past antiquated dating standards and operate in a society where being single is powerful (which it is, FYI) it doesn’t mean you can’t be a little lonely as Valentine’s Day approaches.
Craving companionship on a day quite literally designed to celebrate love is not accepting defeat in the face of the patriarchy, it’s just accepting that being human is complicated and we’re not living, breathing, physical manifestations of cat posters that say “you’re purrrrrrfect just the way you are!”
So ya, maybe you too have scoffed at the inflated price of roses, “loled” in your group text as Jonny gets suckered into a $150 prix fixe dinner with Sarah, and boldly liked every eloquent 500 word Facebook status about the American consumerist complex – all in an effort combat the very longing that now seems be nibbling at your small intestine, and still, it hasn’t worked.
If, despite your best efforts, you’re still not feeling “completely and totally good” today – that’s goddamn okay.
You’re allowed to face a minutia of cognitive dissonance in regards to your relationship status this week.
I broke up with my suitor just a few weeks ago, and while it was definitely the right call (we were a dumpster fire spinning further and further out of control), I would be a complete and total liar if I told you I woke up this morning all over the moon and revved up to spend Valentine’s Day without a warm body to spoon whilst stuffed with overpriced baked ziti and a full bodied Merlot.
So ya, Valentine’s Day is a little bit silly, but it can also make you feel lonely and resentful. Let’s say it together. “THIS SUCKS!! THIS SUCKS!! THIS SUCKS!!”
But guess what? I have good news! The sucking will subside as quickly as your cubicle mates roses will die and normalcy will indeed restore.
Until then, however, let’s talk coping skills. Or as I like to call them “no moping skills.” (I don’t actually call them that, but it sounds very ~lifestyle blogish~ doesn’t it?)
There are three fool proof ways to combat loneliness on February 14th, all of which I implore you to explore, but only one of which really needs some additional explanation below. They are as follows:
Workout, practice self-love (masturbate ya’ll), and throw a Valentine’s Day Party.
That’s right. You just winced didn’t you? Not because of the reference to self-love (#2018, baby), but because you told yourself you would gladly send the next writer to publish a column about a Valentine’s Day party a special invitation to the very hottest corner of hell.
But you know what? I like it hot, so I stand by my assertion.
You should 100% throw a Valentine’s Day Party on Wednesday, February 14th and here’s how:
Invite All Of Your Single Friends
If there’s ever a time to really grovel in your hate for all people in love, it’s at your own Valentine’s Day singles party. So, while crafting your guest list, make sure to ONLY invite your single friends so you can all collectively talk shit about people in relationships.
It might be hard to differentiate who’s in a relationship versus who’s just casually dating someone via Tinder though, so it’s probably fine to invite your friends who are still in the “casual” phase of dating someone. I mean, it’s even a good call if your kind-of single friends bring their boo because, you know, they could have hot friends and missing out on those hot friends is not really a hill you want to die on.
Once you’ve invited your single and kind of single friends, plus their non-exclusive side honeys, that’s where you draw the line. Seriously, folks in relationships can fuck off.
Unless, of course, you want to invite your friend who’s in a relationship that’s probably going to end soon. That’s allowed because he’ll be single eventually – so whatever. You know what, now that I think of it, married friends should be good to go too because they were also once single, so they know what it’s like to be without a mate and can totally relate. Okay ya, they’re fair game.
Great. Glad we’ve cleared that up. You’re ONLY allowed to invite your single, kind-of single, in a relationship, and married friends. You hear me? Stand your ground god dammit.
Provide Appropriately Themed Food
Now that the guest list is out of the way (what a relief) time to get really creative and thematic when it comes to food. Go to the store and head directly to the food color aisle. Oh shit, they’re out of pink, red, purple, and lavender food coloring? That’s fine. Still buy hummus, chips, 3 frozen pizzas and a fat jar of queso. People are going to be famished and it doesn’t reallllly matter if the bean dip is pink, they’ll still taste the love.
Do NOT forget, however, to buy those disgustingly delicious heart shaped sugar cookies so you can write #singlesquad on them with black frosting once you’re home. What’s that? They’re like $14 for twelve diabetes inducing cookies? Okay fine, go with brownie bites, people love brownie bites.
Pink Cocktails Or Bust
Any Valentine’s Day party worth it’s clout has to have a wide range of pink and red cocktails for guests to enjoy. How else will you get drunk and rage against the relationship machine? Once you finish shopping for food, head straight to the wine section and buy up all the rose you can carry. I mean, unless you have to work on Thursday, in which case you should probably avoid sweet drinks entirely.
Honestly, if we’re being pragmatic (like the responsible, not blinded by love, single people that we are) it’s probably best to purchase a bottle of whisky, a bottle of tequila, and maybe some sparkling water. Hey, you can always come up with a #singlesonly cocktail name like a “ I Can Take Care Of Myself Tequila”!
Or, you know, just call it a Tequila soda. I promise the hangover will still feel the same.
Play Valentine’s Themed Games
This one is super important (especially since you fucked up the above food and drinks!) No one comes to a Valentine’s Day party without an epic array of Valentine’s themed, relationship hating games. My favorites are pin the tail on the hot shirtless celebrity and pet name charades, wherein two teams act out the most gag-worthy nicknames couples call each other. Lindsay will go wild trying to act out “poo bear,” much to your guests chagrin.
It might be helpful, however, to provide your guests with some other options too, just in case they spent all afternoon playing Valentine’s day games and need a small break. I’d suggest poker and any run of the mill non-love themed drinking game. Strip poker is allowed, however. Strip poker is always allowed.
Of course, don’t be upset if no one plays your #singlesonly games! That being said, if you’re offended easily (or have normal friends) it’s probably best not to plan them whatsoever. Just a suggestion.
Now that you have a house full of single, relationship hating friends (plus like all of your other friends and their significant others) it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Now that you have food that has absolutely nothing to do with Valentine’s Day (but the intention was totally there and honestly hummus tastes like hummus no matter what color, so you get a pass), strong alcoholic drinks that (regretfully) are not sweet or thematic but will certainly get the job done, and a slew of regular party games that have nothing to do with February 14th and everything to do with getting drunk (close enough) – you are ready to throw the most epic Valentine’s Day bash of 2k18 to forget all about your loneliness.
Any innocent bystander may say that it’s almost like what I have described above could be mistaken for a regular party on any given Wednesday, without even the slightest nod to romance or lack there of. But that’s just crazy talk.
If you weren’t in the know, you might assume this was just an event wherein you’re surrounded by people you love, delicious food and drinks, and an uncanny ability to celebrate the mere fact that you’re alive via liquor and good times without having to pick a side in support or against this innocent holiday at all.
Some could even argue that, if you squint and truly believe, Valentine’s Day can look and feel however you please. You can feel sad, or in love, or annoyed, or anxious, but that you may forget all those things once you’re distracted by a regular old party.
That’s ridiculous, though. Valentine’s Day is stupid and we should all continue to voice that opinion loudly and with force.
Or you could just throw the above mentioned Valentine’s Day bash and see how it goes from there.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Friends. I, for one, love you all..