I was at a party the other day and saw a guy getting absolutely roasted. We’re talking four dudes relentlessly going in on him to the point of him metaphorically receding into his shell and trying to hide. The dude was backed into a corner, and I don’t like seeing something like that. I jumped to his defense.
“Hey now, hey now, what’s going on here? What are we making fun of Chris for?” I asked, not knowing that I was about to enter one of the most heated arguments that I’d been involved in for the last year.
“When Chris pees, he goes over the fence!” one guy said.
“Okay…as opposed to…?” I asked.
“…Through the gate, dude! Wait…do you pee over the fence too?!”
I do. I’m an over-the-fence guy, always have been. Mostly because I certainly didn’t know there were other options. Either way, what happened next was — somehow or another — both humiliating and educational. This group of dudes proceeded to toss Chris and myself into the frying pan for thirty minutes. No matter how much we fought, it just got worse.
The whole experience got me to thinking, logistically, how does this work? Is one side better than the other? Let’s break this down by definition, cleanliness, efficiency, and freedom of extremities.
Over the Fence
How it works: Unzip/unbutton, drop your pants a few inches, pull your undies down, flip your junk over the waistband, relieve yourself, and then reverse that process.
Cleanliness: If you do it right, you shouldn’t catch a drop on you. However, once the drinks start flowing, you may have to worry a little bit about that waistband sneaking back up and messing with your stream.
Efficiency: Well, based purely on the “How it works” section, there’s a lot going on here. It only gets worse if you’re wearing a suit or tucked in shirt. You’ll probably have to re-tuck, which is just another thing that you have to do before you head over to wash your hands (which you should be doing, you fucking animal).
Freedom of extremities: No, I’m not talking about your wiener. While it depends on your stance, you’re going to have to have one hand guiding your stream and one hand holding your waistband down so that it doesn’t flip back up and make you piss all over the place. Either way, you’re not really going to be able to check your Twitter feed while taking a leak.
Through The Gate
How it works: Unzip your pants, snake it through the fly in your briefs/boxers/jeans. Pee. Pull it back in.
Cleanliness: Since you’re not droppin’ trow a few inches, you have a much bigger target for splash-back to hit. That being said, at least this way there’s no risk of your waistband causing some extra spray.
Efficiency: I’ll admit it. Once I found out that this was an actual way that you could pee, I gave it a shot. Now, when you’re new to it, it’s hard to figure out. That being said, once you’ve done it a few times, I can definitely see this being the more efficient way — as long as you’re wearing a zipper fly. Button flies will make this a huge pain in the ass, borderline not worth it at all. Zip fly? All you have to do is guide it through.
Freedom of extremities: Since you don’t have to worry about holding that waistband down, you have your other hand to do… pretty much whatever you want, honestly. Check Twitter? Fair game. Toss out some swipes on Bumble? Definitely. Put your arm around the dude at the urinal next to you? I mean… you can, but like, don’t do that.
So which one is better? Well, it depends on what you’re into. For me, I’m big on cleanliness. I don’t want to have to worry about getting pee splashes all over my pants, so I’m going to go over the fence. Plus, I don’t have to worry about tucking in my shirt because my office doesn’t have a dress code (#humblebrag).
But I am only one man. What works for me may not work for you. I’m not a closer and therefore don’t have to be on my phone at all times. Maybe you do, and you snake it through the gate. That’s fine. The point is, we don’t need to fight over this.
Unless you drop your pants to the floor a la Donald Duck. Then I have no respect for you. .