This Mother’s Guide For Bringing Your Kid To The Bar Proves You Shouldn’t Bring Your Kid To The Bar

This Mother's Guide For Bringing Your Kid To The Bar Proves You Shouldn't Bring Your Kid To The Bar

I could say a lot of things about what’s appropriate at bars and what’s not appropriate at bars. Hell, I’m probably in the camp of people who have done more of the inappopriate things than appropriate things, but this isn’t about me. This is about those people who can’t seem to figure out the difference between what’s convenient and what’s socially acceptable.

Case in point, this article written for OC Weekly titled, “The Aging Hipster Parent’s Guide For Bringing Your Kids To The Local Craft Brewery.” Me? I have one rule about bringing your kids to a brewery – Don’t. But this writer somehow came up with nine simple rules to follow to ensure you can get drunk with your child in tow. None of which make any sense to me.

Let’s take a look.

Observe a two child minimum. Kids get bored without other kids. Bored kids are bad news. Tell other adults you come with to bring one of their own.

The only thing worse than one kid at the bar is multiple kids. This isn’t Chuck E. Fucking Cheese’s or an FAO Goddamn Schwarz. This is a place where adults go to forget about their problems. And unfortunately, a lot of the time, “problems” is just code word for “kids.”

Strangers will talk to your kids. This is OK. Chatting is what people do at a tavern or tasting room. If that makes you squeamish stay home.

No, strangers talking to my kids would absolutely not be okay. Especially when I’m going to tell my kid, “Never talk to fucking strangers.” Besides the fact that it’s weird, what’s even weirder is the notion that any person at a bar would even want to talk to your offspring while they’re getting low-key faded on some microbrews. If anything, that drunken hippie yucking it up with your toddler is going to teach that little dude some new words that’ll make you never want to bring your kid around that bar again.

Come during daylight hours. Everything is more chill when the sun is up—the crowds, the kids, the attitudes about children in a drinking establishment. Know your time, know your place.

Day drinking with kids always seems like a good idea. Wait, no, it absolutely doesn’t. Day drinking is essentially you just saying, “I’m going to get even more drunk than I would at night because I probably don’t have nearly as much of a base as I need to sustain all these high ABV beers.” The last thing you want is to get a DUI with a stroller hanging out of your trunk and your kid only kind of strapped into his child seat.

Expect to get a few looks. The disdain of the childless is real. They think you’re on their turf. Another thing you won’t understand until you’re a parent. Brush them off.

I’ve got news for you, Walter Cronkite. No one’s looking at your fucking kid. They’re looking at you with disdain for bringing your fucking kid to a bar. When I get sat at Sunday brunch next to a family of four, it completely ruins the experience. Crying goes up, tips go down, and everyone loses. This doesn’t change just because food isn’t involved, so leave the little chumps at home.

This isn’t a playground. No tear-assing around the patio; no climbing gates and terraces and whatever else is around. Don’t forget this.

You know what would make more sense? Oh, I don’t know… taking your kid to a playground where kids are actually supposed to play and spend their free time? Seems like a logical idea to me, but hey, who am I to tell you what to do? I’m just a dude without kids who “won’t understand until I’m a parent” so you can just “brush me off.”

Bring some entertainment. Games and toys are critical for staving off child boredom. Code red situations may require busting out an iPad or a Crossy Road-enabled smartphone.

Major parenting tips: bring your kids to places where people get hammered and distract them by shoving electronics into their faces so they develop no human interaction skills from the earliest age possible. Just what we need in this world, kids on electronics even more.

Bar games are for grownups. Some places have bean bag toss and giant Jenga. It’s fine to play a round or two with the kiddies, but yield to other patrons after that.

Bars are for grownups and games are for kids. I’m in the camp that says both shouldn’t mix. And yes, that means no foosball or oversized Jenga, even for adults. Have a conversation, guys.

Know their limits. Parents know what queues for tiredness, boredom, hunger and temper look like. You know how you give them “five more minutes” at the park? Here’s where you reciprocate.

You’d never imagine a kid getting restless, tired, or bored at a place where nothing is intended for them, would you? Oh, shit, yes, you would. The second you walk in and start yucking it up with your friends, your kid is going to be tugging your pant leg begging you to leave.

Know your limits. It should go without saying, but tasty craft beer is a little sneaky with the ABV. Take it slow and stick to a one-to-one beer/water ratio to be safe.

“No, officer, I’m not drunk. I only had three 7% ABV beers and three waters.”


[via OC Weekly]

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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