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22-year-old John: New year, new me!
28-year-old JR: New year, same me. My back hurts.
John: You know what? This is the year I’m going to get that raise I’ve been wanting. I’ve been at this company for six months and I deserve it.
JR: I’m going to continue to do the least amount of work possible while maximizing the amount of time I can spend outside the office.
John: Oof, put on a little weight since I graduated. Better cut back on the beer and stick to hard liquor for a while.
JR: Guess I’m doing this dry January bullshit again. As soon as February hits, though, I’m going right back to treating my body like a run down Indiana carnival.
John: Maybe I’ll join a local gym so I can get in really good shape for the summer.
JR: I’m going to cancel my gym membership altogether. Who am I kidding anymore?
John: I think it’d be advantageous to learn a new skill this year.
JR: I’ve pretty much given up on learning anything new. Looks like I’ll never own or operate my own grill (shrugs).
John: Do you think there’s time for me to learn a new language? I’ll see how much Rosetta Stone costs… “Can anybody lend me their copy of Rosetta Stone?”
JR: I took three years of German in high school. Still can’t sprechen zie shit.
John: Time to get serious and find a girl I’ll want to marry someday.
JR: I hope I don’t get tricked into getting married this year.
John: Maybe I’ll start traveling! I’ve only ever been to Florida, North Dakota and New York. Basically anywhere close enough for us to drive and sleep in the family van.
JR: I travel way too much for work.
John: Time to open my very first savings account. They say to start saving as early as possible, even though I have over $50K in student loans with an interest rate that took ten years off my father’s life.
JR: Is this the year I finally start saving money? Not if I want to go to Oktoberfest in the fall.
John: It’s really time to disconnect from social media altogether. I should get out there and enjoy myself.
JR: Awesome, The Departed just started. I’d better tweet about it. It’s my favorite movie!
John: Mom’s been telling me I should take up reading. I’ll head to the Borders Books in Lincoln Park and make a bunch of purchases. I’ll keep going back too, there’s no way they’re shutting down for good in six months.
JR: All due respect Mr. Costello? School is out.
John: It’s about time I gave up smoking too. Need to have a clear head to focus on my goals for this year.
JR: “Wait, like completely legal?”
John: The next free weekend I have, I’m going through everything in my apartment and making sure it’s completely organized.
JR: Every three months or so I throw everything I have away and donate half my clothes. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m done with jeans.
John: I need to spend more time with my family. They are the ones I’ll know the longest in my lifetime.
JR: Pretty sure my youngest brother thinks I’m some long haired cousin who stays over for every holiday.
John: Eight hours of sleep a night, gotta make sure I go to bed at a reasonable hour from here on out.
JR: One more episode and I’ll be good. I won’t do anything at work all day tomorrow so four hours of sleep will be fine.
John: Yessir, there’s going to be a lot of changes taking place this year. 2017 is the year of the new and improved John Hickey!
JR: Maybe I should try not to murder anybody this year. .
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
If JR gives up murdering people idk if I’ll keep reading his articles.
In that case…
>28 years old
>doesn’t know how to use a grill
>ok
This really shouldn’t surprise you
As an Indiana native I can say a large amount of people look forward to our State fair- and not just farmers.
Great column as usual.
West coast people must be bewildered by your demeanor.
Resolutions are for those who drink vodka sprites.
Don’t hate on the vodka sprite.
New years resolution: get more Bacon.