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On top of making $50 per hour for the Pure Barre classes she’s been teaching twice a week, her boyfriend-in-waiting, Todd, has been buying all of her dinners and drinks which means the financial benefits of having both a paying hobby and hubby has left a large amount of expendable income burning a hole in the pocket of her new romper. Spending her Saturday morning tidying up around the apartment, she weighs her options of how she can use this superfluous cash — a shopping spree, an apartment upgrade (even though her dad pays for her current one-bedroom anyway), Lollapalooza tickets. The possibilities are endless.
But after signing into Pinterest on her new gold Mac to pass some time while listening to Chet Faker (he’s so edgy), she thinks to herself, “Duh!” as she clicks into her favorite pin board: “wanderlust.”
Filled with photos of every place from Greece to Argentina to The Phi Phi Islands (you know, where Leo’s The Beach was filmed), her mind races with possible destinations. “The last time I used PTO was for my Barre certification, and like, I don’t really care anyway,” she rationalizes to herself as she fervently scrolls through her 4,500 pins.
Clicking out of her “wanderlust.” board, she makes her way over to her “covet.” board where she’s stockpiled everything from flash tattoos to Revolve’s entire line of hippie-chic “I could totally wear this to Saturday at Coachella” outfits. Filled with clothes that look like they were time-warped from the original Woodstock, they’re actually just brand new designer dresses and accessories that will ensure she’s wearing at least $600 worth of clothes while screaming to Kygo at Lolla.
“Ugh, I need to stop, but this dreamcatcher necklace would be everything if I wore it on a beach in Australia with a pair of bleached cut-off jean shorts.”
Opening Instagram, she immediately searches the “#wanderlust” while her heart melts at what could be. After all, the locations are pretty much secondary to the stylistic choices made on the photos at this point. She wants to do it all: geotagging “Not all who wander are lost” rather than an actual location of a nondescript beach, ensuring her sunset peace sign silhouette photo perfectly captures the moment, and getting the perfect jump choreographed for when she’s on a mountaintop in Interlaken. She stands up from her desk chair and does a test jump that wakes Sperry up from his nap, who now needs to go for a walk and won’t stop yipping.
Lacing up her Nike Roche Runs, she heads out the door with Sperry while dialing Caroline to discuss travel plans. Naturally, Caroline loves the idea of planning a trip, and they begin bouncing ideas off each other.
“Well I was thinking we could do our own version of a mission trip in India,” Caroline begins, not thinking twice about how she’ll be shoving her iPhone 6 Plus in the faces of starving babies to get the some photos that’ll break Instagram. “I just think that like, if we’re going to be traveling, we should do it for a greater good,” she continues while daydreaming about all the kaleidoscope maxi dresses she can now justifiably buy.
“Ugh, love love love,” she responds before pitching ideas from a restorative trip to Joshua Tree to swimming with manatees off the Central American coast. “I’ve always wanted to hike the Inca trail to Machu Picchu too. Or like, we can helicopter in because five days of hiking sounds like my own personal hell. I just think it’s so crazy what those Incas did!”
Neither of them listen to each other as they endlessly spitball the ideas while secretly trying to imagine what filters would pair best with Ladurée macaroons in Paris or Maroon Bells in Aspen. Sperry, trying to go to the bathroom, trips over his own feet while attempting to pee despite being dragged across the sidewalk.
“How much are selfie sticks?” Caroline asks.
The conversation comes to a quick halt as her face gets red with excitement. “Oh my God, I literally just passed a flower shop. Let me duck in and see if they make crowns.” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I hope they go to Mexico and get kidnapped by a drug cartel. It’s be just like the Taken movies but no one actually comes to save them.
Not even Todd?
Todd calls her pet names like “babe” and “honey” because he can’t remember her real one.
You are on a fuckin roll chief
It’s sad how accurate these are. I also never understood the romper. They look like shit, the word makes me angry and I imagine you have to take it completely off to take a shit or piss.
I have a love/hate relationship with these columns. The case for love: they’re well written and sadly, accurate, unlike those of the she’s who must not be named. The case for hate: before/during/after reading all I can think about is strangling something, which I guess takes the place of sitting in rush hour traffic on I-35 since I work from home.
Fortunately, Caroline walked into the flower shop from The Town and was never heard from again
This is the new #1 for girls to put in their Tinder profiles, except every photo is a selfie of them in their fucking car.
Parts of this are so accurate that you may have just staged an intervention for me through satire.
Will, I live for this column. Please never stop.
oh no…