======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
She spent her Friday morning the same way she spent every Friday morning over the last few months – slouched on her couch scrolling Instagram. The photo she had posted the night before from a rooftop happy hour with some of her old coworkers was hovering right around 93 likes, and she dreaded that it would remain there if she wasn’t proactive. Switching to Todd’s account to ensure he liked it, she noticed he hadn’t yet so she double-tapped for him to bring it to 94. Out of her friends, she knew exactly which friends had yet to like it – Megan, Victoria, and (of course) Alex.
She double-tapped her home button and switched over to her messages where she scrolled about a month back to reignite their group text.
“Alriiiiiight,” she began. “Which one of you bitches hasn’t liked my Insta yet?”
Just like that, with no text responses, she saw an immediate two likes pop up – Megan and Victoria.
“I’m SO sorry,” Victoria texted. “I’ve been so busy studying for the LSAT that I, like, don’t even have a life anymore.” Her immediate thought was, “Okay, Victoria, we get it, you’re going to be a lawyer, no one cares,” but she knew it was too mean to actually text.
Checking to see if Caroline was on the message thread, she noticed she was and immediately went to start a new text so they could discuss bachelorette party logistics.
She initiated the new group text with an elongated, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii” before immediately following up with another message. “I thought that since none of us really have much going on this weekend, we could grab brunch at some point and talk BaChEloReTte PaRtyyyyy.”
Katie immediately responded, “I was JUST going to pitch this EXACT same idea! #twinsies” Deep down, She knew that Katie had no intentions of actually sending that idea, but she knew Katie was grasping at straws to not fall behind in the race to be the best of the two co-maid of honors.
Following up to Katie before she could assert even more dominance, she typed, “So I was thinking I could make a rezzie at Fork + Spoon for five of us tomorrow morning around… idk, 11?” She knew that Fork + Spoon was the furthest possible place from Katie’s apartment where they could feasibly still get a reservation.
Megan immediately responded, “I could not be more in,” before Alex responded, “Is there any way we can do… a little later? My spin class is at 10:30 and I’d totally go to the earlier one but the instructor of the 9:30 is like my mortal enemy.”
Starting a side text with Megan, She wrote, “Yeah, like Alex spins.. we all saw ur photos from LA last week…” Megan promptly shot back, “hahahaha was thinking the exact. same. thing.”
There was a definite lull in the conversation which clearly meant Katie was having a side conversation with someone. Her immediate thought was that it was with Alex because the only other possible person it could be with was Victoria. After three minutes had passed, Katie finally responded, “I kiiiiind of already made a reservation at Barley & Fern for noon…”
Exiting out of the group text, She immediately texted Megan, “Fucking. Bitch. You KNOW she just went on OpenTable and made that reservation like three minutes ago.”
“Right?” Megan responded. “I think we just do it tho. I haven’t been but I heard their eggs benny is da bomb.”
She transitioned back to the group text and typed, “That totally works for me.” It was her way of being agreeable and not coming off as the “catty” one. Until she began typing another message that read, “I heard it’s gone downhill lately but I’m sure it’ll totally be fine since we’ll be planning for Cabo most of the time anyway.”
Alex chimed in, “That’s like perfect for me.. my spin studio is right there so don’t judge me if i show up with my hair looking like a rat’s nest…”
Megan promptly texted Her in the side text, “yeah, because her hair never looks like it’s in a rat’s nest…”
“Hahahahahahahahaha,” She responded to Megan. “We’re so bad.”
Victoria, who had yet to respond to the brunch invitation despite immediately responding to her previous text about liking her Instagram, was strangely absent from the conversation until she finally sent, “I so would come but I just have to really study this weekend.” Everyone pretty much knew she was using the LSAT as an excuse to do as little planning for Caroline’s bachelorette party as humanly possible, but Katie nicely shot back, “That’s totes fine, we can just go as four.”
Annoyed with how much control Katie had over the entire brunch, She decided to insert herself into the reservation-making and chimed in, “If we need another, I’ll invite Ty. He’s like weirdly amaze at planning this kind of stuff.” Deep down, she knew that having her gay best friend Ty at the brunch would benefit her in the event of a vote which would give her the majority between herself, Megan, and Ty versus Katie and Alex.
Megan sent a side text saying, “Oh, I see what you did there, girl,” and She simply responded with the smirking emoji.
“Perf,” Katie responded to the group. “Can’t wait to see y’all at noon! btw, has Todd started planning John’s bachelor party yet?” .
Featured image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
The reverse of this (guys planning the bachelor party) would be so boring I’d almost be in to read it.
“Hey fuckers, I booked a hotel in Vegas.”
“Cool, what do I owe you?”
“I’ve already charged you on venmo”
“Paid”
“Cool, cya in 4 months”
New York New York, great hotel. Sandwich a 20 between your ID and CC and ask if they have any “complimentary upgrades available”. Should get you a room upgrade. 60% of the time, it works every time.
I have no clue what you just said, but I have the strange urge to punch your face.
“Switching to Todd’s account to ensure he liked it…”
Just when I thought that Todd couldn’t possibly be any more whipped, this bombshell is dropped.
Did she not check out who that Claire girl is that has her account on private? Does Todd know she can get into his account?!
Yeah I don’t know, sounds like deFries has some explaining to do.
I’m assuming if she has access to Todd’s account, she has long since deleted all females from it.
This revelation blew my mind. Is nothing sacred anymore??
This is not a new thing girls do, usually though they get more mature and grow out of this insecure habit. I know I did it a few times between the ages of 18-20
That’s what I’ve heard, but has there been anything to suggest that Girl is mature OR secure?
What if Todd has a burner phone…….
oh shit… or his work phone? A second e-mail?
save.sperry@gmail.com
This is a fucking arms race to be Maid of Honor. The Cold War of bachelorette parties
Killed it in the brunch spot names.
I would quit my job today if I could read The Chronicles of Todd: Bachelor Party right now
“Todd, your bachelor party, like, cannot be more fun than my bachelorette party!!! Why are you always trying to UNDERMINE ME!?!”
Honestly, I’m surprised by this point Girl hasn’t tried to make it a joint bachelor/bachelorette party so she can keep an eye on Todd.
But then we wouldn’t get The Chronicles of Todd: Bachelor Party.
Don’t even tease us with that, Will.
Will, you beautiful bastard you. Need this sooner than later
I just got WAY too excited upon reading that comment
Free Sperry
I’m thinking Claire needs to make an appearance at John’s bachelor party, for all our sake.
Claire should run into Todd and the guys while she’s with a bachelorette party, in Vegas.
ThisthisthisthisTHIS
Hopefully Claire is a stripper and this happens.
There is more backstabbing and side conversations in TGDAG than in Game of Thrones.