======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Things with Todd P. are going swimmingly: they’ve gone on three dates, he normally responds within ten minutes of her texts, and he even mentioned that he’s going to The Hamptons with his parents in a month (which just feels like an invite). Unfortunately, he’s out of town this weekend so their three-weekend streak of going to second base has to come to an end.
But when Caroline texts her about her plans this weekend, she oh-so-naughtily responds with, “Well, Todd’s out of town and you know what they say: while the cat’s away, the mice will play.”
And we all know what that means: brunch.
It all begins in the group text she has with Caroline, Katie, Megan, Victoria, and Alex. Caroline will surely want to go as she is the most “grown-up” in the group, and Katie’s boyfriend is also out of town this weekend which means she’s going to be game. Meanwhile, Megan and Victoria are coming off a bachelorette party in Scottsdale from last weekend, so it’s not likely they’ll do much the Friday night prior. No one’s talked to Alex (“Seriously, why is she even in this group text?”) in over a month, and she probably wouldn’t be invited otherwise if not for the fallout there’d be if she happened to see the Instagrams.
“Heyyyyyyy, Caroline and I were talking about going to Whitlow Café for brunch this Saturday – who’s in?!”
“Ermahgerd! Sooooo in!” Victoria quickly fires back.
“Loves loves loves,” Katie responds, but only because Victoria seemed so excited. Katie and Caroline haven’t spoken since Caroline Irish-exited the happy hour for Molly’s boyfriend John’s birthday party.
Of course, Megan says she can go, but clarifies that she has a mani/pedi on the east side of town that morning. After all, Megan assumed that she’d be taking it easy this weekend after she blacked out and drunk-dialed her crush, Tim, nine times from Scottsdale last weekend.
A separate iMessage thread is exchanged between Victoria and Katie starts: “Oh, great, we get to plan our brunch around Megan’s fucking pedicure appointment,” Victoria starts. “Just what I wanted to do, plan my weekend around the girl who still has Scaries over drinking too much and embarrassing herself last weekend.”
Victoria then chimes back into the group text, “Megan, no probs! When’s your appointment? I can really go whenever.”
“Megan’s appointment better be before fucking 11 or else we’ll never get a booth at Whitlow,” Katie adds to the side conversation with Victoria. Meanwhile, Alex hasn’t responded to anyone which is a blessing and a curse. If she doesn’t come, great, but as Megan says to Victoria, “If that bitch fucks up our schedule, I swear to God.”
The group text lights up again. “Well my appt is at 10:30 but I can just join y’all after,” Megan selfishly explains, but even Alex could tell you that Whitlow Café doesn’t seat incomplete parties. This response prompts an iMessage full of red-faced pouting Emojis in Victoria and Katie’s side conversation.
Secretly wishing Todd would be there to show off to everyone, our love-sick damsel does what no one else wants to do: asks Megan if she can move her appointment. Scared for their lives, Katie and Victoria (seriously, where is Alex?) look at their phones waiting for a response from Megan who must be fuming. The glaring lack of a “…” iMessage bubble is the elephant in the virtual room.
“Ugh, I should not have sent that,” she thinks to herself as a text from Katie comes in outside of the group text. “She’s either changing her appointment or just never talking to you again,” Katie says half-joking but half-counting her blessings that she wasn’t the one to ask Megan to move her appointment.
Everyone’s phone lights up simultaneously with a message from Megan after a chilling 13-minute stint in text purgatory. “Okay, so I pretty much had to beg the receptionist but she moved my appointment to 9 so I can probably be there at 11.”
Another side group message starts between everyone but Alex and Megan. “Did she just say ‘probably be there’ or am I going cray?” Victoria begins. “Like I saw her nails in Scottsdale last weekend and they’re beyond saving at this point, tbh.”
“(Cryface Laughing Emoji) x 5,” Caroline responds.
Being the mediator of the group, our story’s heroine takes back to the group message with, “K, lets just all meet at Whitlow at like 11:15? Bottomless mimosas go until 2 so there’s no rush, amiright?”
A flood of “perf”, “k”, and “works for me!” comes in and the impossible has seemingly been done. “Wait, is this for real?” she thinks to herself as she writes “BRUNCH!!!” in her Vera Bradley planner that her dad got her for Valentine’s Day as he thought she’d be alone.
“Love, love, love!” she says as the conversation concludes. She walks into her kitchen to make her kale and goji berry smoothie when ten minutes later she hears her text tone. Skipping over to her phone thinking it’s a sweet nothing from Todd, she reads Alex’s name in her notifications: “Heyyyyyyy, I’m so in! Mind if I bring this guy Tyler I’ve been seeing for the last couple weeks? He’s a doll!”
She drops the phone on her vintage Icelandic sheepskin rug from Etsy.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Please God tell me “Tyler” is Todd
I read every one of these with the stupidest grin – story of every basic chick I have ever met
Incredibly accurate, but they’re “not like other girls.”
Over at TFM, J Train wrote a very insightful and on point article called, “You Like Game of Thrones so You Can Tell People You Like Game of Thrones.” I feel like, in the early part of this decade, brunch has become similar. People go to brunch, in part so that they can tell people about their brunch (and/or post photos on social media). We get it every 20 something on Facebook. You’re young and urban and hip. No one cares anymore.
I’m just happy that a trend has started where I can easily get breakfast food after 12, and be rewarded with bottomless mimosas for doing it.
Shark Week has that same effect. It’s “hip” to get excited about shark week and then not watch any of it. I don’t understand the psychology behind it. When girls bring up the “pizza, wine, and netflix” combo in a sad attempt at humor and self-deprecation, like they always do, I feel like it’s similar to the shark week thing. Like, are you really longing for pizza, wine, and netflix like you do it regularly, or do all of your friends say the same thing so you do the same to fit in.
How dare you insult Game of Thrones.
I’m trying to figure out when Ranch actually insulted the show.
Don’t miss the forest for the trees.
Except Game of Thrones is actually amazing. Paying hand over fist for a couple eggs and spiked OJ though, better off not thinking about it.
Terrifyingly accurate.