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She rolled over off of her left shoulder and onto her right. Her iPhone alarm had already sounded, but she must’ve hit “off” rather than “snooze” in her attempt to get an extra nine minutes of sleep. Those nine minutes turned into a lethargic 45-minute rest that culminated with Sperry licking her face.
“Sperrrrrrrry,” she labored, “Stoppppppppppp ittttttttttttt.”
Todd had let Sperry out before he headed to work an hour-and-a-half earlier, but he must have forgotten to fill the food bowl on this particular day. Hopping off the side of the bed, a small bark forced her to lift her head off the pillow. She tapped her iPhone’s home button to reveal that it was 9:15.
As she passed the mirror in their living room, she could see the wrinkles of her down pillow still plastered to her cheek. Her hair was bunched in the back and she wore nothing but an oversized shirt of Todd’s that he knew he’d never get back from her.
“Alright, Sperry,” she said while dumping some dry food into the bowl, “Breakfast time.”
Moments after, she picked up the remote control that sat on their island only to turn on LIVE with Kelly and Ryan. She didn’t particularly like the show, but it made for good background noise while she made her morning coffee and smoothie.
Taking out her Aeropress from underneath the counter, she noticed that it was still somewhat wet from Todd using it earlier that morning. Eww, she thought before grabbing a dish rag and wiping it down.
She took two scoops of Organic, Rainforest Alliance, Fair Trade Certified and Whole Trade Guaranteed coffee that she’d Instacarted from Whole Foods earlier that week and dumped them into the top of the Aeropress. Sperry, at this point, had finished the food and jumped atop the couch seemingly watching the television.
Now where’d I put that ashwagandha? she wondered while cutting a slab of butter. Todd had asked her countless times before what “ashwagandha” actually was, and honestly, she wasn’t quite sure. She had purchased it on Goop, but other than knowing it was some sort of antioxidant, she really didn’t know what it did or how it worked.
Dumping a spoon full into an empty mason jar over the MCT Oil and butter that she’d already put in, she then began to pour water over the grounds before pressing down and squeezing the coffee through the filter. “Whew,” she said to Sperry, “That was a tough one!”
Sperry’s ears perked up only to readjust on the couch and make a bed out of the blanket that rested there unfolded.
Opening the freezer, she was surprised to see that it was strangely empty for a Wednesday. She normally orders groceries on Monday nights, and she couldn’t remember whether or not she had already used all the fruit she’d frozen for smoothies. Rifling through soups and chilis she had frozen months before but was too lazy to throw out, she finally walked to her bedroom and grabbed her phone.
“Did you take all the fruit out of the freezer?” she texted Todd.
It was now 9:37 a.m. which meant Todd was likely in his regularly scheduled team meeting.
“Well, fuck,” she muttered while walking back into the kitchen.
Frustrated, she turned Kelly and Ryan off and connected her phone to their Bluetooth speakers to play her regular schedule of morning podcasts. She begins with NPR’s “Up First” and follows up with The New York Times’s “The Daily.” Todd had recommended she start listening to them to become more informed with the world’s current events, but normally she’d tune them out or switch to “The Bitch Bible” instead. This week’s was about wine tasting and dating red flags.
“I guess mama is going to have to settle for some kombucha with her coffee instead of a smoothie,” she said aloud. “Isn’t that right, Sperry?”
She had considered making her own kombucha for months but hadn’t taken the dive to acquiring or making her own scoby yet. She and Caroline once met over coffee about starting their own kombucha brand, but it fell flat when the conversation devolved when they began looking through a wedding hashtag only to talk shit about all the bridesmaid dresses.
Her nail picked at the plastic wrapping around her GT’s Gingerade before finally breaking the seal. With her coffee now cool enough to drink, she brought both over to the couch and sat down with Sperry. Unlocking her iPad, she opened her email a shade before 10 o’clock.
“Bed, Bath, and Beyond? Delete. Lulu? Delete. Nordstrom? Ugh, I thought I unsubscribed from them after that whole Melania thing.”
She looked to the coffee table and saw the steam coming from her mug. She knew it wasn’t Instagram post-worthy, but it was at least worth a story. Positioning herself on the opposite side of the table so she could fit Sperry into the shot, she crouched with her phone and took a Portrait Mode photo – the coffee and kombucha in the foreground, Sperry in the background.
Sitting back down on the couch, she swiped through three different filters before settling on the one that looked the most faded and whimsical. Using the pink marker tool, it took her four attempts to perfectly write “mornings” in cursive before opting to simply type “with this one” in normal font. After posting, she took her first sip of the gingerade and saw her phone light up.
“Yeah,” Todd’s text began. “I was in a rush so I made a smoothie and headed out – hope that’s okay.”
She audibly sighed in frustration before setting her phone down and picking her iPad back up. She didn’t think his actions warranted a response.
After typing the letter “b” into her browser’s address bar, Betches popped up. She hoped to find more about Robby from The Bachelorette cheating, but was upset to see just a recap of the iPhone X. She had spent the morning watching the Apple presentation the day before, so she locked her iPad in frustration before her phone vibrated once more.
“Do we have any plans this Saturday?” Todd asked. “John and Caroline just broke Whole30 and want to know if we want to go tailgating with them.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Would be very smart for Girl to unsubscribe from the failing @Nordstrom, but it is my wonderful daughter Ivanka that has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a truly great person — always pushing me to do the right thing. Terrible!…Fake News source @nypost once falsely reported that Trump likes to get of bed around 5:30am. This is just untrue, people. Trump rises as early as 4:00am to stay on top of the Fake News Media and deliver great deals to the American people. Fascinating to watch people writing books and major articles about me and yet they know nothing about me & have zero access. SAD!..Now Girl doesn’t even open her email before 10am and spends her morning instagramming – What? Girl’s slow and ineffective morning routine is about as LAZY as House Republican who refuse to act on Trump’s agenda. With Irma and Harvey devastation, Tax Cuts and Tax Reform is needed more than ever before. Go Congress, go! #MAGA
How has it been 38 min and he has only 16 upvotes? Did a bot start downvoting him too?
I think you have to have an account to be able to up vote now.
Correct. After The Great Downvote Debable of 2017, you can only upvote/downvote if you’re logged into an account. Ideal? No. Necessary? Yes. Do I miss realDonaldTrump being at like 500? Even more yes.
This. It’s really throwing me off how the stats have changed…
Probably, his post from last week got 1100 downvotes.
I worry about the mental health of whoever is doing this because they clearly have to spend a non-zero amount of time paying attention to trump’s twitter account, which sounds terrible, to be this good at this. Stay safe rDT. Stay safe.
Unless it’s actually the POTUS himself. I mean it does say he’s “real.”
Every time I try to upvote or downvote someone it tells me to check my internet connection and nothing happens
Same with mine.
You keep going
The alternative Donald Trump please stop
Sperry sounds like such a good dog. Can’t believe Todd forgot to fill his bowl. Douche
He didn’t forget, he didn’t do it to force her to get out of bed.
Or he did it and Sperry already ate, just wanted more. The ‘divorced parents’ method.
You’re right, that’s what happen. Sperry is one smart dog.
Damn right. Smart and good looking. I’m the whole package.
“Organic, Rainforest Alliance, Fair Trade Certified and Whole Trade Guaranteed”
Utterly Painful to read.
Other than fruit and coffee I had no idea any of that was actual food
Hitting “off” rather than “snooze” on the alarm is the most relatable thing Girl has ever done.
About G-D time there was one of these that I got featured prominently in. Well done.
Ask and you shall receive! Todd and Will both caving to enough pressure.
The biggest thing I took from this is that her alarm is for 8:30
Must be nice
In fairness if I’m her I have no alarm.
My girlfriend said she woke up so early yesterday. It was at 8:30….
That’s my sleeping in….
… that alarm is earlier than mine.
She does nothing all day every day but still finds it necessary to order groceries instead of going to the store..
If Todd proposed at a tailgate/ football game I would be so happy.
Next week: Todd gets drunk and tells John about asking Girl’s dad, John is drunk so he tells Caroline, Caroline is also drunk and tells Girl.
She’d probably dump him if he did that
If Todd doesn’t propose by tying a ring around my neck then he’s an even bigger idiot than I thought. (Entirely possible).
But then she would complain that there were dog germs on the ring…
I can’t even imagine how fucking nice it must be to sleep in and not have any commitments or obligations day in and day out. God I hate her.
Sounds pretty awful actually TBH. I’d go nuts after week one.
I don’t know what 75% of these words mean except that they sound insufferable