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The following is a transcript of a text conversation with Caroline regarding Alex that took place Tuesday morning.
Girl: Can I ask you something?
Caroline: Le duh. What’s up?
Girl: OMG have you seen Alex lately?
Caroline: I feel like she’s just always traveling
Girl: If you’ve talked to her lately, I won’t get mad, promskis. I, like, get that you’re friends. And I, like, totally respect that.
Caroline: I mean, we went out for dollar oysters and champs last week, why?
Girl: Okay, like, this is going to sound so bitchy…
Caroline: omg, I can’t wait for this *Rose-Colored Cheeks Emoji*
Girl: Is she getting, like, SO skinny?
Caroline: I. Was. Going. To. Ask. You. The. Same. Thing.
Girl: Right? It’s like… does she even eat anymore?
Caroline: She did say she was full after, like, two oysters… *Monkey Covering Mouth Emoji*
Girl: Are you serial right now?
Caroline: I know, like, we KNOW she’s not engaged to Trip so it’s not like she’s getting skinny for a wedding any time soon…
Girl: lolololol we’re soooooo baddddddddddddd.
Caroline: What? I mean…it’s true…
Girl: I mean, we get it, Alex, you have a trust fund… but does she really have to post all those photos of her from Coachella looking like that?
Caroline: You could like see her rib in that last photo on insta where she has the crop top on.
Girl: I know, right? Jesus, like eat 12 hamburgers immediately.
Caroline: Maybe it’s the medicine she’s on for her “migraines”?
Girl: Like, if it is… how can I get some?
Caroline: Hahahahaha right?
Girl: I’m like so fat rn, it’s disgusting. Todd probably thinks he’s dating a whale lol.
Caroline: Shut the fuck up, Ms. Pure Barre. Your arms are twigs and everyone knows it.
Girl: Caroline, everyone knows you’ve lost weight too since you’ve been dating John. It’s like the opposite of putting on happy weight. Are you losing for something? You know… like a wedding?
Caroline: omg stop. John and I are, like, so far from that it’s not even funny.
Girl: Ughhhhh. Alex is such a bitch for losing 10 lbs.
Caroline: I hate her. But I also secretly want to know how the hell she did it.
Girl: I saw Megan’s snap from the other day and it literally looked like Alex ordered a burger. What the literal?!?
Caroline: omfg I saw that too!
Girl: Trip probably loves how skinny she is. I was like a stick when we dated and now I’m a fucking whale.
Caroline: You’re NOT fat!
Girl: Ugh, whatever. If I don’t lock it down soon, I’m going to be the biggest one at Sarah’s bachelorette in June.
Caroline: Stoppppppp itttttttt, you’re like Little Miss #FitChick
Girl: With Todd going to The Derby next week, I’m just going to like not drink until Memorial Day in Napa.
Caroline: Ugh, did I tell you that John is going now too?
Girl: lolol are you serious? should we be scared?
Caroline: They’ll behave themselves if they know what’s good for them. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Here is as good of a place as any to say this – there won’t be a TGDAG next week.
In its place will be a three-part series spanning Tuesday-Thursday titled, “The Chronicles Of Todd: The Kentucky Derby.”
In the words of Caroline: YAAAAAASSSS
This made me rapidly experience a range emotions I’m not ready to understand.
Biggest roller coaster of emotions I’ve experienced since the Great Chipotle Ebola Epidemic of 2015
I think my heart just skipped a beat.
Todd: “Fuck, dude what did I get myself into with this chick?”
John: “Should I be worried about the same with Caroline?”
Todd: “One million percent yes”
#weekendgirlfriends
via GIPHY
The spin off we have been waiting for!
I’ve dreamt about two things in my lifetime:
1. DC sports championship
2. Todd and John spinoff
I feel like this is the only dream that will ever come true and I thank you.
OMG, like, amaze!
-Girl, and also me.
Which hopefully leads back into a “TGDAG: Drink Wine and Eat Ice Cream While Watching Love Actually” to get over their exes that “weren’t right for them anyway”
I have not been able to contain my smile since reading this. Don’t really know how to explain to people at work that I’m excited about the fictional road trip of a dude that’s about to cut LOOSE.
Will we see a spin-off outlining Sperry attempting to escape from the girl’s apartment while Todd is gone?
YAAAAAASSSS GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL, CHILL.
This gave me hope. Thank you Chill, thank you.
Going to Oaks and Derby next week. I wish I could actually meet Todd and John. They could be clutch adds to boys weekend.
I cant like this enough!
sidenote: I nailed the 420 mark.
Yesssssss!!
My actual excitement for this is borderline-embarassing, to be honest.
the ‘nice work’s jumped over 80 for this comment in the time it took me to read the article, you Chill DeBreeze are doing something right.
I am currently stranded on the side of a road in a broken down truck. I was furious until about 30 seconds ago when I read this comment. Thank you for making life a little less miserable right now
I think the Derby is on the 7th this year, Will. Might want to look into that…
Meh me all you want but it’s hard to fictionally go to something that hasn’t yet happened in real life.
Also, Todd and John should go to the Oaks on Friday. Just as much fun as Saturday and easier to get tickets for actual seats.
Alex is definitely doing coke.
Still would
“Would”-ing a fictional character based purely off her description. PGP.
Steal a racehorse Todd. After the race take Alex to pound town on its back.
I just busted out laughing at my desk and now everyone is giving me strange looks
Things Todd Does After Graduation: Fake Death at Churchill Downs and start a new life in Louisville
Will, can you promskis that Todd and John do something amazing and regrettable at the Derby
No, it’s just going to be them discussing how much they miss their girlfriends.
That sounds chill
http://giphy.com/gifs/Brzh4okO68uzK/html5
I’d imagine Todd is giving Alex quite the workout.
Todd and John are gonna party with Wes Welker
via GIPHY
Hearing their voices in my head as I read this is like nails on a chalkboard.
I have said this more than once, but Will does such a good job making the girl and Caroline the worst. It’s a real gift.
I thought Todd was the medicine for Alex’s migraines…?
I really hope John and Todd muster up some mint julep-infused courage and make their respective drunken breakup calls after winning big at Churchill Downs.