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She rolled over and nudged Todd. It was a touch after 3 a.m. and he was fast asleep with his back turned to her. Rolling over barely opening his eyes, he asked, “Is everything okay? Does Sperry need to go out?”
“Todd,” she groaned with the noticeable sound of something in her throat, “I think I’m dying.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked again.
Before she could respond, she quickly got out of bed and walked directly to the bathroom with her hand covering her mouth. What transpired was something Todd had seen before, but only after nights out that involved tequila or lemon drop shots. With his hand on his forehead, he looked down at her as she hunched over the toilet and threw up the entirety of the sweet potato, quinoa, and kale salad she had made for dinner earlier in the night.
“Just let me know if you need anything, okay?” Todd told her while fastening his scarf. “I’ll be home at lunch with some soup and Pedialyte.”
The only inkling of confirmation she gave was a subdued grunt. Still in her pajamas sprawled across their bed, Todd set a large tupperware bowl down next to her in case of emergency. She rolled over as he exited the apartment and headed for work.
As she sat in bed with season six of Friends playing at the lowest possible volume, she wondered what she had. Deep down, she knew it was the flu but she didn’t want to admit to herself that she needed to go to the doctor. Furthermore, she was gravely concerned with how her newfound sickness was going to affect the coming days — Did she need to cancel her spin classes and her hair appointment? Would she have to miss out on the $5 martinis and $1 oysters at happy hour with Caroline? Would she be able to go to Alex’s jewelry party on Friday night?
Mustering all the strength she could possibly find, she peeled herself out of bed and walked gingerly to the kitchen while wearing only an oversized t-shirt that she’d stolen from Todd before they lived together. She opened the refrigerator only to discover a week-old bottle of fresh orange juice from Whole Foods. Unsure of the expiration, she put the bottle directly to her lips and took three large sips before beginning to gag again.
Knowing that she had spent the entire night throwing up everything she had eaten the day prior, she wondered if it would be prudent to force down some food. Her eyes looked toward her Vitamix and wondered if she could find the willpower to make a smoothie, but completing such a task would be her own personal Mount Everest.
Instead, she took a handful of organic blueberries and raspberries and put them in a small bowl. Returning to her bed, she felt her forehead to see if she had a fever — a pointless task considering she was sweating profusely despite her their apartment’s Nest being set at a cool 68-degrees.
She set the bowl of berries down on her bedside table and picked up her phone.
“Caroline,” she began typing, “I think I’m dying.”
Caroline was normally quick to respond while at work. She normally split her time between looking up recipes, talking to friends on Google Hangouts, and online shopping. If anything, receiving a text was a good break from the monotony of passing the time at her desk.
“What’s wrong?!” she responded before following up with, “Tbh, I feel like shit too — mama had a little too much cab last night.”
“I think I have the flu,” she shot back hoping to get some pity. To really drive the point home, she took an intentionally bad selfie that made her literally look like she was dying. After drowning out some of the color using a filter in VSCO, she sent it to Caroline with the caption, “send help.”
“You poor thing!” Caroline sent back. The last thing Caroline wanted to do was go over to their disease-infested apartment, but she knew that she officially had no choice. “Can I bring you anything?!”
Please say no, please say no, please say no, Caroline repeated in her head before her phone lit up.
“I mean, I was going to Favor an açai bowl but I wouldn’t say no to you bring me one.”
“Dammit,” Caroline thought.
Still in bed waiting for Caroline to respond, she reached over and picked a single blueberry out of the bowl only to set it back down for fear of not being able to take it down. Her hand slightly shook while leaning and attempting to pick up her phone to see what Caroline had responded.
“I can come by at lunch?” she texted back with extreme hesitation.
“Would you please?” She then typed in her completed order and hit send before slamming her head back down on her down pillow.
Zapped of any energy, she couldn’t decide whether or not she should cover herself with her comforter or use less of a blanket. Her body temperature was in flux and the sound of Chandler Bing’s jabs on the television was making her head hurt even more than it originally did when she woke up. She considered Googling “can you die from the flu” but she remembered seeing something on the Daily Mail’s Snapchat story about how the flu was worse this year than others.
With extreme reluctance, she yet again pulled out her phone and queued up her iMessage conversation with Todd.
“Todd…” she sent with her first message. “I’m not going to die, am I?”
Normally, Todd has his phone facedown on his desk during working hours but he knew that he needed to be available in case of emergency. Responding immediately back, he assured her that she was not, in fact, going to die. “It’s just the flu,” he said. “If you’re not feeling better around lunch, we’ll get you in to see a doctor.”
But before she could read his message, another from Caroline came in — “Alright, I just placed your order and will pop over in just a few on my break.”
She smiled, but not as big as she would smile moments later when Caroline followed up.
“And tbh, just think of how skinny you’re about to be when this is all over. I’m actually jealous.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Was praying for morning sickness… baby bump at the wedding is probably too much to ask for though.
Girl offspring potentially making an appearance nine months from now…on October 31…damn Will is too good.
Where is President Trump to confirm she is pregnant?
I’m guessing he was tired from prepping and giving the SOTU
Todd’s pull out game strong
Can’t believe she thought she has the flu than goes and drinks straight out of the oj
That deeply upset me. Todd is gonna have to go full surgical scrubs to survive in that disease infested, Pinterest-decorated hell hole.
I’m pretty sure pregnancy isn’t contagious.
You are correct, pupper!
It just reiterates how awful of a human being she is
At this point, this surprises you how?
At this point this surprises you how?
Okay, the fact that a tupperware bowl is being used for emergencies is deeply upsetting. Rather than, you know, a trash can or bag.
Easier to rinse and then sanitize in the dish washer, I use a Pyrex bowl sometimes. And yes I hate myself for defending this move.
So do you dump the contents in the kitchen sink or toilet? Seems risky… Waste basket + trash bag is definitely the move so you can get it in the trash outside as quickly as possible after the fact.
Dump in toilet, rinse in bathtub and then toss in the dishwasher. I’ve got it down to a science at this point.
This makes it sound like you are throwing up all the time?
Vomiting is my life response to anything: drinking, shrooms, plane rides, car rides, stress, any illness. It’s a wonder I’m not significantly thinner than I am. Would not recommend, just the cards I’ve been dealt. Aim is impeccable after all my college drinking tho.
Can confirm. Easier to dump every time in the toilet and wash with hot water for 10 minutes later when it’s inevitably needed again. I don’t want to sit with a trash can full of puke next to me all day, and I’m also not going to throw out 1000 trash bags every time I need to use it.
I am shook. Maybe they are the kind of people who don’t put bags in their trash cans, the kind I don’t associate with.
This might be the single most upsetting thing I’ve ever read in this series.
I recall her worst move with culinary tools was opening a online shopping package with a Wusthof knives.
She’s pregnant.
Starting this week’s post strong with a mention of me…I approve
Let’s be honest, $5 martinis and $1 oysters is a priority that should only be missed under dire circumstances.
She may be insufferable, but at least she knows a good time when she sees one.
Roger Sterling coming in with a hot take
Pearl Dive on 14th has a stellar $5 rosé and half priced oyster Happy Hour. Martini’s are $7, but vodka only…
Im down if you are
don’t hate me, but my college bar of choice had 25 cent oysters and 2 dollar margaritas so
Fingers crossed for Ebola!
Caroline will have a field day if there’s a bastard baby
“OMG have you considered Snow for a name?”
I honestly want to know if this is an accurate reflection of a competition between girls, or if it is exaggerated for comedic effect
I’m trying to decide if I’m more upset about how she’s still unemployed and how she feels this flu will impact her week of not working, or the fact that she’s got a vitamix while I’m still rocking a magic bullet from my college dorm room days.
I don’t know how I can go spend $60 on drinks like it’s nothing but I’ve been using our a potato masher + our immersion stick blender in place of an actual blender or food processor for three years.
New roommate just moved in. She asked if I had a fully stocked kitchen and I accidentally laughed in her face.
all of the above.
No way she has the flu. If you have the flu, an açai bowl is the last thing you want to eat.
Source: have had the flu before, username is that of a famous “scientist.”
To be fair, we’re dealing with a marketing major here.