Things Girls Do After Graduation: Be A Bridesmaid

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: Be A Bridesmaid

Hungover, she rolls over in bed and looks at Todd.

“What time is it?” barely comes out of her mouth as Todd grabs his phone that’s on a charger that’s not even plugged into the wall.

“7:55, what time do you have to start getting ready?” Todd responds while rubbing his eyes.

She jumps out of bed and runs into the hotel bathroom frantically collecting all of her things. “FUCK. Katie is going to fucking kill me if I’m late.” She grabs her day bag and starts piling everything in while Todd sits in bed trying to figure out the television menu so he can watch SportsCenter.

“Where the hell are my shoes for tonight, Todd?”

“Uh… wha… I don’t know?” He hard gulps and knows he’s in trouble.

She looks at him with disdain as if he’s supposed to keep tabs on all of her belongings. After muttering something about how he’s of no help, she runs out the door to make the Uber XL that Caroline had called minutes earlier. All wearing matching baby blue monogrammed Oxfords that Katie had found inspiration for on Pinterest, they arrive at the salon ten minutes late.

The salon, which was rented out for the morning, has been catered by a local bake shop with all the fixings for a brunch that could only be described as, “so bad.” There’s a table set up with croissants, biscottis, and cinnamon rolls all next to a make-your-own mimosa bar with freshly squeezed blood orange juice that the bride looks longingly at for the duration of the morning.

Feeling some type of guilt because the bride has been on a strict “no food” diet for the past four weeks, all of the bridesmaids sneak bites of their cinnamon rolls and sips of their barely orange mimosas while the photographer sets up. Immediately upon the photographer announcing that he’s ready to shoot, everyone disposes of their carbs and goes directly into “laugh and sip champagne” mode without batting a fake eyelash.

“Don’t look at the camera, don’t look at the camera,” she thinks to herself while sitting up straight and sticking her chin out for fear of looking like she has more than one. When it becomes her turn to get her hair done, she smiles at the bride and mouths, “So excited!” even though the bride won’t let her choose her hairstyle, nor has she paid for any of the bridesmaids’ ugly up-dos.

Mid-way through her hair, she texts Todd before realizing that Todd is eating lunch at the hotel bar with all of the other plus-ones.

“You’re drinking, aren’t you?” she asks before Todd confirms that he is, indeed, having a beer with lunch. While mad, it’s not because Todd is drinking so early. It’s because she’s jealous that he’s enjoying himself in a casual situation as opposed to fake smiling for a bunch of photos that she’s not the center of attention in. While she was going to apologize for getting upset about him not locating her shoes earlier that morning, that apology is officially off the table.

Two hours later, Todd asks what their status for the day is but she can’t respond as they’re taking photos prior to the ceremony. Despite the fact that Katie had clearly used her as her last pick to be one of the bridesmaids, she stands as close as possible to Katie — closer than the maid of honor and any of the family — throughout the afternoon to get as much of the spotlight as possible.

“You look so gorgeous,” she tells the bride despite knowing that the stress on the bride’s face is showing through in every photo as the ceremony is just minutes away. Pulling her phone out of her clutch, she sees Todd’s inquisitive text for the first time and asks what he’s up to but gets no response.

A hundred yards away, she sees everyone entering the church for the ceremony. “I swear to God, if they’re late,” she begins saying to the maid of honor, Megan. “I mean, honestly, where the hell could they be?” She puts her phone back in her clutch after getting a “What The Hell Are You Doing On Your Phone Right Now?” look from Katie.

Lining up in the entryway of the church to prepare for the most important moment of her friend’s life, she peers into the congregation hoping to see Todd. But she sees nothing, because he’s nowhere to be found.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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