Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. Well, probably because I’m from a county directly north of Manhattan and didn’t become a seasoned veteran of this concrete jungle until now after living here for two years.
That being said, you won’t catch me claiming to be from New York City like the people that live 45 minutes from Boston who claim to be “from Boston.” Nonetheless, walking the streets involves people watching and with people watching comes noticing patterns. As you notice these patterns of certain pedestrians in New York City, you start to realize how dumb people really truly are.
So here is a definitive list of the worst people in New York City. Trigger warning: I have egregious, cynical takes on this particular subject.
I will preface this by saying I bet I look like an absolute moron while traveling to other countries and taking pictures of shit that people walk by every day on their way to work. But, you know what the difference between Il Duomo in Florence or The Colosseum and Trevi Fountain in Rome (or any historic building in any European country) and a random fucking high rise along Park Avenue in New York City is? Historical significance, that’s what. They don’t have organized tours around a random New York City apartment building. What these tourists take pictures in front of are not historical, nor do they have any importance other than housing the inhabitants of the city.
Even worse is the fact that they stop in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk that has thousands of pedestrians on it to do so. I can confidently say it’s pure common sense to not stand still for more than one second on the street in Manhattan. Why? Because oh, I don’t know, the thousands of people rushing up and down the streets will bury you without a second thought.
I get it, and I’m all for exercising and staying active/in-shape. But if you ride a bike in New York City, fuck you. Plain and simple. There are some exceptions; professionals getting to and from work via CitiBike or a bike of their own (this is the fastest and cheapest way around Manhattan), and delivery people. That’s it, and there are no more exceptions. If you get dressed up in workout clothes and have that skinny-wheeled bike to go on a “ride” through the streets of New York, you are objectively a shween.
Now, to the runners. If you run up and down 5th Avenue, Broadway or any other main street crowded with people, you are an absolute joke. No debating this one either. You are a literal joke. Actually, come to think about it, those leggings, neon green running shoes, obnoxious Oakleys and no-shirt don’t make you look like an asshole at all. So, please, continue to act like you don’t want everyone walking past you to gawk at you.
If you want to bike/run along the FDR or West Side Highway, that’s cool – go nuts. However, if you are reading this and you fit the description, I hate to break it to you. I’m not the only one that feels this – everyone hates you. Pedestrians and drivers alike. As a matter of fact, I can say that the lines I have penned in the two above paragraphs are sheer fact.
The Slow Walker AKA Person On Their Phone
It is the general consensus that most people in New York City are in a rush. The stereotype is true. So, if you’re walking slowly, that means you are pissing everyone off. A swift pace isn’t too much to ask. If you’re on a busy street and are moving at a pace slower than “get out of the way,” odds are you’re making everyone around you upset.
If you’re on your phone, this is even worse. You looking down at your phone will only make you slower and more unaware of your surroundings. You know what will happen then? You will get bundled by a fast walking, aware pedestrian or walk into one of the many other people walking while not on their phones. Take this as a warning and don’t be that person.
The Family With A Stroller/Young Children
I am not suited to give parenting advice because I don’t have a kid. But, you can’t be doing it right if you have your infant in the middle of Times Square. You have to be absolutely bonkers doing that. Do you know how many people walking have no care for your delicate child sitting in that stroller? Do you realize that someone in a rush or on their phone can barrel over you and potentially hurt your kid if he’s under the age of like, five?
Either way, you’ve made this list because you are putting your kid in harm’s way and inconveniencing those trying to get around. I am assuming from observation that the number of times a child tries to run away from you is quite frequent, so this only adds to the risk of them getting hurt by a passer by. You can ignore it or take parenting advice from a 24-year-old, your choice. .