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The Undisputed Ranking Of Yuppie Lawn Games

Getting absolutely blasted on gin while running your toes through a perfectly manicured lawn is an American pastime. Once you get a pitcher of hard liquor going and the whole squad is dressed in their summer whites, there’s no telling what can happen. But much like the difference between Beefeater and Hendrick’s, not all lawn games are created equally.

Which is why it’s time to decide which games you need to keep in your guest quarters, and which games you can remove from your life during next year’s spring cleaning.

Horseshoes

Go back to one of your thirteen colonies and start churning butter. You ever had a horseshoe land on your foot? Yeah, me neither, because I’m not a cowboy and I refuse to play horseshoes. I can’t risk having scars or bandages covering my ankles during wedding season when I’m trying to flash the tan I’ve been cultivating on them for the last month and a half.

If you absolutely have to play, make it because you’re sober, bored, and you have zero access to anything else on this list.

I suggest: St. Pierre American Professional Set

Cornhole

Or bags. Whatever you want to call it. I don’t care. The fact that this game is most popular in Ohio tells you all you need to know about how fun this game actually is. Once you’ve lugged the giant, heavy boards out to the middle of the lawn or driveway, you’re then blessed with the fun act of throwing saggy bean bags at them. If you’re lucky, your board is weathered enough to where the bags won’t just slide off once they land, or completely fly off the back as if you lubed it up with that aforementioned horseshoe butter.

I suggest, if you absolutely have to play: GoSports Regulation Size Cornhole Set

Ladders

Alright. Now we talkin’ lawn games. Remember back in the mid-90s when you spent most of your time trying to figure out how to be on the Ninja Turtles, 3 Ninjas, or Surf Ninjas? Yeah, me too. And it was all because I wanted to throw nunchucks at people. The closest I’ve gotten to this feeling is playing ladders, that game that made out of PVC pipe, two balls, and string. But, it only requires one hand which is all that matters.

I suggest: GoSports Ladder Toss

Kan Jam

Kan Jam is the hottest game on the market. It’s not only a lawn game, but debatably better as a beach game. Layin’ out. Sweatin’. Gettin’ that tan goin’. Flexin’. Getting to hit shit out of mid-air is a time-honored American tradition, which means this game obviously rates a 7.6/10 on the awesome scale.

Oh, and it’s one of the two times in your life you’re allowed to play with a frisbee. And no, that other time is not while playing disc golf.

I suggest: Kan Jam Ultimate Disc Game

Beer Frisbee

Beer Frisbee, or ‘Beersbe,’ has a similar vibe to it as Kan Jam, but a few much, much better attributes.

– It’s a beer-in-hand game.
– You get to use ski poles, which shows everyone you’re with that 1. you arc fatties in the ‘roy and 2. you hate urchins.
– It’s a beer-in-hand game.

I suggest: Swix TechLite Ski Poles, Poler Men’s Enlightenment Frisbee

Bocce Ball

How many games do you get to play that allow you to channel the greatest first-third-of-a-movie ever, The Talented Mr. Ripley? Exactly, one. Having a great Bocce stroke pretty much tells everyone, “Yeah, I summer in Naples. No, no, the Italian one, not in Florida.” After rolling up your white jeans and taking a few sips of San Pelly, it’s time to roll. Literally.

I suggest: Trademark Bocce Ball Set

Croquet

The lawn game of all lawn games – croquet. I mean, the different variations you can play of croquet are called Association, Golf, Garden, Ricochet, and Poison. And when you drop a, “Fancy a game of garden?” while looking at your recently mowed lawn from the porch while sipping an Arnie Palmie, you’ve pretty much reached heaven.

The more, the merrier. You can get six people in on a single game and all of the sudden you’re risking getting stains on your linen pants because you’re hitting from the ivy that lines your terrace. And boy, it’s worth it.

I suggest: Baden Deluxe Series

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at will@grandex.co.

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