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Getting absolutely blasted on gin while running your toes through a perfectly manicured lawn is an American pastime. Once you get a pitcher of hard liquor going and the whole squad is dressed in their summer whites, there’s no telling what can happen. But much like the difference between Beefeater and Hendrick’s, not all lawn games are created equally.
Which is why it’s time to decide which games you need to keep in your guest quarters, and which games you can remove from your life during next year’s spring cleaning.
Horseshoes
Go back to one of your thirteen colonies and start churning butter. You ever had a horseshoe land on your foot? Yeah, me neither, because I’m not a cowboy and I refuse to play horseshoes. I can’t risk having scars or bandages covering my ankles during wedding season when I’m trying to flash the tan I’ve been cultivating on them for the last month and a half.
If you absolutely have to play, make it because you’re sober, bored, and you have zero access to anything else on this list.
I suggest: St. Pierre American Professional Set
Cornhole
Or bags. Whatever you want to call it. I don’t care. The fact that this game is most popular in Ohio tells you all you need to know about how fun this game actually is. Once you’ve lugged the giant, heavy boards out to the middle of the lawn or driveway, you’re then blessed with the fun act of throwing saggy bean bags at them. If you’re lucky, your board is weathered enough to where the bags won’t just slide off once they land, or completely fly off the back as if you lubed it up with that aforementioned horseshoe butter.
I suggest, if you absolutely have to play: GoSports Regulation Size Cornhole Set
Ladders
Alright. Now we talkin’ lawn games. Remember back in the mid-90s when you spent most of your time trying to figure out how to be on the Ninja Turtles, 3 Ninjas, or Surf Ninjas? Yeah, me too. And it was all because I wanted to throw nunchucks at people. The closest I’ve gotten to this feeling is playing ladders, that game that made out of PVC pipe, two balls, and string. But, it only requires one hand which is all that matters.
I suggest: GoSports Ladder Toss
Kan Jam
Kan Jam is the hottest game on the market. It’s not only a lawn game, but debatably better as a beach game. Layin’ out. Sweatin’. Gettin’ that tan goin’. Flexin’. Getting to hit shit out of mid-air is a time-honored American tradition, which means this game obviously rates a 7.6/10 on the awesome scale.
Oh, and it’s one of the two times in your life you’re allowed to play with a frisbee. And no, that other time is not while playing disc golf.
I suggest: Kan Jam Ultimate Disc Game
Beer Frisbee
Beer Frisbee, or ‘Beersbe,’ has a similar vibe to it as Kan Jam, but a few much, much better attributes.
– It’s a beer-in-hand game.
– You get to use ski poles, which shows everyone you’re with that 1. you arc fatties in the ‘roy and 2. you hate urchins.
– It’s a beer-in-hand game.
I suggest: Swix TechLite Ski Poles, Poler Men’s Enlightenment Frisbee
Bocce Ball
How many games do you get to play that allow you to channel the greatest first-third-of-a-movie ever, The Talented Mr. Ripley? Exactly, one. Having a great Bocce stroke pretty much tells everyone, “Yeah, I summer in Naples. No, no, the Italian one, not in Florida.” After rolling up your white jeans and taking a few sips of San Pelly, it’s time to roll. Literally.
I suggest: Trademark Bocce Ball Set
Croquet
The lawn game of all lawn games – croquet. I mean, the different variations you can play of croquet are called Association, Golf, Garden, Ricochet, and Poison. And when you drop a, “Fancy a game of garden?” while looking at your recently mowed lawn from the porch while sipping an Arnie Palmie, you’ve pretty much reached heaven.
The more, the merrier. You can get six people in on a single game and all of the sudden you’re risking getting stains on your linen pants because you’re hitting from the ivy that lines your terrace. And boy, it’s worth it.
I suggest: Baden Deluxe Series .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Cornhole is a goddamn treasure
Agreed. There’s a good beer garden in DC that has cornhole boards set up. Great icebreaker since you and your teammate are on opposite ends, forcing you to strike up a conversation with the opponent who may be a total stranger. Probably not bougie enough for Will and his white pants, but there are deals to be closed everywhere; why not over a game of cornhole?
I mean, you are the FunAndGamesOfficer so I’ll take your opinion to heart.
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The wundergarten! Fun place.
Since when are white pants bougie? I usually associate white pants with people who think they are fancy, not the middle class.
I associate white pants with Latin pop stars standing in very unsafe locations on moving boats.
Honestly one of the worst takes ever. Also, I would say spike ball is the hottest game on the market.
Agree but Spike Ball is truly a beach game at heart.
You didn’t like the last two thirds of Talented Mr. Ripley?
Beer frisbee? That’s called Polish Horseshoes
It’s on wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polish_horseshoes
Huh. I’ve always known ladders to be called Polish Horseshoes. #midwesternproblems
I always knew ladders to be called hillbilly golf. Also midwest.
Neighborhood likes to call it testicle toss. We’re mature.
I’ve always thought washers was polish horseshoes wtf
No washers what the hell?
I have no idea what you people are talking about, but I’m from Kansas and it our number one tailgating game.
It’s definitely a Midwest thing. Played it last weekend in Michigan, and we would toss back in college too.
We play in Ohio as well. Always called it “ringers” though.
If you’re not on it yet, hop on the Columbus PGP Reddit, we’ve got a groupme
“Hillbilly Horseshoes”
Obscure Indiana cornfield game, I like playing but no one else knows about it.
Yeah Indiana!
We play in California all the time.
Saying “San Pelly” basically confirms that DeFries is Girl.
What the fuck does it mean to “arc fatties in the ‘Roy?”
You gaper
lmbo
Someone tell me plz
Slug: get blackout drunk, cover your body in Vaseline, then pass out in the yard. Resembles a slug.
Badminton should also be up there. You can drink with one hand and play with the other
Badminton should definitely be up there. It brings families together while simultaneously tearing them apart.
My family has a spring croquette tournament every year….I can’t ever remember the tournament simply ending with a winner. It’s usually broken equipment, broken relationships, and sometimes a good old fashioned fight that ends the tournament.
I want Nived’s take on how lawn darts was originally created for and marketed towards the children of those who claimed to be Mayfair stock when in fact their ancestors only immigrated to the US pre-1900 in an effort to remove said families from this country’s bloodline to more effectively create a true master class and the rest of us who came later or something.
I also would love his take on some lawn darts.
I don’t need the anger that guy provides for me today
Lawn darts or the original Jarts? Yuuge difference.
wait, what about DIZZYBAT?
You drink, you spin around, you lay on grass. Fun for everyone playing and watching.
Not yuppie enough.
Too easy to stain your white pants