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I’m currently in the first trimester of a 3-hour layover. I don’t mind, though, I was really hoping I could torpedo my mood by sitting stationary while a bunch of kids cry to their parents about when we’ll finally board.
You see, airports are the perfect opportunity to do things you’d never do outside of the confines of these walls. You can throw the rules out the window once you’re done getting fellated by a TSA agent. It’s go-time now, baby. There’s so much to do here that I don’t even mind the constant change of temperature between the plane, the tunnel, and the gate. I’m just here for the amenities and nothing else matters.
Which is why I’ve put together an internet-y list of things I just love doing to pass the time while I wait for my inevitably delayed plane to arrive.
Hit up Hudson News for a $7.99 magazine.
I don’t need a Golf Digest or Time, but it’s not like I was going to do anything with that 8 bucks anyway. Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’ll try to put out a classy vibe by snagging a New Yorker, Atlantic, Harvard Business Review, or Economist. Of course, they’ll all just end up getting left for the maid to clean up at my hotel in my final destination, but at least I put out the vibe at my gate that I’m an intellectual.
People watch.
There’s truly no better people watching than sitting at Gate B6 in an airport. You’ll see someone in pajama pants and a memory foam pillow wrapped around their head just before looking over and seeing an entire boys middle school basketball team en route to Disney World [insert Dorn joke here]. Just toss on some Bose noise-canceling headphones for a soundtrack and all of the sudden the terminal is their runway.
Luckily for me, I’m in boarding group 37 so I’ve got plenty of time to kick back and watch a whole bunch of beaten-down people drag feet through this place.
Play with all the cute dogs running around.
Anyone notice the sudden uptick of dogs in airports? Man, I’m not sure where these things are coming from but it’s really breathing some life into the situation. What once used to be an airport filled with dull humans is now a dog park. Right next to me is a Labradoodle with a vest that says something on it. I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t read what it says, but I’m pretty sure this dog is chill as hell based on the fact that it just pissed on the gate agent.
Oh, there’s a Yorkie with a vest on too. This is awesome.
Drink straight vodka.
The beauty of airports is that time simply doesn’t exist here outside of a shell of a schedule that the planes follow. You step foot in an Airport Chili’s Too or Outback Steakhouse? Boom, you can order a double-vodka-rocks at 8 a.m. and no one’s going to bat an eye. Feeling lonely? Look to your left and there will be a guy dressed in an ill-fitting suit doing the same thing. SportsCenter is on so you can probably talk about that. He hates his life.
Bring yourself to the brink of death by eating a McDonald’s Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle.
Nothing screams “I hate my life more than this layover” like indulging in a 500-calorie McGriddle from an airport McDonald’s. Tired of those, though? You can always hit up Auntie Ann’s for a soft pretzel and some shitty cheese that comes out of a squeeze tube or even head over to Cinnabon and eat a lifetime supply of sugar all in one sitting.
If you’re lucky, you’ll get to sit next to someone on the next flight who grabbed some Taco Bell to-go and decides to eat it on their folding tray table. Sure, they could’ve gotten a non-smell-like-shit salad from a Wolfgang Puck to-go stand, but that wouldn’t be any fun.
Wait in line at Starbucks for 45 minutes.
Sometimes you just need to get a coffee to pass the time. I’m in the camp of people who enjoy the process of getting coffee more than actually drinking the coffee itself, which is why this is the perfect way to kill some precious minutes before I board my flight.
Of course, my carry-on bag’s strap is chaffing my shoulder and there’s some dude yelling at a barista because he wanted a half-caff instead of a full, but that just comes with the territory.
Buy an iPad out of a vending machine.
Impulse Buy City, population: me. I didn’t really want an iPad, but once I walked by a vending machine that spilled over with iPads, headphones, and portable DVD players, I soon realized that I needed an iPad. I’d buy a Nature Valley Bar out of it, but food vending machines simply don’t exist in these places anymore which is super convenient considering bottled waters are only $5.95.
Oh, wait, nice – my flight just got delayed. More time to play with that Golden Retriever that just sat down next to me. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Your spending habits confuse and concern me.
OMG thank you! I wanna know how much Will makes a year because he seems to spend money like it’s going out of style.
you guys know i didn’t actually buy an ipad from a vending machine right
Tbh, the iPad didn’t concern me as much as buying an eight dollar magazine.
Laguardia after Thanksgiving I was downing those Bells 2 heart you recommended. With what drinks cost at an airport, I think it best to black out before you see the tab.
I always found it absurd that drinks on a plane were so much cheaper than in the terminal.
i also ate tuna sandwiches on english muffins for lunch all week, this life isn’t as luxurious as it seems
Look at Mr. Big Shot over here, too good for white bread.
I know, but this is still like your six vacation in the last year. Don’t act like you don’t have reckless spending habits.
Chase. Sapphire. Reserve.
I’m going to a wedding, man. My hands are tied.
Were the other trips also weddings? If so you need less fancy friends.
No one has forgotten about that time you spent $30 on a stick of deodorant either
Couldn’t you just tell the couple that you can’t afford it?
Why would I do that when I want to go?
Will your allowed to go. But the rest of us, who clearly live in a different class then you, are also allowed to have second hand anxiety on your spending habits.
I can’t keep track of who hates and likes wedding season here. Hopefully this weekend gives you some good ideas for TGDAG.
Live fast die young
Six isn’t that many tbh.
Missjackson, I can’t tell if you’re serious or not? If you’re serious, whole shit that is scary. Maybe I’m just way to cheap but the thought of spending that much money freaks the hell out of me.
Holy*, I’m so freaked out I can’t even write correctly.
Six in one season or six in a few?
I always fly Southwest so I like to rush up to the line at the gate way before it’s time just to see how many people will join me before I sit back down.
This is psycho stuff, but dammit I respect it.
While it’s a pain in the ass sometimes to fly with a kid, it’s nice to have family boarding to fall back on so you don’t have to worry about getting to the line.
I usually just strike up a conversation with a single mom (or dad, it’s 2018 y’all) and sneak myself in with them during family boarding. It’s great.
1. Drink
End of list
I usually guzzle down a bunch of edibles in the security line then crush a pizza, patron shot and a Pacifico at the CPK bar and ride the wave all the way to my final destination. It’s the only way to fly
My man. That’s called living
My general rule is if I can feel my legs on the plane, I’m too sober
May or may not have eaten a fire crackers before a flight with some friends, hit a massive delay, and an hour later we all looked up and almost forgot why were at the airport.
Damn
Now that’s how to fly
Yup, I’ll usually have a chocolate on the light rail to the airport, then another when I’m standing in security, at which point, I start to get really paranoid that TSA will find the remaining edibles and vape pen in my bag, but once I get through that, it’s smooth sailing.
Really sounds like a bad idea bringing vape pens and edibles through TSA on the reg. Sure you have like a 1% chance of being caught because the TSA sucks at their
Jobs but still the punishment I Imagine must not be fun.
They’ve got bigger fish to fry. I once forgot to declare a handgun in my checked bag and they didn’t notice anything
Thats rowdy
In Seattle, all they can do is make you throw it out, and I usually bring a cartridge that is just about cashed, so I can throw it out before I fly back (also, it’s like $30 for a cartridge that lasts several weeks, so even if it wasn’t the dregs of the cartridge, I’d probably throw it out to avoid any issues at the return airport) and I either eat the edibles or give them to friends before I head home (of course, saving one or two of those edibles to eat before TSA for the flight home).
I love the fact that time doesn’t matter in airports and any hour is happy hour. Last year I had been up for 2 days and was embarking from Amsterdam on the last leg of a 24 hour travel gauntlet, when I ordered a gin & tonic. Turns out it was 8:30 am. The waitress gave me an odd look and said, “sir, may I remind you it’s breakfast?” Luckily, the kind Dutch fella next to me piped up saying, “you don’t know where he’s been, I’ll take one of those as well.” We’re still friends on Facebook.
Not to spark a tipping debate, but if a waiter was sassy and judging me for ordering a drink at a questionable time of day the tip may not be very high.
If the establishment serves liquor at that hour and the waitress gave me that line (and wasn’t joking around) I’d tell her to fuck right off.
Agreed, but this was in the Netherlands where tipping isn’t expected anyways. Wait staff sure can get lippy when you’re no longer in control of their livelihood.
Yeah they gave me the side eye when I took one too many napkins when I was in Amsterdam. They treat those and ketchup like gold.
8. Buy a ring at the jewelry store.
Because nothing says “I love you” like a ring covered in McGriddle grease that you picked up at a Zales at the Delta terminal in Phoenix
We need another live blog from Hooters or an airport, Will.
Masters live blog please
I had forgotten about all the Dorn/kids jokes. Good times. Thanks for that.
Hating on McGriddles/McDonalds Bfast is ttrrraaaaaaaaaasssshhh.
Airport lounges are where it’s at. A few years back, I took a trip to Ecuador and had a 5 hour layover in Houston after taking a 6 AM flight out of SFO. Went to the Amex lounge there and they specifically have an area with beds so that you can nap. Took a glorious 2 hour nap there. After that, I’ll only do layovers if the airport has an Amex or Priority Pass lounge.
As a fellow Amex holder (Delta Gold Card), am I eligible for the lounge? I’ve had the card for nearly 6 years now, but I’ve never been able to get a straight answer from Amex or the airports…
No, I believe what he is referring to is Amex’s Centurion Lounge, which requires a Platinum or Black card. You do have the option to pay to get into a Delta lounge though
Figured as much.
Yeah, you need either Platinum (easy to get) or Centurion card (can only get if you spend $200,000+/year). I’ve posted this here before, but I’ll mention it again: the Platinum is an incredible card if you fly even twice a year. Between the $200 Uber credit, the Amex lounge access and all other perks, that $550/year fee is def justified.
I used to have a regular Amex Gold so I’m not sure if it’s the same as the Delta Gold, but there was a $100/year credit for flight incidentals that you could use toward any lounge access.
$550/year CC fee is the most outrageous thing I’ve seen this week.
If you fly Southwest, the whole terminal and plane is your lounge. It’s clearly the best option in commercial air travel.
$200/year on Uber and $200/year on flight incidentals (baggage check fees, plane change fees, any food or drink ordered on board, etc.). So assuming you take advantage of that, the fee is now $150/year. If you take two round-trip flights and use lounges, that easily takes care of the remainder.
This is, of course, not even including the intro offer of up to 60-100K points, which you can transfer to airlines or hotels. Nor does it cover Amex’s own offers.
I’ve been eyeing it for a few months, this might have pushed me over the edge.
Unless you have to go to Europe, or Asia, or Africa…
Lufthansa or death. I’ll fight anyone over this.
I used to work for Lufthansa. But I have to respectfully disagree and say British Airways is the way to travel.
They waive the fee for Active duty. It’s sweet.
You get a discounted rate of $30. Still a good deal if your planing on eating and having 2+ drinks at the airport.