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So last Sunday I was watching my morning political programming, and as everyone knows, if it’s Sunday, it has to be Meet The Press. There’s no other option. The theme song, Chuck Todd and his goatee – it’s an electric way to get Sunday morning started.
The hot topic of the morning was the disappearance of and possible killing of a Washington Post columnist in Turkey. I don’t want to get into the political ramifications of all of this, but NBC decided to have the Marco Rubio, the esteemed senator from the great state of Florida on, to comment on the situation.
And while I liked what he had to say, there was a glaring issue with his wardrobe that I couldn’t take my eye off of. He opted for a windsor knot, a knot that many people think they can wear but most cannot. I didn’t think he pulled it off, and there were some people on Twitter telling me to kick rocks, but for the most part I think we came to a consensus that the windsor is an awful, awful look.
It was suggested that I pen a column on tie knots in the workplace, and I thought it was a great idea so here we go. It really comes down to two different knots, but I’ve seen some obscure ones out in the wild before and I’ll touch on those briefly. Can’t wait for some “ OH YEAH? BET YOU CAN’T WEAR A TIE WITH A WOMEN’S BLOUSE ON!” comments from the peanut gallery.
The classic knot and most commonly used amongst us cube jockies. I love this knot. It’s the one your dad shows you how to do a million times your first year in high school. It always takes me a few tries to get just right because you want the end of the tie falling right at your belt buckle. Any longer than that and you wind up looking like President Trump.
Look how long that thing is! I’ve read a lot of conspiracy theories on this, chief among them being that The Donald does this on purpose to get across a point that he doesn’t care about his appearance. I don’t buy that, I think he just likes to wear it long. Any less than falling at your belt buckle and you’ll look like a fucking clown aka this guy –
You just know this idiot thinks he looks fucking great in this picture, too. That’s the worst part about it.
The only time you see dudes wearing their ties too short is when it’s some overly confident jackass at a formal or wedding (more on this later.) They’ve gotten “dressed up” less than five times in their life and they think the tie looks fine. I can’t stand when people tie their ties too short. It’s a huge pet peeve. I like the four-in-hand because the knot isn’t too small and it isn’t too big. It’s just simple and it looks good with any sort of collar. This is the most common knot seen in the office, and frankly if I see anything else while in an office setting I find it off-putting.
I can’t stand looking at Merril Hoge. The guy just pisses me off, and it’s mostly because of his insistence on wearing 3 button suit jackets with outrageously large tie knots. Is this a triple windsor? Quadruple?
Listen, unless you’re The Rock, the windsor knot is not a good look. You have to be a massive human being to pull it off, otherwise you just look like you’re trying to impersonate Al Capone or be the “funny man” at your junior prom who rented the “gangster” tux from Tip Top Tux in the strip mall. I don’t know why, but anyone who wears the windsor knot also exclusively wears three or four button jackets. Newsflash dipshit: this isn’t the ‘05 NBA Draft. You’re dressed like an absolute moron. Here’s Marco Rubio trying to flex on Chuck Todd last Sunday with a windsor knot.
What a buffoon – if you’re wearing the windsor in the office, I have no doubt in my mind that you’re the type to order shots at a company happy hour when it’s completely inappropriate to do so. You also probably keep a tub of whey protein at your desk. This kind of tie is always complimented by the spread collar, which is okay with a four in hand but in my personal opinion is just a touch too modern.
The Prince Albert
This is a euphemism for getting your dick pierced, but it’s also a type of tie knot, and if you’re wearing this I don’t really know what to say to you other than you’re probably just doing way too much. Does it look cool? Yes. Is it way more trouble than it’s worth to tie? Yes.
I’m sure a lot of you are thinking that this looks like a normal four in hand with the dimple and the relatively skinny knot. But there is a tiny piece of fabric poking out of the bottom of the knot there if you look closely, and that’s why it’s called the Prince Albert. I had a roommate in DC one summer who wore his ties like this, and he was always running ten minutes later than I was because of this fucking tie knot. I hate it solely because of him so if you want to blame anyone for my bashing of this knot, blame that kid.
Honorable Mentions That Aren’t Specifically About The Tie Knot But Belong In This Blog Anyways
The skinny tie was very popular in the 50s and 60s. British rock bands brought it across the pond and it’s seen a bit of a resurgence amongst a certain type of guy in the modern age. And you’d think because the skinny tie was so popular back in the day that older, higher up men in the office would like that look but I don’t think that’s the case. The skinny tie doesn’t play with the olds – it just doesn’t feel right and I don’t think your superiors think it’s a good look. I could be wrong but I’ve always felt like the skinny tie was an insubordinate move.
The Bow Tie
Nope. No, no, no, no. There is no place in the office for a bowtie. Acceptable only if you’re in a wedding that is black tie and it better be a real fucking bow tie. None of this pre-tied bullshit with the clasp on the back. You go truly authentic or don’t do it at all. I can’t even imagine the type of prick that would regularly wear a fucking bow tie into the office. You’re either an intern working on Capitol Hill or maybe you work as a writer on Tucker Carlson’s talk show?
In most workplaces you’d get fried so hard for wearing a bow tie that you’d probably consider quitting. It’s the boldest move of all of these. So bold, in fact, that I might even give you props for daring to wear it into an office setting. Like imagine a guy in Omaha, Nebraska or somewhere in the Ohio River Valley wearing a bow tie with his off the rack suit from Jos. A Banks waltzing into his job as a computer software salesman on a Thursday morning. That guy is one hundred percent taking a mirror selfie in the work bathroom at some point and posting it on Snapchat. I’m getting chills just thinking about looking at a picture like that..