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You’ve been in a Panic Room before. You’ve seen my Panic Room before. Hell, you’ve probably sent me a photo of your own Panic Room at this point. This isn’t new. Having a quarter-life crisis every Sunday around 4 p.m. is as much a part of your routine as sending out a “what are we getting into tonight?” text around 2 p.m. on a Friday while you have a fake spreadsheet up on your office desktop.
If you haven’t already invested in your panic room – which is essentially just investing in yourself – it’s time to throw away your high school gym shorts and those ratty t-shirts you’ve pitted out since college. This isn’t something to be taken lightly, so mix these into your rotation. Lord knows you need it after failing to mix in waters all day Saturday.
Patagonia Baggies + Patagonia Capilene Boxers
Where I once stood firmly on a pair of Patagonia Baggies, I’ve not transitioned to going full freedom by adopting the Patagonia Capilene Boxers. Yes, Baggies are perfect for a Whole Foods hot bar run, but the boxers come into play when you’re full and feel like sitting in a cloud of silk. You’re going to want to make sure you have a blanket around, though, because it’s entirely possible your dingy falls out when you’ve reached hangover nirvana. These things happen when you’re just. that. chill.
Oversized T-Shirts
Sundays are for sizing up. Someone once told me, “Will, you call yourself bloated a lot for being a dude.” I’m not going to apologize for that for several reasons: it’s 2017, I’m a co-host of the most transparent podcast in the world, and being bloated isn’t something one should fester within. RVCA’s new garment dyed long sleeve takes care of my insecurities, especially when I’ve set my air conditioning to a cool 68 degrees and there’s a vintage Vornado fan blasting in my face.
Melatonin Gummies
The worst part about Sundays is having to admit that your weekend is actually over. Saying you’re “going to sleep” is one thing, but actually falling asleep is another. Scoop a 90-count of melatonin gummies and drift into some night terrors while you fall asleep with your phone in your hand. That Netflix will turn itself off once it realizes you aren’t actually watching anymore, and you’ll thank yourself when you wake up after a full night’s rest for work the next day.
10-Foot Phone Charger
If you spend too much time on your left shoulder because you’re scrolling Instagram in bed, you’re probably burdened by the stock charger iPhone sends you with your new iPhone. Fixing your shattered screen is a bitch, but upgrading your charger is a must when it comes to rolling over and scrolling from the other side. A 10-foot charger is a minor cost when it comes to your freedom.
Yeti 30-Ounce Rambler
Your hungover drink schedule probably looks as follows:
– 8 a.m. Anything you can find that isn’t a water bottle filled with vodka.
– 11 a.m. Mimosas.
– 3 p.m. Ice water.
– 6 p.m. Sauvignon Blanc on ice to get back to even.
– 8 p.m. Ice water after you realize you can’t be hungover the next day.
Keep it cool all day with a 30-ounce Yeti that will keep your ice frozen even until you wake up at 3 a.m. on Monday morning dreading the office.
Outdoor Voices Joggers and Sunday Shorts
The worst thing to happen to Patagonia was Outdoor Voices coming along and stealing their Panic Room business. From 2014 until 2016, I was dedicated to the Patagonia game. Then I got my first pair of Outdoor Voices joggers and never looked back. Their Runningman Sweats are good for running, but even better for wondering if all your friends hate you after you said something rude when you browned out. Too hot? Transition into their brother shorts, The Sunday Shorts. All of these pair perfectly with the Photofinish Tee, which is a part of Ross Bolen’s trademark “Blogger Scrubs” that he claims “feel like a cloud.” He’s not wrong.
Scented Candles
A good Panic Room is only as good as its scented candle. If you’re going to be the best, you need to buy the best. I know, I know, what I’m about to show you isn’t cheap, but it’s the best money can buy. My time selling luxury goods before transitioning to full-time blogger turned me into a candle snob, which is why the Cire Trudon Ernesto Candle is the only thing I’ll roll with. 80+ hour burn time and a strong enough smell that you don’t even need to light it to fill the room with its manly scent. “Did he just use ‘manly’ and ‘scented’ candle in the same breath?” you ask. Yes, I did. Their website describes it as follows:
In a hotel of Havana, under the fixed sun of the Revolution: the fierce and partisan overtones of leather and tobacco meddle with the paneling’s waxen silence. In the cool dimness, fawn grimaces shimmer along with the smoke of cigars and the barrels of guns.
Viva la Panic Room. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
That candle description had me sold on spending any amount of money to get it… until I saw it cost 90 dollars…
Do those gummies actually work? My uh, friend, is looking for a better strategy than drinking until passing out cold.
Yes sir they do and they work wonders.
Alright I’m pulling the trigger
Yea they help. That or some Zzzquil.
They definitely work to fall asleep initially. For some reason I always wake up at like 3am unable to go back to sleep on nights I take them. Not sure if its the gummies or the crippling anxiety though…
Weird, I actually had a stretch with that problem as well but it has since gone away and they work wonders all night.
Hmm maybe I’ll try to power through it. Lately I’ve switched to smoking a bowl and drinking a couple glasses of cheap red wine. Gets the job done but probably not a great long term solution.
A dog. A dog just makes those Sunday night couch sessions so much better. Yes you might have to toss a toy occasionally but when you have a dog sleeping with his head on your leg, all is well in the world.
Does Amazon sell dogs?
*Does amazon sell dogs, Alexa?*
Man outfitters breeds spaniels I believe
I can’t get over the fact that you used the term “dingy.”
Are we sure will has “dignity”
Please come back to television Mike
Did J. Peterman write that candle description?
Came here to ask the same thing
Already sold out of melatonin. Wil is moving product like Heisenberg.
Please know that while yes, we do get a small kickback from Amazon purchases, I’m not putting anything in here that I haven’t purchased myself or 100% stand behind.
That scented candle description made my slacks feel a little tighter
$100 for joggers? I took the Duda way out and went to target for my $15 pair… haven’t looked back since.
What I’d do to be on the island at the Pink Pony next week..
I’m sure this is in the Grandex style guide but I’ll ask anyway:
Is it “ice water” or “iced water”? “Ice water” sounds like ice that has turned into water, while “iced water” sounds like water that you cool down with ice. Any guidance would be welcome.
Doesn’t matter. Just put it in a yeti and snapchat it.