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So, you got dumped.
Or you dumped someone.
Or the person you weren’t really officially dating just stopped texting you back.
Or you’ve been single for a while now and have reentered one of your pathetic, woe is me slumps.
Whatever your current status (that is, unless you’re “attached”–if that’s the case, exit out of this now, because you don’t deserve my advice) sometimes singletons need a boost of confidence mixed with a kick in the genitalia. Yes, being single–whether it’s new or old–can suck, but it can also be super great. It all depends on how you choose to work it.
Go On Dates
I mean, really. Go. Get excited about them. Plan them out. Give yourself an excuse to try a new restaurant you’ve been dying to try, or a reason to drag someone, anyone, to that cool new movie theater. Not enough singletons make dates enough of a thing. They always degrade it to “hanging out.” Fuck your hangouts and your non-plans. One-up your hangouts with a hard pickup time, a restaurant reservation, and a pre-planned, after-dinner event. That’s right: a three-parter. Girls, if you’re not crazy about the guy, look at it as a fun dinner with someone different at a (hopefully) cool place. Guys, if you’re not crazy about the girl but you have a functioning penis, get some makeout minutes out of it, or maybe even a slight boob graze if you’re lucky (you can always try Mr. Costanza’s Stop Short method here).
Stop Trying So Hard
If the thought of online dating makes you feel queasy and desperate, don’t do it. Simple as that. Whether it’s JDate, OKStupid, Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, that one for farmers, Christian Mingle, Buddhist Tingle, Catholic Pringle–it doesn’t matter. If you were into it and ready for it, you would know. But you’re not, so don’t! Just do you. Do you as hard as you want until you can’t take yourself any longer. If getting dressed to go out on a Friday or Saturday sounds terrible and you’d much rather sit at home by yourself in sweatpants, bemoaning your latest dating failure or trying your damnedest to conjure up the feeling of what it’s like to kiss someone since you literally can’t remember, then by all means, do it. By forcing yourself into situations you hate, nothing good will come of it. You’ll just be angry and annoyed and pouty. In other words, you’ll be a big pussy baby no one wants to be around, who is singlehandedly perpetuating his or her own singleness by trying to date when he or she doesn’t want it.
Try To Look Through An Outsider’s Lens
It’s so easy with dating and relationships to get sucked into the deepest caverns of your own mind. You spend days, weeks, or even months inside a dark, cold, mind-cave, starving for food and contemplating what went wrong and why you must be so terrible to date. However, if you were to find your way out of that cave, step back out into the sunlight, and view the situation through an unbiased lens, you might be able to say, “meh” (mostly because you mean it, halfway because you’ve somehow regressed in speech from staying in the cave and away from society for too long). The truth is, long-term relationships in the real world are few and far between. You’re more likely to kinda sorta date someone for a few months than kinda sorta date someone for two years. In adult world, six months of dating is like WHOA, shit! Don’t speculate every date as the be-all, end-all. Don’t assume since it went super well that you’re definitely going to keep seeing each other. People are weird and have a million issues. That’s why it’s a miracle when two of them feel the exact same way about each other at the exact same time in the exact same city on the exact same day (AKA a rom com). My point is, instead of beating yourself up when something doesn’t pan out, strengthen your ability to laugh it off and view it as another story to tell.
Own It
Like I said, you’re allowed to pander in those “the world is against my happiness” moments, but not for long. If you just got broken up with or you did the breaking up or you’ve been single for so long, you aren’t even sure if you’ve ever had sex, and maybe the times you did, it was all a dream, make it your will to own that shit. Yeah, you’re single. So? You do what you want and it’s awesome. You go on dates, too. And you flirt. And you put up selfies in which you know you look prime, and guess what? You get a few “likes” from boys–maybe even a few boys you’ve made out with once or twice. This might give you that special, “Yeah, see what you passed up?” tingle in your nether regions. I believe every single person has, at some point, wondered what the outsiders think of him or her. That you’re sad? Pathetic? Must be single for a reason? The truth is, we’re all too caught up in our own lives to care about yours. And, also, a lot of couples are secretly just as miserable as you are on your most single, sweatpants-wearing, carb-loading, binge Netflix-watching day.
If You’re That Upset About Being Single, Do Something About It
Did you know your friends and family are so tired of hearing you gripe? If all you do is sit around yapping about how alone you are and that you’ll never find someone, put yourself out there. DO sign up for dating sites. DO try too hard by forcing yourself to go out every weekend night there is. Come on to a guy. Boldly go where few women have gone before and ask out a cute boy. If you really can’t wait for the right situation to fall into your lap and you must, must, MUST have a man around at all times, then by all means, get back with a terrible ex, accept a date with someone you wouldn’t normally touch with a 10-foot pole, or embarrassingly throw yourself at men of all shapes and sizes. Whatever it is you gotta do…
Just DO YOU.
Respond
Emma G
Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com
@emmasthing
@emmasthing
I could shorten this whole article easily: Go out with your friends, get bombed, bring someone home above a 5, and profit. Repeat for the next 5-10 years.
I hope a lot of guys don’t catch on to the “want to grab drinks?” question so then I’ll continue to look like a fucking stallion to urban 7s
Agreed. Everyone shut the fuck up about getting drinks, you’re giving away too many secrets.
Advice for my fellow brothers in arms, first date – Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to a nice restaurant and movies on the first date. Take her out to get drinks or coffee instead. Trust me, you can live with max $30 spent by having a bad date but the sting of close to $80-100 and getting nothing out of it hurts!
Plan for all night but execute in stages. Drinks->Dinner->Sports Game, all spontaneous like. She doesn’t have to know you have season tickets at will call and were going to ditch her after drinks to go with your bro if she sucked at life.
Option 1: “Hey, so my friend can’t use some awesome tickets for tonight, want to go? There’s a really good spot for dinner downtown too.”
Option 2: “Hey, so my friend just surprised me with tickets for tonight before he heads out of town, I’m going to run in an hour or so.”
You can’t lose with this approach.
I’d like to hear more about Catholic Pringle and Buddhist Tingle.
Or girls can just bake some surefire cunnilingus brownies and start handing them out AMIRITE
I’d like to court you Emma. Check yes or no.
The trying too hard thing applies to me.
I bought a leather jacket before my last first date.